Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,
Arrmaitee
arrmaitee

Chapter 2



The Very Slashy Draco Malfoy



My Very Secret LiveJournal

by

Draco Malfoy

1991-92



POST 1: Father wouldn’t let me wear leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Professor Snape.
Wore leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Dumbledore.
Got new leather wardrobe and matching racing broom.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Uncle Voldie.
Got the charge card.
Cherry update: still intact.

Current Mood: Manipulative

Comment: Cherry update?
- Crabbe

Comment: Uh, I think he means that a well oiled phallus hasn’t penetrated
the terminal orifice of his alimentary canal.
- Goyle

Comment: Huh?
- Crabbe

Comment: I mean… that he hasn’t lost his virginity.
- Goyle

Comment: Huh?
- Crabbe

Comment: Remember when I made you scream real loud?
- Goyle


------------------

POST 2: Met scrawny poof in Madam Malkin’s Robes for all Occasions.
THOSE EYES!
Scrawny poof finds me strangely attractive.
I am extremely attractive!
I wonder if he likes to be tied up?
Note to self – must bind scrawny poof with kinky leather goodies.

Current Mood: Experimental

Comment: Umm, that’s actually a belt…
Not a “kinky leather goody.”
You’re supposed to… umm… wear it.
- Madam Malkin

Comment: What’s a kinky leather goody?
- Crabbe

Comment: Uh, remember when Filch made you scream real loud?
- Goyle


------------------

POST 3: Met scrawny poof on the Hogwarts Express.
Merlin’s beard, it’s Harry Potter!
THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
MY ONE TRUE WHIPPING BOY!
I must offer him my monogrammed leather paddle!
WHAT? He rejected MY paddle?!
He accused ME of being "the wrong sort"!
HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!

Current Mood: Heated

Comment: STOP! STOP! Stop this at once! Put that paddle down!
I… I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT! OWWW!
- Hermione


------------------

POST 4: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Insulted Weasley.
Sorted into Slytherin.
Insulted Weasley again.
Got hit on by the Bloody Baron.
Insulted Weas…
Did I just get hit on by a dirty ghost?

Current Mood: Appalled

Comment: I was hoping to help you with your cherry update.
And I’m not dirty… I’m bloody.
There’s a difference!
- Bloody Baron
[miffed]

Comment: Can a House Ghost really pop a bloke’s cherry?
- Pansy
[shrieking with laughter]

Comment: Why d’you think I’m called the Bloody Baron?
- Bloody Baron


------------------

POST 5: First potions class.
Snape insulted “our new celebrity.”
Love Snape.
Snape offered me extra credit potions assignment.
Really love Snape.
Must meet Snape in dungeon at midnight
to test drive new extra credit potion.
Since when is Vaseline a potion?

Current Mood: Surprised

Comment: Vaseline is a potion because it makes the perfect magical base
for an internal exfoliating treatment. It prevents burning and
chafing and pays extra special attention to the rough spots.
- Professor Snape

Comment: And trust me, your assignment will be rough.
- Fred

Comment: And if you develop spots, go see Poppy.
- George


------------------

POST 6: Met Snape in dungeon for extra credit potions assignment.
Wore leather chastity belt, just in case.
Snape seemed rather annoyed at my leather undergarments.
Didn’t get extra credit.
Hate Snape.

Current Mood: Livid

Comment: Malfoy, if you’re too virginal to use the “extra credit” potion,
can I borrow it? I ran out of my personal stash.
- Fred

Comment: You dirty whore, you’re cheating on me!
You’ve been here less than a week!
- George

Comment: I am not! I use it for my daily… uh… massage.
And Goyle has strong hands.
- Fred

Comment: I’m sure he does, you unfaithful bastard!
And to think I felt guilty about making Crabbe scream real loud!
- George

Comment: You fucked Crabbe?! You prolific slut!
You’re not getting any tonight!
- Fred


Reply: I really need to disable public comments on my LiveJournal.
- Draco

------------------

POST 7: First flying lesson.
Ridiculed Longbottom.
Stole his Remembrall.
Potter threatened to assault me if I didn’t “give it up.”
I didn’t know he was that kinky.
I should ask him out on a date.
Cherry update: will “give it up”

Current Mood: Hopeful

Comment:: Oh no, no, no…
I already pledged your virginity to Uncle Voldie as an initiation gift.
Think of yourself as a virgin sacrifice.
The Dark Lord loves ravaging fresh meat.
Why d'you think I got my Dark Mark?
- Lucius


Reply: [gulp]
- Draco

------------------

POST 8: Challenged Potter to a Wizard’s Duel.
This was really a pretense for our first date.
Needed to trick filthy Mudblood into thinking it wasn’t a date.
Filthy Mudblood figured out secret plan.
Filthy Mudblood cursed me with body-bind jinx because I ATTEMPTED.
Hate filthy Mudblood.

Current Mood: Will someone say Finite Incantatum? Please!

Comment: But you stood me up! You blokes are all the same…
- Harry


Reply: What’re you talking about? I’m tied to my fucking bed!
- Draco

Comments: None…

Reply: POTTER? GODDAMMIT! SOMEONE UNTIE ME!
I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THE FILTHY MUDBLOOD WAS SO KINKY!
- Draco

------------------

POST 9: Quidditch match: Gryffindor vs. Slytherin
Potter hasn’t spoken to me since I “stood him up.”
Potter caught the snitch.
He swallowed it.
He swallows?!!!

Current Mood: Surprised

Comment: Oh, he definitely swallows…
- Percy


Reply: Now I’m really going to kill that filthy Mudblood!
- Draco

------------------

POST 10: Went home for Christmas.
Potter still hasn’t spoken to me.
Damn, he holds grudges…
Father was acting kinda funny all break.
Fortunately I can outrun him.
Cherry update: still intact [Thank God!]

Current Mood: Relieved

Comment: Just wait until your initiation.
- Uncle Voldie

Comment: What’s initiation?
- Crabbe

Comment: Remember when your dad made you scream real loud?
- Goyle


------------------

POST 11: Got Potter in trouble for harboring stupid dragon.
Had to spend detention with him in Forbidden Forest.
Hate Forbidden Forest.
Potter finally spoke to me.
Love Forbidden Forest.
Finally, we had our first date.

Current Mood: Enamored

Comment: You call that a date? You deserted me… again!
Why does everyone always have to abandon me?
- Harry


Reply: But… we ran into Uncle Voldie!
I had to protect my… assets!
- Draco

Comment: Uncle Voldie?
- Harry


------------------

POST 12: Whoo hoo! I made it through the year and I’m still a virgin.
[inspects] Yep, cherry’s still intact.
Nobody will pop the precious.
It’s mine, Mine, MINE!

Author’s Note: [Suddenly, Harry finds the Sorcerer’s Stone and all of the
underage students at Hogwarts immediately become sixteen-years-old.]


POST 12 [cont.]: Holy fuck, how did I suddenly become sixteen?
Shit, I can’t still be a virgin!
[inspects again] Goddammit!
My father lost his virginity at fourteen!
People will start talking!
Are they already talking?
MERLIN’S BEARD!
SOMEBODY FUCK ME! PLEASE!!!

Current Mood: Desperate

Comments: None

Reply: ANYBODY! I’M OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

Comments: None

Reply: Potter?

Comments: None

Reply: Weasley?

Comments: None

Reply: Crabbe? Goyle?

Comments: None

Reply: Professor Snape?

Comments: None

Reply: Bloody Baron?

Comments: None

Reply: Uncle Voldie?

Comments: None

Reply: Dad?

------------------

Looking for more? Here is an additional posting from The Very Secret LiveJournals!

Blaise Zabini

POST: Am I a boy? Am I a girl?
Am I a boy? Am I a girl?
Christ, I don’t know whether I’m supposed to
get a French Manicure or a French Tickler!

Current Mood: Perplexed

Comment: Hey, I have no fucking clue what I am either.
D’you wanna… go out on Friday night?
- Moon


Reply: You mean… [sniffle] you’d go out with… me?
[tearful sob] I’VE FELT SO EMPTY!
[gasp] NOW I HAVE MEANING IN MY LIFE!
[deep breath] TAKE MEEEEEEEE!
- Blaise

Comment: On second thought, I might have other plans…
- Moon


Reply: NNNNNNNOOOOWWWWW!
- Blaise

Comment: Umm, I’m calling security…
- Moon


------------------

Author note: For those who were wondering, Moon is a genderless character who was briefly mentioned during the Sorting Ceremony in Chapter 7 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer’s Stone.

Please review!
Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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