Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,
Arrmaitee
arrmaitee

NEW FIC!

Who’s Your Daddies?

by

Arrmaitee and Daylyn



AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This AU, MPREG, RPS, Crossover Parody was written in response to a LiveJournal post I made where I noted that American Idol finalist Anthony Fedorov looked like Harry/Draco's long lost MPREG lovechild. After receiving numerous requests to "write the fic," Daylyn and I finally broke down and agreed to do it. But hey, if we’re going to write the four worst genres in the fandom, why not do it all at once?

DISCLAIMERS:

This parody is RATED PG-13 and includes Harry Potter SLASH!

This parody is not authorized by and is in no way affiliated with American Idol, Fox Television, www.idolonfox.com, Simon Cowell, or Anthony Fedorov.

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.


-----------

PROLOGUE:

Harry Potter was born in Godric's Hollow in 1980. In 1981, he shocked the Wizarding World by being the first toddler to defeat the Most Powerful Evil Wizard Ever™. Harry was then taken to Surrey to live with his Aunt and Uncle.

In 1985, Harry received a surprise invitation to attend Draco Malfoy's fifth birthday party at Malfoy Manor. Albus brought Harry to Hogwarts so that he could prepare for the event. Harry wanted to give his new friend Draco a special gift, so he swiped one of Albus' purple, shiny, tasty, male fertility potions, took a swig, and gave the rest to Draco. Draco had always wanted a magical potion of his own – especially a purple, shiny, tasty one. So obviously he drank it. Draco immediately became pregnant with Harry's child.

Lucius swore that he would murder Harry for knocking up his young son, so Albus sent Harry back to live with his Aunt and Uncle, where they locked him in a cupboard under the stairs to ensure that he didn't give their son, Dudley, any purple, shiny, tasty potions. Albus altered Harry's memory so that Harry would never recall what had transpired.

Meanwhile, Draco gave birth to Anthony Malfoy-Potter. Draco wanted to keep the child, but after Lucius discovered that the mutt had a scar, needed glasses, and didn't have the family's signature silver eyes, he demanded that the baby be exterminated. Narcissa intervened, altering Draco's memory so that he would forget about his baby. She then took Harry and Draco's son to the Ukraine to be adopted by the Fedorovs, a muggle family who vowed never to tell Anthony the haunting truth – that he is a wizard with two gay, five-year-old dads.

But some secrets cannot remain buried forever.

-----------

February 2005:

Professor Harry Potter surveyed the room as the third year hyperactive Gryffindors tried to settle down for his after lunch Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

“Good afternoon, class,” Harry stated.

The obligatory “Good afternoon, Professor Potter,” came back to him as always, followed by “Can we see your scar, Professor? PLEASE?”

“No,” Harry replied automatically.

Harry was twenty-five years old now, and he reflected, momentarily, on how the hell he had ended up teaching at Hogwarts. Sure, he defeated Voldemort, saved the Wizarding World, and had somehow also managed to train as a world-class Seeker. But his brilliant Quidditch career had been cut short by a national scandal involving leather, twins and Floo powder, and Albus was the only one who would hire him.

Harry cleared his mind. “Today we’re going to learn a newly developed spell – a memory charm reversing spell. Everyone please take out your wands.”

A sea of untrained Gryffindors clumsily pulled out their wands and pointed them at him. Harry stifled his sudden wave of panic.

“You all know how memory charms can be used to alter someone’s memory,” he began his lecture.

“Professor Potter,” one blonde boy piped up. “Is it true that you used a memory charm on Madam Rosmerta when she caught you dressed in a corset in the Shrieking Shack with Floo Powder and twins and…”

“Bradley,” Harry replied, annoyed. “That is not an appropriate topic for this class.”

“But Professor, The Daily Prophet said that the twins were MALE.”

There was a collective gasp among the students.

"Five points from Gryffindor." Harry glared pointedly. “As I was saying, today we will learn a new spell...”

“But professor, aren’t new spells dangerous for us to learn?” asked this year’s recipient of the Hermione Granger Insufferable Know-It-All Award. “I mean, there could be irreparable, unknown side effects, and we don’t know…”

“This spell is perfectly safe and fully tested,” Harry interrupted her, fake smile plastered on his face. “In fact, you can even try it out on me.” Harry realized the absurdity of that statement as soon as he had finished saying it.

“Really?” she asked with unfeigned enthusiasm.

‘No,’ he wanted to scream. ‘Are you out of your fucking mind?’ Instead, he said, “Of course. The spell is Finite Obliviata. Remember to use correct wand posture and…”

“Oh, I will…” Miss Insufferable Know-It-All said, approaching him, wand at the ready.

“Finite Obliviata,” she cried.

“Bugger,” Harry muttered as a dark mist descended upon him. Of course the little bitch got it right the first time.

-----------

Harry looked around the room. He saw a young, scrawny, five-year-old boy in Albus Dumbledore’s office, reaching up to get a purple, shiny, tasty male fertility potion. The boy grabbed the potion, took a swig and glanced over at Harry before exiting the room. Harry gasped. It was him! But how was that possible? He had no contact with the Wizarding World when he was a child. Right?

Harry was suddenly transported to another memory. He was in Draco Malfoy’s bedroom, and five-year-old Draco was lying on the bed, eating a pickle and chocolate ice cream.

“Harry," the blonde boy whispered to the young brunette beside him. “I’m pregnant.”

-----------

“Professor, are you all right?” Miss Insufferable Know-It-All asked.

Harry blinked and saw the entire class staring at him curiously.

“What did you see?” the girl continued. “Madam Rosmerta?”

“Class dismissed,” Harry rasped out.

-----------

Draco was lounging on his sofa in Malfoy Manor, counting his money, when he heard a knock at the door.

“I’m coming,” the devastatingly sexy Malfoy heir called out, slightly annoyed. Draco stood, walked to the door, and opened it. Harry Potter was standing in the doorway with a wand pointing right at him.

“Finite Obliviata,” Harry cried.

Draco tried to reach for his wand, but a dark mist quickly enveloped him.

-----------

Draco saw a very pregnant, five-year-old version of himself, lying on a floating stretcher, ready to give birth. "But Mommy," Draco said, pulling on his mother's robes and crying. “How am I gonna give birth to Harry's baby?”

“Squat, dear,” his mother said in a comforting voice. “There's only one way that baby's coming out.”

-----------

“Well, did you see anything?” Harry asked.

Draco returned to himself to find Harry Potter standing over him with a wand pointed at his chest.

“You hexed me!” he screeched.

“Yes, I am aware of that. But did you see anything?”

“Put your wand down, you twisted fuck! And get out!”

Harry kept his wand firmly pointed at Draco. “Not until you tell me what you saw.”

Draco glared at the brunette above him, but knew better than to try and reach for his own wand. Harry was known, in certain circles, to be a bit unstable and quite enthusiastic about using his wand. “What the hell did you hit me with?” Draco demanded instead.

“A memory charm reversing spell.”

“That's impossible. There’s no such thing,” Draco barked. “You must have hit me with some sick, twisted fantasy spell. What’s wrong with you, Potter? As if I would give birth to your baby out of my precious arse!”

“Oh… well, that explains why you aren’t very tight,” Harry snickered.

“EXCUSE ME! I AM EXTREMELY TIGHT!”

“If you say…”

“I AM!”

“Mmmm hmmm…”

“You’re the one with the twisted fantasy about me having to squat to give birth.”

“Come on, Malfoy. Do you really think I fantasize about your baby-popping arse?” Harry lowered his wand, his amused smirk clearly evident.

“You used to fantasize about my arse,” Draco pouted.

“That’s before I knew that you weren’t very tight.”

Draco leapt to his feet. “Get out!”

Harry grabbed Draco’s arm instead. “Come on,” Harry stated. “We’re going to see Dumbledore.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you!” Draco screeched, trying to pull away.

Harry pointed his wand at the blonde. Draco became quite still. “Why did you say we have to see Dumbledore?”

“Because something strange is going on with these memory charm reversal spells. And if something strange is happening, you can be sure that Dumbledore has something to do with it.”

-----------

Harry and Draco portkeyed to Harry's office in the Gryffindor Tower, and were making their way to the Headmaster.

“Now let me get this straight,” Draco scoffed. “Some brat in your class, a completely untrained witch, used this new memory charm reversal spell on you today, and you suddenly remembered seeing yourself give me a slightly used, purple, shiny, tasty, male fertility potion when I turned five?”

“Mmm…”

“And then I told you that I was pregnant?”

“So it seems.”

“I was right. You do have sick, twisted fantasies.”

“This was not my fantasy.”

"Very true. Yours involve Floo powder and a corset."

Harry stopped dead in his tracks, anger plainly on his face. “Fuck off, Malfoy."

Draco turned to Harry with a gleam in his eye. “Are you wearing your corset now?” he asked.

"I said, fuck off, Malfoy," Harry repeated in a low, threatening tone.

Draco continued walking. “Well, I’d offer, but there’s only one of me, Potter. I hear that you need at least two…”

Harry drew his wand and pointed it at Draco.

“Oh look,” Draco pointed out calmly. “Here we are now.” He stood before the stone gargoyle guarding Dumbledore’s office. "How convenient."

Harry caught up and glared at the blonde. “Don’t think this is over, oh butt-popper,” he warned, ignoring Draco’s stare. He then muttered the password, “Purple shiny tasty potion.”

Draco frowned. “Well, that seems strangely prophetic,” he noted.

“A little too…” Harry agreed, ushering Draco through the door.

“Harry,” Dumbledore said in greeting, his eyes twinkling and then widening in surprise when he saw Draco. “And Draco Malfoy,” he noted in a slightly more panicked tone. “What a surprise,” he added, looking furtively around the office as if trying to find an escape.

“Hello Albus,” Harry said in greeting. “We were wondering if you had a moment.”

“Er… I’m really quite busy right now. Maybe some other time?” Dumbledore grabbed a fully packed suitcase and began to back out of the room.

“Where are you going, Professor?” Draco asked.

“On holiday. Yes, that’s it. Holiday. Must leave immediately.”

“Now?” Harry asked in surprise. “In the middle of the school year?”

“It was the only time I could get a booking,” Albus said. “I must hurry so I don’t miss my… er… portkey. That’s it. Toodles.”

Harry stepped between the Headmaster and the door. “You’re not trying to avoid us, are you, Headmaster?”

“Er… no. Of course not, Harry,” Albus said, a little too quickly. “I just have to hurry. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He tried to step around the Defense professor, who was not so accommodating.

“Albus, I really do think we need to talk,” Harry said, blocking the Headmaster's escape.

Dumbleodore’s expression looked panicked. He stood there, wavering for a moment, and then threw the suitcase at Harry. As Harry stumbled back, Albus ran to his fireplace, surprisingly fast for one his age, and disappeared into the Floo network.

Harry and Draco exchanged surprised looks.

“Well, that’s interesting,” Harry said mildly.

"Indeed. He used the Floo network. Doesn’t that turn you on, Potter?"

Harry glared at Draco. "Very funny, Malfoy. I'm surprised you didn't dive into the fireplace chasing after him."

"And why would I do that?" Draco scoffed.

"Because you want answers."

“Well, of course I want answers. He obviously knows something.”

“Yes, I imagine he does know why you’re not very tight.”

“POTTER! I’m going to strangle you.”

Harry ignored Draco and pulled out the Marauders Map. “We’re in luck,” he said. “He’s still in the castle.”

“Where?” Draco demanded.

Harry grabbed Draco’s arm and started pulling him from the room. “He’s heading toward the Dungeons. Let’s go.”

-----------

Harry and Draco tackled the Headmaster in a long, dimly-lit Dungeon corridor.

“No more running, Albus,” Harry said as he pinned the Headmaster to the ground. “We just need to ask you a few questions.”

A group of upper-year Slytherins walked into the hallway, and stopped, obviously shocked at the scene in front of them.

“Get out of here!” Harry spat.

The students began to scurry out of the way. “I thought he only liked twins,” one of them remarked in a hushed voice that carried surprisingly far.

“I guess any two blokes will do," another student replied. "But the Headmaster…?”

Harry groaned, stood up, and pulled Albus to his feet. Dumbledore tried to get away, but Harry kept a firm grip on his arm. The Headmaster sighed, and then asked in a resigned voice, “Was there something you wanted, boys?”

“Yes, Albus. We’re looking for an answer to a peculiar mystery. You see, I was teaching a new memory charm reversal spell in my class today,” Harry began.

“Oh,” Dumbledore said in a neutral tone.

“And I had the weirdest memory resurface.”

“You don’t say?”

“So then I hexed Malfoy here with the same spell.”

“Really Harry,” Dumbledore admonished. “That’s quite rude.”

“Well, he’s never been known to be couth," Draco agreed sulkily.

Harry ignored him. “Albus,” he said, his full attention on the Headmaster. “Why do Draco and I both share the bizarre memory of Draco giving birth to our child when we were both five?”

Albus started to twist around in Harry’s grip. “Isn't it obvious, Harry? It's a new spell that hasn't been properly tested. Maybe this spell reveals your deepest fear."

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Oh Harry, don't be so thick," interrupted Hermione, the new Divinations Professor, who was strolling down the hall past them and stroking her crystal ball. "What's the likelihood that you really feared that Malfoy gave birth to your MPREG baby when he was five? Obviously the Headmaster is trying to avoid answering your questions."

Harry squeezed the Headmaster's arm tighter. "You have a point there, Hermione. I never thought about Malfoy having my baby from his arse until I was hexed with that reversing spell." Harry turned to face Hermione but she already disappeared down the hallway. He then turned back to the squirming Headmaster. "Now would you care to tell us what's really going on?"

“What do you want me to say, Harry? That you and Draco had an MPREG baby when you were just five.”

“Or that Potter has sick, twisted fantasies about me,” Draco interjected.

“How about telling us the truth, Albus,” Harry suggested.

Dumbledore sighed. “OK. You and Draco had an MPREG baby when you were just five. May I go now?”

“WHAT?” Harry screamed.

“This is ridiculous,” Draco scoffed. “There’s no way a baby came out of my arse when I was five!”

Professor Snape, who had been striding through the Dungeon corridor on the way to his classroom, stopped short, his eyes wide in surprise. There was a heavy silence as he considered the three men before him.

“Well,” he said in a thoughtful tone, “that does explain why you’re not very tight, Draco.” He then nodded his head by way of farewell and continued on his way.

A shocked Harry turned to Draco. “You fucked Professor Snape!” he screeched.

“Like you haven’t!” Draco yelled right back.

“Well, Draco,” Dumbledore noted calmly, “Professor Snape does have a reasonable observation. Haven’t you wondered why you’re not very tight?”

“Albus too?!” Harry continued screeching. “Who haven’t you slept with, Malfoy?”

“Oh, you’re a fine one to talk about affairs, Potter.”

“Me? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a few twins and leather. But you… I used to have to squeeze your thighs together just to get some friction.”

“You dirty son of a bitch!” Draco lunged at him.

Dumbledore took advantage of their scuffle to sprint down the corridor.

“Don’t let him get away!” Harry yelled and took off down the hall after him.

Draco, in a rare display of agreement, followed. They quickly caught up with him. This time they both grabbed an arm.

“Boys, you really don’t want to know about this,” Dumbledore argued.

“Just tell us what happened,” Harry and Draco demanded.

“You want to know what happened," Dumbledore snapped. "Fine. Harry, you shared a male fertility potion with Draco at his fifth birthday party. Draco, you got pregnant and gave birth to a baby, yes, from your precious arse. Draco, your father wanted to kill the baby, not to mention Harry here, but your mother kidnapped the baby and gave it up for adoption. Then we altered both of your memories.”

“You can’t be serious!” Harry cried. “This is a sick joke, right?”

“Sorry, no,” Dumbledore told them.

Draco exploded. “And nobody thought to tell us?” he exclaimed.

“Well, no. You weren’t supposed to recall any of this, remember?”

“This can’t be real,” Draco stated firmly. “I don’t know what twisted games you’re all playing but…”

“Draco,” Dumbledore interrupted. “Haven’t you ever wondered why you have stretch marks?”

Harry started to laugh at Draco’s horrified expression. But then Harry realized another implication, and his laughter ended abruptly. “Wait a minute. I knew about the Wizarding World when I was five? I thought I was with the Dursleys and had no contact with Wizarding World until I turned eleven.”

“Sorry for deceiving you, Harry. I used to be able to visit you… before you knocked up Draco here. I had to ignore you after that or else Lucius would have followed me, and he was pretty adamant about killing you at the time.”

“So you just left me all alone with the Dursleys… who kept me locked up like an animal in a cupboard?!”

“Be reasonable, Harry. They were afraid you would impregnate Dudley. I tried to tell them that you didn’t have access to any more male fertility potions, but they didn’t quite trust me.”

“And you just left me there.”

“Yes.”

“And, you didn’t think to ever tell Draco or me about this… situation?”

“No.”

“You lied to me!”

“If you look back, Harry, you’ll realize that I lie to you all the time. I’m not sure that we’ve ever had a conversation where I haven’t lied to you about something.”

Harry collapsed against a convenient wall.

Draco, however, was still fuming. "But… why the hell did I have to have a baby when I was five? Harry and I shagged loads of times in our teens. Why did he have to knock me up when I was that young?"

"Honestly, Malfoy, that’s quite easy to explain," Hermione piped up, walking back down the hall again, this time stroking her kitty. "This is an AU, RPS, MPREG, Crossover fanfic. Your son is a real life person who was born in 1985. Given that you and Harry were both born in 1980, the authors didn't have a lot of other options to choose from, and a time turner would have been so cliché."

"Oh," Draco replied, stunned.

Hermione walked down the hall and disappeared around a corner. Albus then shook off Harry and Draco’s hands, which had been restraining him. "Well, it looks like my job is done here,” he said.

“Where’s my baby?” Draco demanded.

“What?!” both Harry and Dumbledore exclaimed.

“I want my baby!” Draco insisted.

“Draco,” Dumbledore said in a worried tone. ”Your baby is now a grown man of twenty. He knows nothing of these events.”

“I want to see him. Don’t you want to see him, Harry? Don’t you want to see our son?”

Harry looked shocked. “Er…” was all he could get out.

“Where is he?” Draco demanded again.

“He’s in the United States.”

“He’s an uncivilized, uncultured American?!”

“Calm down, Draco. Your mother gave him to a muggle family in the Ukraine who emigrated.”

“A muggle family! My son was raised as a muggle! I demand to see him. Now!”

Harry continued to look shocked. Dumbledore sank his head into his hands as if he had the world’s worst migraine.

“Draco,” the Headmaster looked up and began speaking in a soothing voice. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea. You’ll completely disrupt his life. He doesn’t know anything at all about the Wizarding World. He doesn’t even know he’s been adopted.”

“If I have to have the stretch marks, then I damn well better be able to see him. Don’t you agree, Harry?”

Harry still hadn’t regained control over his vocal cords.

“Please, Headmaster,” Draco said with his signature winning Malfoy smile. “Just tell me his name.”

“I know I’m going to regret this,” Dumbledore muttered. “His name is Anthony. Anthony Fedorov.”

“And where can I find my baby?” Draco asked.

“Well, from what I understand, your son is currently competing in the singing competition, American Idol.”

End of Chapter 1

PLEASE REVIEW!

P.S. – If you like my twisted Harry Potter slash parodies, check out my collected works.

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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