SLASH! PARODY! Harry Potter and his friends gather together to read an advance copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince when they receive news from a troll in the fandom about who is going to die.
This parody contains SPOILERS from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
This parody is RATED R and includes SLASH.
This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Harry Potter crept up the staircase to the Gryffindor Tower. The hallway was empty. He removed his invisibility cloak and approached the painting of the fat lady guarding the entrance.
"Password?" the fat lady asked.
"Abstinence," Harry replied.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" she said.
"Oh… er… sorry," Harry said. "The password is… chastity."
The fat lady made a face. "Look creep, I don't know what kind of broad you think I am, but my secret password sure ain't chastity. Now get outta here."
Harry looked flustered. "Look, I have to get into the Common Room. I want…"
"A good, hard, desperately needed fuck," Ginny added, a few feet behind him.
The fat lady flashed a wicked grin and opened the door. Harry turned and saw Hermione, Ron and Ginny standing a few feet away. Hermione and Ron looked the same, but Harry still couldn’t get over Ginny’s radically altered appearance. She now looked like a red-headed runway model with sparkling rainbow-colored eyes and abnormally large breasts, upon which she prominently displayed a gilded “Slug Club” pin.
Harry looked at Ginny in disbelief. "That's… the new… er… password?" he stammered.
“Yeah, I changed it myself,” Ginny said, flashing her flawless smile and wrapping her arms around Harry. “Does it make you want to do anything… naughty?”
Ginny smelled like she had bathed in Chanel No. 5. Harry pulled away from her, gasping for breath. The four Gryffindors then entered the Common Room. There was a roaring fire, and a few leather couches and tables scattered around the room. As Ginny and Ron settled down on the some of the couches, Harry pulled Hermione aside.
"I'm glad you made it," Harry replied. "But… er… did you really have to bring Ginny?"
Before Hermione could answer, the door to the Common Room swung open, and Albus Dumbledore entered the room, followed by Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape. The two Slytherins had their arms and legs bound together with magical leather straps, so they had to hop in tandem in order to make their way over to the couches.
"What the hell are they doing here?" Harry demanded, glaring at Hermione.
"Sorry Harry," Hermione said, "but Professor Dumbledore is very interested in knowing what's going to happen this year, and he invited Professor Snape, who seems to be bound to Malfoy at the moment."
Harry and Ron both stifled a laugh as Draco flashed them a menacing glare. Harry then reached into his bag and pulled out a book with the title of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
"Professor Dumbledore, I found this in the Room of Requirement. I believe it will tell us what will happen…"
Suddenly, the door opened again and Lord Voldemort entered, carrying a bottle of oak matured mead.
"Tommy, you made it," Albus cried enthusiastically.
"Oh dear God!" Harry screeched, dropping the book. "You invited Voldemort?"
"Now Harry, Tommy and I are old friends."
"They don't call me Tommy anymore," the Dark Lord announced, settling down on a plush sofa.
"They certainly do at the gay bathhouse in Hogsmeade," Albus replied with his signature gleam in his eye.
The Dark Lord glowered at the Headmaster, and then poured everyone a glass of mead. "Shall we begin?" he asked innocently.
Hermione picked up the book from the floor. "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," she said, reading the cover.
“Blimey, what a stupid title,” Ron said. “What idiot would call himself the Half-Blood Prince?”
Severus glared at him. “I have no idea.”
“But Severus,” Albus said, “didn’t you used to write that name down in your…?”
“No!” Severus snapped. “Miss Granger, we don't have all day.”
Hermione glanced back at the cover of the book. “Oh look,” she exclaimed, “the inscription says that this is the Deluxe Edition.”
“Really?” Voldemort asked. “Does that mean that it includes secret clues about whether Harry will die a slow and painful death at the end of his seventh year at Hogwarts?”
“Erm… no… not exactly,” Hermione stammered as she shifted further away from the Dark Lord. “The Deluxe Edition is the same as the Regular Edition, except it comes in a cheap cardboard box, has one color picture of a fox about to be executed and…. erm… it costs about an extra twenty dollars.”
Voldemort looked confused. "Well, at least you could frame the picture of the doomed fox," he finally added.
There was an awkward silence. Ginny seized the opportunity and leapt on top of Harry.
“Oh Harry, don’t you feel our… SPECIAL CONNECTION?” she purred.
Harry looked absolutely traumatized as he quickly pushed her off of him.
"Fine," Ginny replied. "Play hard to get."
Ginny snapped her fingers. Suddenly, Dean Thomas came dashing into the room, stark naked. Ginny stripped off her clothes and Dean mounted her doggie-style.
"Ginny, what're you doing?" Ron screeched, getting hit in the face with his sister's flying panties. "I don't want my own sister shagging people in public!"
"Oh, shut it, Ron, you're such a prude!" Ginny screamed. "If you went out and got a bit of shagging done yourself you wouldn't mind so much that everybody else does it!"
"At least I wouldn't do it in public," Ron shrieked.
“Miss Granger, would you please continue,” Albus said, sipping his mead and ignoring the proceedings around him.
Hermione quickly averted her eyes from the Ginny debacle, opened the book to chapter one and began. “It was nearing midnight and the Prime Minister was sitting alone in his office, reading a long memo…”
“Give me a fucking break,” Draco sneered. “Can we skip to the next chapter?”
"Yes. Yes. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!" Ginny screeched.
Hermione shuddered as she flipped ahead to chapter two and began to read.
“Will you, Severus, watch over my son, Draco, as he attempts to fulfill the Dark Lord’s wishes?”
“Would you skip that chapter as well?” Severus asked nervously.
"But it was just getting good," Voldemort whined.
"Oh yes, yes, yes, it's so good," Ginny added.
Everyone looked at Ginny, thoroughly disgusted, as she and Dean finished their business. After Dean left the room, Ginny uttered a quick scourgify spell to clean herself off and then proceeded to get dressed.
"Sorry," Ginny said. "Hermione suggested that I date other people while I wait for Harry to realize that I'm his one true love."
Harry looked like he was about to be sick. Hermione quickly flipped to chapter three.
Suddenly, the door to the Common Room burst open and Professor Quirrell entered the room.
“TROLL IN THE FANDOM! TROLL IN THE FANDOM! THOUGHT YOU OUGHT TO KNOW!”
Everyone looked up in shock at the new arrival.
“Professor Quirrell,” Harry exclaimed. “What're you doing here? I thought you were dead!”
“Yeah whatever, kid,” Quirrell muttered, placing a laptop on an empty end table.
“What’s a troll?” Ginny asked, nuzzling up to Harry. Harry shifted away, disgusted.
“A troll," Hermione explained, "is miserable, pathetic creature who, in a desperate attempt to receive attention, posts spoilers on the Internet about who is going to die at Hogwarts."
"So I gather that you don't like trolls?" Ron asked.
"I loathe them," Hermione replied. "I'm the only one who's supposed to figure out what’s going to happen."
"You're not the only one, m'dear," Sibyll Trelawney said, entering the room while clutching a bag of tea leaves and a dead cat. "If my calculations are correct, the person who is going to die is… is… SIRIUS BLACK!"
Everyone stared at each other with disbelief.
"Can someone call security?" Harry asked.
Ginny started stroking Harry’s messy hair with her perfectly manicured fingers.
"PLEASE!" Harry screeched, pulling away from her.
Professor Quirrell led Sibyll out of the room. Voldemort then reached over and picked up the laptop. "Let's see," Voldemort said. "The troll's name is… oh dear… _dumbledoredies."
"Really?" Severus asked, his eyes darting around the room. "I would never have expected that to happen."
"But Professor, I thought you told me you would help me with my plan to…?"
"Shut up, Draco," Severus hissed.
There was another uncomfortable silence.
"Now, now, we don't know that the troll's right," Albus said.
"Yes we do," Hermione interrupted, grabbing the laptop. "There are actually two trolls, and the other is called snapkilzdmbledr."
"Excuse me?" Albus said.
"snapkilzdmbledr," Hermione replied.
"Miss Granger, the Headmaster obviously isn't fluent in plebe," Severus said. “So there is no sense in bothering him with this ridiculous and highly superfluous troll’s username.”
Hermione glared at him. "Right, but if you clicked on the link to this troll's LiveJournal, it includes an excerpt of page 606 which says ‘Snape kills Dumbledore with Avada Kedavra!’"
There was a haunting silence.
"I see," the Headmaster finally said.
"Oh come now, Albus," Voldemort interrupted. "You read the Las Vegas Polls. The odds were 4:1 that you were going to croak."
"And you already expired after the second movie," Severus said. "So this should come as no surprise."
"Stop being so self-centered," Voldemort added. "Think of the fangirls. Would you really want a slash sex god like Severus, Remus or Draco to die in your place?"
"I suppose not," Albus said. "But Severus… I TRUSTED YOU!"
"And rightfully so," Severus replied. "After all, I would just be following your orders."
"What?" Albus gasped.
"Headmaster, please. You must realize that I would only murder you if I was doing exactly what you ordered me to do."
"HE LIES!" Harry screeched.
Severus paled and looked at Harry. "Excuse me, Potter?"
"You lie! It isn't Snape who will murder Professor Dumbledore, it's Draco Malfoy!"
"But Harry," Hermione said reasonably. "If you would just look at page 606."
Harry ignored her. "I've been watching you like a hawk, Malfoy. I know when you eat. I know when you sleep. I know when you breathe."
"Harry, are you aware of the anti-stalking laws in Scotland?" Hermione asked.
Harry continued to ignore her. "I know everything about you, Malfoy. I know your biorhythms. I know the taste of the sweat as it drips off your jockstrap. I know…"
"Please tell me this incident happened before Malfoy and I were bound together," Severus said, disturbed.
"Ooh, I bet you know my biorhythms, too, Harry," Ginny added. "I bet you know the taste of sweat as it trickles between my Double D jugs and glides into my Chamber of Secrets."
Voldemort choked on his mead. "All right, who invited this Filthy!Skanky!Sue to our get-together?"
"She is not a Sue!" Ron barked adamantly. "She's my sister, although she has been acting kinda strange lately."
"Sorry if I got carried away," Ginny replied disingenuously, rubbing up against Harry. "It's not my fault that I have perfect hair, a perfect body, am an awesome seeker and chaser, a member of the prestigious Slug Club, and everybody loves me."
"Ginny, I think that's enough," Ron said, looking squeamish.
"Miss Weasley, if you speak one more word, I'm afraid I will lose my lunch," Severus added.
"No, I must continue," Ginny stated adamantly. "Everybody loves me, especially Harry. He’s going to fall madly in love with me."
"Ginny, you… you don’t understand,” Harry stammered. “We can't be together. Spiderman will always have enemies."
"Spiderman?" Ron asked, confused.
"Never mind," Harry replied.
"Harry," Ginny said, "I know that's not the real reason. You're afraid. I understand that. I would be terrified too if a girl as beautiful and perfect and wonderful as I am fell for a bloke who had an ugly scar on his forehead. But since we're destined to be together, why don't you just tell me the truth?"
"Fine," Harry replied. "I'm gay."
"WHAT?" Ginny shrieked.
"Harry, you're g-g-g-g-gay?" Ron asked, spilling mead everywhere.
"Well, of course he's gay," Hermione replied. "Haven't you noticed that he's obsessed with Draco and has a mad crush on the Half-Blood Prince?"
"Thanks," Harry replied, glaring at Hermione. "I didn't realize that I was that obvious."
Draco looked shocked. Severus looked appalled. Ron looked like he desperately needed a full-frontal lobotomy.
"I always figured you were a flaming poof, Potter," Draco finally spat.
"But Draco," Severus said, "weren't you caught in the Quidditch Locker Room being sandwiched between Wood and…?"
"Shhh…" Draco hissed.
Harry narrowed his eyes. "You're right, Malfoy, I am a poof. And it is because of my raw unfettered poofiness that I discovered the bitter truth… Draco Malfoy will murder Professor Dumbledore under the guise of Polyjuice!"
Everyone turned to look at Draco, who suddenly paled and began to cry.
"Blimey, since when did Malfoy start crying?" Ron asked.
Hermione shrugged. "It's canon," she said, flipping through the book.
Severus snorted. “Canon,” he said in a disgusted tone. “This is preposterous. What’s next then? Remus Lupin dating Nymphadora Tonks?”
Hermione flipped to the end of the book. “Erm…”
Draco sniffled loudly. Severus rolled his eyes and handed Draco a handkerchief. Draco blew his nose and dabbed away his tears. "I… I have to murder the Headmaster," he sobbed. "The Dark Lord threatened to kill me. He… threatened to kill my whole family."
"Me?" Voldemort replied, aghast. "Why don't you blame your father, you pathetic crybaby? If Lucius hadn’t destroyed a fraction of my soul, botched the secret mission to retrieve the Prophecy, and then denied me my customary blow job before I ritually pillaged his sacred temple, things may not have had to come to this, Draco."
Harry turned to Dumbledore. "Headmaster, there must be something that I can do to change this."
"Yes, you don't have to be gay, Harry," Hermione replied.
Harry did a double take. "Don't tell me that you're interested in me, too?"
"Well, no," Hermione replied, "I actually fancy Professor Snape. But I was feeling a bit sorry for the sobbing Harry/Hermione fangirls, so I figured I'd throw them a bone."
"The Harry/Hermione fangirls?" Ginny screeched. "Who cares about those bitches? Think about the irreparable damage Harry's doing to the Harry/Ginny fangirls, the diehard fans of the one true pairing that is endorsed by the goddess J.K. herself!"
"You little bitch," Hermione screamed, pulling Ginny's hair.
"You're just jealous," Ginny shrieked, slapping Hermione across the face.
As the girls fought, the Headmaster motioned to Harry. "There is something you can do to change the future," Albus said.
Hermione released Ginny from a headlock as the everyone turned to hear what Dumbledore had to say.
"This is just a book, Harry," Albus said, clutching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. "A foreshadowing of what the future will bring unless you choose to make a change."
"You mean I can change what will happen?" Harry asked.
"Yes," Albus replied. "You're the Chosen One. Only you can make a difference. You can make a choice now and change the future.”
"Then I know what I must do," Harry said, drawing his wand.
There was a flash of green light followed by a deafening silence. Ginny Weasley tumbled to the floor, dead.
Everybody cheered as Harry made his way over to sit on the couch next to Draco.
"So Draco," Harry said, "care for a fresh start?"
"Do I still get to break your nose?" Draco asked.
"Take your best shot," Harry purred. "OWWWWW!"
Harry and Draco started necking as blood flowed everywhere, getting all over Malfoy and Snape.
"Um… boys… I'm still here," Severus grumbled.
"Oh ignore them," Hermione replied, approaching Severus. "Wouldn't you rather seduce your Mudblood Princess?"
"EXCUSE ME?" Severus replied, aghast.
"Oh shut up and kiss me," Hermione said.
“Well, if you insist,” Severus agreed. Severus and Hermione began to make-out.
"Hey, what about me?" Ron asked.
"What about you?" Hermione said, gasping for air mid-kiss.
"Well, if Harry's with Draco, you're with Snape, and Ginny's dead, who do I get to snog?"
"Oh Lavender, your Won-Won is waiting for you!" Hermione called out.
Suddenly, Lavender Brown raced into the Common Room, her arms outstretched. Ron stepped over Ginny's corpse and made a mad dash for the doorway, Lavender chasing after him.
As Ron and Lavender left the room, Albus slid over next to Voldemort. With a twinkle in his eye, Albus asked, "Well Tommy, do you want to grant a doomed man his last request?"
Author’s note: This fic is dedicated to all those diehard HP fans who inadvertently ran across spoilers to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince before getting a chance to read it. I hope you enjoyed it! Also, I would like to thank daylyn for her hilarious contributions.
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P.P.S. – If you like my twisted Harry Potter slash parodies, check out my collected works.