Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,
Arrmaitee
arrmaitee

New Fic!

The UNAUTHORIZED Goblet of Fire

by

Arrmaitee and Daylyn



SUMMARY:

SLASH! PARODY! You've all seen the film… several times. But for those of you craving an unauthorized, uncensored view of what really happened during Harry's saucy, slashy fourth year at Hogwarts, read on…

DISCLAIMERS:

This parody includes every spoiler imaginable from the film Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

This parody is RATED R and includes lots of SLASH.

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.


---------------------------


FADE IN:

Out of the blackness emerges a pile of skulls. The camera pans towards Nagini slithering out of an ominous cranium as we read the title:

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN II
HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE



INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT

An old man is about to set himself on fire when he sees a light flickering on and off in the abandoned mansion next door.

OLD MAN
Another rave? I'll kill those bloody kids!


INT. ABANDONED MANSION - NIGHT

Inside the mansion, the old man climbs up a rickety staircase until he hears hushed voices coming from upstairs. He stands outside the room and sees Wormtail and Barty Crouch Jr. fawning over the bastard love child of E.T. and the Grim Reaper.

OLD MAN
(eavesdropping)
What the fuck?

LORD VOLDEMORT
I want the boy. The young, delectable, little boy.

WORMTAIL
Oh no no no my Lord Voldemort. I only meant… perhaps if we do it without the boy?

LORD VOLDEMORT
I need the boy!

WORMTAIL
But… wouldn't you rather have someone a bit more mature? A blond perhaps?

LORD VOLDEMORT
BRING ME THE FUCKING BOY!

Nagini slithers into the room.

NAGINI
Hiss. Hiss. Hiss.

LORD VOLDEMORT
Nagini says we have company. Hello there.

OLD MAN
Oops, I didn’t realize that this was a non-con slash fanfic written for hpchan. I’ll just be going.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


INT. RON'S BEDROOM – MORNING

Harry Potter is happily dreaming when Hermione Granger enters the room.

HARRY POTTER
(talking in his sleep)
Oh yes, Draco. Our burning hatred makes our secret love so much stronger.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Wake up, Harry.

HARRY POTTER
Huh! Hermione? I… had… a nightmare. Yeah, my scar hurts. Very scary.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Whatever. Wake up, Ronald.

RONALD WEASLEY
Bloody hell! Can't you see that I am in my bed fully clothed?


EXT. GRASSLAND – MORNING

Harry, Hermione, Ron, and some other Weasleys, but not Bill, the cool one who we all wanted to see, are walking through a grassland when they meet up with Cedric and Amos Diggory. The camera focuses on Cedric's manly body, perfect face, and dashingly handsome features as he leaps out of a tree and lands in front of Harry.

HARRY POTTER
Oh my god, he's bloody HOT!

HERMIONE GRANGER
I thought you were pining after Draco Malfoy?

HARRY POTTER
Draco who?

Ignoring Harry, Arthur Weasley approaches Amos Diggory.

ARTHUR WEASLEY
So this strapping young lad must be Cedric.

GINNY WEASLEY
Ya think.

Harry suddenly realizes that he's drooling.

CEDRIC DIGGORY
(to Arthur)
Hi, I'm Cedric. I'm the only redeeming aspect to Hufflepuff, I beat Harry in Quidditch, and yes I know I’m hot.

They walk up a hill. Harry follows in a daze.

ARTHUR WEASLEY
Harry, grab onto that manky old shoe.

HARRY POTTER
Er… what? Okay.

Suddenly Harry looks into Cedric's dreamy eyes and everything starts to spin.

HARRY POTTER
My world is spinning. I'm in love!


EXT. CAMPGROUND - DAY

Harry, Hermione and Ron crash down onto the ground – HARD.

RONALD WEASLEY
Oww… I think I broke something.

Arthur, Amos and Cedric do a little pirouette before gracefully landing. Cedric reaches out to Harry and peels him off of the ground.

HARRY POTTER
He held my hand!

GINNY WEASLEY
I think I’m going to be sick.

They walk across a field and see a large crowd singing and dancing while dressed in brightly colored garb. Music blares as we see numerous tents set up with colored pennants flapping in the breeze.

HERMIONE GRANGER
We're going to a Renaissance Fair?

ARTHUR WEASLEY
No, this is the Quidditch World Cup.

HERMIONE GRANGER
If you say so…

Arthur leads Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys to their tent. Cedric and Amos depart. Harry enters the tent.


INT. WEASLEY TENT – DAY

Harry is SHOCKED when he enters small bland-looking tent and sees that the inside looks like the penthouse suite at the Bellagio Hotel.

HARRY POTTER
(dropping his jaw in awe)
I love magic!

HERMIONE GRANGER
Erm… Harry, didn't you already say that in the first film?

HARRY POTTER
Oh right, er… let me try that again.

Harry leaves the tent and reenters momentarily. He is SHOCKED to see that the inside of the tent looks like the penthouse suite at the Bellagio Hotel.

HARRY POTTER
Er… Mr. Weasley, why is it that you live in a run down mangy old shack but can use magic to turn the inside of your tent into a luxury suite at a five star hotel?

ARTHUR WEASLEY
Harry, this is what we call a plot hole. What’s next – are you going to question why we can’t use the Galleonio spell to transfigure asphalt into money?

HERMIONE GRANGER
Wouldn’t that lead to destabilizing inflation?

Arthur whacks his head repeatedly against the marble desk in the tent's foyer.


EXT. STAIRCASE - QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP – DAY

Harry, Hermione and the Weasley clan are walking up the stairs to their nose-bleed seats when they run across Lucius and Draco.

DRACO MALFOY
We’re sitting in the Minister’s Box. By personal invitation of Cornelius Fudge himself. Nyah nyah…

HARRY POTTER
Who are you?

DRACO MALFOY
(tearing up)
You’ve forgotten me already? I hate you Harry Potter. I hate you!

LUCIUS MALFOY
(hitting Harry with his pimp cane)
You broke my son's heart. But I will have my revenge soon enough. Do enjoy yourself, won't you… while you can.
(pinching Draco’s arse)
Follow me, Draco. Daddy will never forget his little dragon.


EXT. NOSE-BLEED SEATS – DAY

The Quidditch World Cup is about to begin. Everyone is cheering. Harry looks around suspiciously.

HARRY POTTER
Er… where’s Winky?

RONALD WEASLEY
Forget about Winky. I want to know what happened to the veelas.

Suddenly, Viktor Krum flies over their heads into the stadium and pandemonium erupts. The crowd starts cheering KRUM, KRUM, KRUM!

RONALD WEASLEY
That’s Viktor Krum! He’s the best seeker in the world!

HERMIONE GRANGER
I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.

RONALD WEASLEY
What?!


INT. WEASLEY TENT - NIGHT

RONALD WEASLEY
There's no one like Krum. He's like a bird…
A sleek firm bird with a long hard beak.

GINNY WEASLEY
Think you're in love, Ron?

FRED, GEORGE AND HARRY
(singing)
Viktor, I love you. Viktor I do!
When we're apart I spank the monkey only for yooooooou!

RONALD WEASLEY
Shut up, you bitches.


EXT. CAMPGROUND – NIGHT

A group of men dressed in black pointy hoods storm the camp outside the Quidditch World Cup and start setting tents on fire. Random people start screaming and running out of the camp. None of the thousands of wizards and witches even attempt to subdue the five hooded pyromaniacs who are burning down all of the tents.


INT. WEASLEY TENT - NIGHT

RONALD WEASLEY
(oblivious to what is going on outside the tent)
Dad, why is it that we went to the Quidditch World Cup and never saw any Quidditch?

ARTHUR WEASLEY
Don't comment about this film's appalling editing, Ron. Just keep pining after Viktor Krum and ignoring Hermione.

There is an ominous sound. Arthur peeks outside the tent and sees the hooded men torching random tents. The music SWELLS as Arthur says --

ARTHUR WEASLEY
Everybody back to the portkey! Hurry!

DEAN THOMAS
Holy shit! It's the Klu Klux Clan!

BLAISE ZABINI
Don't hurt me! I'm not really black… just… er… extremely tan. And… I don't even know that I'm a bloke… yet.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Boys, they're not the Klu Klux Clan, they're the Death Eaters. Though they look remarkably alike.

DEAN AND BLAISE
The Death Eaters? RUN!

HARRY POTTER
Wait! Come back! I need to go find Cedric and save him. Oh no… he's already gone! The love of my life has left me all alone so that I can be knocked over and almost trampled and burnt to death even though everyone manages to miraculously step over limp, unconscious body. OWWWW!


EXT. CAMPGROUND – NIGHT

Harry wakes up in the deserted campground. All of the tents have been torched. Remarkably, he is unhurt. Barty Crouch Jr. casts a spell and the Dark Mark appears in the sky. Barty sees Harry and steps towards him.

HARRY POTTER
Aren’t you supposed to be invisible?

BARTY CROUCH JR.
(ignoring Harry)
Ooh, Lord Voldemort’s right, you are truly delectable.
(unbuttoning his fly)
And he wouldn’t mind if I had just a little taste…

HARRY POTTER
No. Wait. I’m saving myself for Cedric. I…

Ron and Hermione approach. Barty Crouch Jr. leaves.

RONALD AND HERMIONE
Harry, there you are!

HARRY POTTER
You saved my virgin arse!

RONALD AND HERMIONE
What?

Suddenly, a handful of Aurors fire spells at them and, despite their intensive training, all of the spells miss.

BARTY CROUCH SR.
Caught at the scene of the crime.

HARRY POTTER
Crime?

HERMIONE GRANGER
Harry, it is a crime to cast the Dark Mark.

BARTY CROUCH SR.
Playing dumb are you, Potter?
I’m gonna drag you in and send you straight to Azkaban.

HARRY POTTER
Wait! There was a man. Over there. I didn’t see his face.

BARTY CROUCH SR.
Oh, that sounds credible. Follow me, Potter.

HARRY POTTER
But…


INT. HOGWART’S EXPRESS – DAY

Harry, Hermione, Ron and Crookshanks are sitting in a cabin together.

HARRY POTTER
I can’t believe your parents pawned their own home to bail me out of jail. No wonder you can't afford anything more than a pack of Droobles.

RONALD WEASLEY
I can’t believe the Dark Mark was cast with your wand, Harry.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Shhh… you’re not supposed to mention that plot point. Otherwise people might start asking questions about Winky…


EXT./INT. HOGWART'S GREAT HALL – DAY

All of the Hogwarts students are in awe as the flying carriage arrives from Beauxbatons and the ship arrives from Durmstrang. After settling into the Great Hall, the doors to the Hall swing open and a dozen seventeen-year-old blondes and one random twelve-year-old prance in, moaning gratuitously as they walk past the golden trio, before doing acrobatics.

RONALD WEASLEY
Oh thank you, Lord!

Hermione elbows him. The doors swing open once more and a bunch of hot seventeen-year-old Eastern European blokes storm the castle while doing tricks with poles, before doing even more random acrobatics. Viktor Krum enters the room followed by Igor Karkaroff.

RONALD WEASLEY
Oh thank you, Lord!

HARRY POTTER
I think he's sexually confused.

HERMIONE GRANGER
As if you should talk.

Mad-Eye Moody enters the Great Hall, looks curiously at Harry Potter and then shoots a spell at the storming ceiling.

HARRY POTTER
What the fuck?

Hermione shrugs as Albus Dumbledore silences the room.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Attention, this year Hogwarts has the honor of hosting the Tri-Wizard Tournament, where a representative from each school competes for eternal glory and a fairly cheap-looking trophy. However, due to the inherent dangers in this competition, the Ministry has seen fit to impose a new rule.

Albus gestures to Barty Crouch Sr. to speak.

BARTY CROUCH SR.
Thank you, Albus. This year, only candidates over the age of… um… Harry Potter, how old are you?

HARRY POTTER
Fourteen.

BARTY CROUCH SR.
Right. As I was saying, only candidates over the age of… er… seventeen shall be allowed to put forth their name for this tournament.

The crowd boos.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
SILENCE!
(pointing his wand at a pillar which transforms into the Goblet of Fire)
The Goblet of Fire. Anyone wishing to submit themselves to this competition merely write their name on a piece of paper and dump it in the flames. But be warned, if selected, the candidates enter a binding magical contract, where they agree indemnify and hold harmless Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for any and all injuries they may sustain in connection with the competition’s three rigorous tasks, while at the Yule Ball, or while posing naked in a bubble bath. For this reason, only exceptionally talented candidates who look good in g-strings will be considered. From this moment, the Tri-Wizard Tournament has begun!


INT. GREAT HALL – NIGHT

Igor Karkaroff deviously sneaks into the Great Hall at night. Just as the audience is led to believe that he is about to jinx the Goblet of Fire, we see, in the background, Severus Snape grab Igor and kiss him passionately. The door closes.


INT. MOODY'S CLASSROOM – DAY

The class settles in as Mad-Eye Moody prepares to give his first lecture.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Good morning, class. Welcome to the Defense Against the Dark Arts. Today, we're going to learn how to use Unforgivable curses to torture and kill animals.

HERMIONE GRANGER
What? That's outrageous!

MAD-EYE MOODY
Crickey, look at this cute little deadly spider.
Isn't it a beauty?

SEAMUS FINNIGAN
Erm… when did the old codger turn into The Crocodile Hunter?

Ignoring the comments, Mad-Eye Moody pulls out his wand and points it at the spider.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Engorgio!

RONALD WEASLEY
Oh my God, it's huge!

SEAMUS FINNIGAN
That's the biggest one I've ever seen.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Would you like to play with it?
(points wand at spider)
Imperio!

The spider leaps on top of Ron's head and start to tap dance.

RONALD WEASLEY
No stop! I can't handle one that's that large.

Draco laughs.

DRACO MALFOY
Oh, I want a big one like that. It reminds me of that precious night Potter and I spent together in our secret love nest in the Astronomy Tower.

The spider leaps on top of Draco’s face.

DRACO MALFOY
Ack! Help me, Harry! Please!

HARRY POTTER
Who are you?

MAD-EYE MOODY
(gesturing toward the spider)
What else should I make it do? Throw itself out the window?
Drown itself in a pail of water? Dry hump Ronald Weasley?

RONALD WEASLEY
What? No!

MAD-EYE MOODY
On to the next lesson. Neville, come up here and tell me the name of the curse that I used to torture your parents until they went insane. Er… I mean… give me the name of another Unforgivable.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
(approaching the front of the class)
The Cruciatus curse.

MAD-EYE MOODY
(points wand at the spider)
Crucio!

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

HERMIONE GRANGER
Stop it! Can't you see that it's bothering him?

MAD-EYE MOODY
Well, of course I can, you stupid bitch. That's why I am doing it.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Oh…

The wincing spider leaps onto Hermione's desk.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Can you give me the final Unforgivable curse, Miss Granger?

HERMIONE GRANGER
Sod off.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Um… that's not it. I think it's… Avada Kedavra!
(the spider slums over dead)
See?

Mad-Eye Moody approaches Harry.

MAD-EYE MOODY
There is only one person who has ever survived the Avada Kedavra curse, and he's truly delectable… I mean… um…

Mad-eye quickly takes a swig from his flask.


INT. GREAT HALL – DAY

Hermione sits on bleachers near the Goblet of Fire as two older black students whom we have never seen before throw their names in.

HARRY POTTER
Who are those people?

HERMIONE GRANGER
Extras hired to bring more diversity to the film. Don't worry, you'll never see them again.

Cedric Diggory puts his name into the Goblet of Fire, and then flings himself in some random guy's arms.

HARRY POTTER
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

HERMIONE GRANGER
Don't worry, Harry. You'll never see that random guy again either.

Harry dabs away his tears as the twins burst into the Great Hall wearing nothing but g-strings.

RONALD WEASLEY
What’s the selection criteria again?

HERMIONE GRANGER
Exceptional talent and… erm… looking good in a g-string, I believe.

FRED AND GEORGE
We look good in g-strings!

HERMIONE GRANGER
(shudders)
Fortunately you're not seventeen.

FRED AND GEORGE
We have an aging potion. Bottoms up!

The boys drink the potion, jump across the age line, and then put their names in the Goblet of Fire. It spits their names out and suddenly they look really old.

FRED WEASLEY
(slapping George)
You bitch! Now I look all old and flabby in my thong!

GEORGE WEASLEY
(pulling Fred onto the ground)
I'll still do you.

FRED WEASLEY
(pulling George’s hair)
I hate you, you whore! Kiss me!

Suddenly, Viktor Krum walks into the room purposefully and puts his name in the Goblet of Fire. He looks at Hermione, who gives him a 'Yeah, I'd do you' look.


INT. GREAT HALL – EVENING

A crowd of students gather in the Great Hall. Professor Dumbledore steps up to the pedestal to speak.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
And now the moment you've all been waiting for – the Champion selection!

The Goblet of Fire suddenly turns red and spits out the first name.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
The Durmstrang Champion is… Viktor Krum!

RONALD WEASLEY
Yippy! I mean… um… nevermind.

The crowd cheers as Viktor shakes Albus' hand and takes the stage. Another name comes out.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
The Champion from Beauxbatons… Fleur Delacour.

The crowd stirs as Fleur stands up and walks towards Albus.

DEAN THOMAS
Isn't she supposed to be hot?

GINNY WEASLEY
I thought she was half-veela?

HERMIONE GRANGER
She is… whoever did the casting needs to be fired.

RONALD WEASLEY
What're you talking about? She's the love of my life… assuming Viktor's unavailable.

The Goblet spits out a third name.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
The Hogwarts Champion… Cedric Diggory.

HARRY POTTER
(jumping up and down)
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Cheers erupt as Cedric rises, shakes Albus' hand, and takes the stage.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Excellent. We have our three Champions. But in the end, two of them are going to lose this competition and regret it for the rest of their lives.

Severus looks back at the Goblet of Fire curiously and sees that it is still deliberating. The Goblet glows blood red and spits out a fourth name. Albus catches it.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Harry Potter.

Harry slinks down on top of Hermione.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
HARRY POTTER!

HERMIONE GRANGER
Get… the fuck… off of me… Harry.

HARRY POTTER
No.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Erm… don't you want to stand next to Cedric?

HARRY POTTER
(leaping to his feet)
Well in that case…

Harry trots over to Albus Dumbledore, picks up the slip of parchment with his name, and walks over to stand next to Cedric.


INT. TROPHY ROOM – NIGHT

Harry enters the trophy room and waits beside the other Champions to see what will happen.

IGOR KARKAROFF
I object!

MADAM MAXIME
I protest!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
(tossing his wand aside)
I'll get to the bottom of this.

Albus Dumbledore races over to Harry and SLAPS him.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?

HARRY POTTER
No, sir.

Albus SLAPS Harry again.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Are you sure you didn't ask an older student to do it for you?

HARRY POTTER
I didn't, sir.

Albus puts Harry in a headlock.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Are you absolutely positive you're not lying?

HARRY POTTER
I… can't breathe… sir… but… I speak… truth… sir.

Albus releases Harry from the headlock, and Harry gasps for breath.
Albus turns to look at Karkaroff and Maxime.


ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I told you he's not lying.

MAD-EYE MOODY
It can't be Harry. It would take a really advanced Confundus charm to trick the Goblet into believing that Harry would look good in a g-string.

SEVERUS SNAPE
What are talking about? Haven't you seen his juicy cheeks press up against his tight trousers when he bends over to pick up a fallen potion ingredient?

There is dead silence in the room for a few moments.

IGOR KARKAROFF
(glaring at Severus)
You've thought a lot about this, haven't you, Severus?

Severus gives Albus a pleading look.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Er… let's punt the decision to Mr. Crouch.

BARTY CROUCH SR.
The Goblet of Fire is a legally binding instrument. If we don't let the boy compete, Hogwarts may be liable for incidental, compensatory and punitive damages. Harry has no choice. From this moment, he's a Tri-Wizard Champion.


INT. DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

McGonagall, Snape, Mad-Eye Moody and Dumbledore have gathered in the Headmaster's office to deliberate.

MINERVA MCGONAGALL
We have to do something!

SEVERUS SNAPE
We do?

MINERVA MCGONAGALL
But… Potter is a boy, not a piece of meat!

SEVERUS SNAPE
I fail to see the distinction.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I agree with Severus.

Minerva storms out of the room.


INT. GRYFFINDOR DORMROOM – EVENING

Harry walks over to Ron's bed and taps Ron on the shoulder.

HARRY POTTER
Good night, Ron.

RONALD WEASLEY
Fuck you, Harry. I hate you!

HARRY POTTER
Um… is everything all right?

RONALD WEASLEY
Go to hell, you bitch! You have to have all the glory, don't you?
How did you get your name in the Goblet of Fire, you fucking arsehole?

HARRY POTTER
Ron, I swear. I don't know how my name got in the Goblet. It just did, ok.

RONALD WEASLEY
Of course it did, you piece of shit. And Cedric just happened to get selected, too? And he just happens to be almost as attractive as Viktor, without the devastatingly sexy accent? I should've known all along that you'd hide the truth from your most loyal, stupid friend, you prick. Now go fuck yourself.

HARRY POTTER
But…


INT. TROPHY ROOM – DAY

Harry Potter and the other Tri-Wizard Champions are posed as a photographer takes their picture. Rita Skeeter watches.

RITA SKEETER
Aren’t you all so… darling.
(slaps Fleur’s cheeks)
So… handsome.
(pinches Cedric’s arse)
So… manly.
(grinds up and down against Viktor)
So… delectable.
(licks Harry’s cheek)

HARRY POTTER
Eww… I’m saving myself for…

RITA SKEETER
Yes, yes. You’re all so… tempting.
(grabs Harry)
I think I’ll start with the jail-bait.

Rita drags Harry into the closet.

HARRY POTTER
Why are we in the closet?

RITA SKEETER
I thought you’d be more comfortable. After all, this is where you spend all your time. Now tell me, Harry, are you still a virgin?

HARRY POTTER
What?!

RITA SKEETER
I’ll take that as a yes. So how does it feel knowing that you’re likely to die a virgin?

HARRY POTTER
I’m not going to die a virgin!

RITA SKEETER
(turns to Quick-Quote Quill)
Take this down.
Harry Potter, virgin, haunted by the ghosts of his past, laments that his young life will likely soon be over. His greatest tragedy – that he has never tasted hot, naked, manly love. Is it possible that this young tragic boy hero, the one who had once triumphed over He Who Must Not Be Named when he was but an infant, will now die a lonely death without the touch, the taste, the feel of a pulsing, powerful, thrusting shaft, tearing through the cobwebs on his arse, and delicately plundering…

HARRY POTTER
I do not have cobwebs on my arse!


INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM – NIGHT

Harry Potter slinks quietly down the stairs into the Gryffindor Common Room.

HARRY POTTER
Sirius? Are you here? Are you… invisible?
(hearing no answer, he picks up a copy of the Daily Prophet)

RITA SKEETER (V.O.)
Harry Potter, virgin, haunted by his own frigidity and the tangled cobwebs guarding his unplucked arse…

HARRY POTTER
(throwing the paper into the fire)
Bitch.

SIRIUS BLACK
(voice coming from fireplace)
Hey! Don’t dump that trash on me.

HARRY POTTER
Sirius! Oh my god! What happened to your face?!

SIRIUS BLACK
Great fucking question. Not only do they cut my screen time down to this one superfluous cameo, but they also make me look like a pepperoni pizza! It’s not fair. First I suffer for twelve years in Azkaban for a crime I didn’t commit, and now this? Somebody hates me, I tell you. I bet they’re gonna kill me off in the next film.

HARRY POTTER
Er… Sirius… what about me? I’m not ready to be in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. I've had nightmares about Voldemort. And Cedric is neglecting me. Whatever should I do?

SIRIUS BLACK
It’s all about you, isn’t it? Harry Potter and the fill in the blank. Never about how much I suffer.

HARRY POTTER
Er…

SIRIUS BLACK
You want advice? Fine. Let me give you some fucking advice. Keep your friends close, Harry. Oops, someone’s coming. Gotta go back and do something productive. Oh, that’s right, I can’t. Because I’m a goddamn fugitive.

Sirius' head disappears in the fireplace.

RONALD WEASLEY
(coming down the stairs)
Who are you talking to?

HARRY POTTER
No one.

RONALD WEASLEY
(going back up the stairs)
Yeah, right. You're probably practicing for another interview, you piece of shit.


EXT. HOGWARTS LAKE – DAY

Harry is sitting at the edge of the lake watching Neville gawk at plants.

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
Harry, look at this incredibly cool plant.

HARRY POTTER
I hate plants.

Ron, Hermione and Ginny approach. Harry looks at Ron, who whispers something to Hermione. She glares at him, then approaches Harry.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Ronald would like me to tell you that, while Dean was shagging Ginny, he overheard Parvati tell Padma that Hagrid was looking for you.

HARRY POTTER
Is that right? Well… WHAT?

Ginny grins devilishly.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Um… Dean overheard Parvati while shagging… please don't make me say it again. Hagrid's looking for you.

HARRY POTTER
Well you can tell Ronald…

HERMIONE GRANGER
I'm NOT an owl!

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
And I'm NOT a house elf!

Everyone looks at Neville strangely.


EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

Harry is walking with Hagrid in the woods when he smells something peculiar.

HARRY POTTER
Hagrid, did you take a bath?

RUBEUS HAGRID
As a matter of fact, I did, Harry.

There is a rustle in the bushes.

RUBEUS HAGRID
Quick, hide under yer cloak.

Harry hides under his invisibility cloak as Madam Maxime approaches.

MADAM MAXIME
Oh Hagrid, I thought… perhaps… you had forgotten me.

RUBEUS HAGRID
(kissing Maxime)
I could never forget you, Olympe.

HARRY POTTER
(sticking his tongue out)
Eww… yuck… HET!

Hagrid leads them down a path until they see, in the distance, dragons in metal cages in giant wooden crates that remarkably never seem to catch on fire.

HARRY POTTER
(popping his head out of the cloak)
Dragons? That's the first task? You're joking.

RUBEUS HAGRID
Yep. Didn't Ron tell you?

HARRY POTTER
(pouting)
No, he didn't. He didn't tell me a thing.

RUBEUS HAGRID
Ron's sexy brother brought the dragons over from Romania. Unfortunately, he's not in this film, along with Molly, Percy, Bill, Sirius…

MADAM MAXIME
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

RUBEUS HAGRID
What's wrong, Olympe?

MADAM MAXIME
You let a Hogwarts Champion see the first task. That is CHEATING!
I will have to report this incident to the Ministry!

RUBEUS HAGRID
(pointing his pink umbrella at Maxime)
Obliviate!

Harry ducks back under his cloak as Maxime comes around.


EXT. COURTYARD - DAY

Harry walks down the corridor past a number of student's wearing spinning badges that say "Potter Stinks." A young boy runs past.

BOY
Cedric rules…

HARRY POTTER
(dreamily)
Yep.

Harry pushes aside a random blonde girl, and walks toward Cedric Diggory, who is lying on his back, with his crotch facing the camera and his head buried in another bloke's lap. All of Cedric's friends have "Potter Stinks" badges. Harry freezes, horrified, but finally musters up the courage to speak.

HARRY POTTER
Can I have a word?

Harry stares into Cedric's mesmerizing eyes and suddenly all is forgiven.

CEDRIC DIGGORY
All right.

Cedric leads Harry to a secluded clearing and gives him a 'I didn't just have my head in another bloke's lap' look.

HARRY POTTER
Dragons. That's the first task. They've got one for each of us.

CEDRIC DIGGORY
(inching closer to Harry)
Are you serious?

HARRY POTTER
Yes.

CEDRIC DIGGORY
(practically on top of Harry)
And you told me?

HARRY POTTER
Yes, Cedric. I did.

Harry's body quivers as his mouth is only inches away from Cedric's. Cedric pulls Harry into his arms.

CEDRIC DIGGORY
Harry?

HARRY POTTER
Yes?

Cedric's mouth ghosts across Harry's face.

CEDRIC DIGGORY
I want you to know that…

HARRY POTTER
(arching his back)
Yes?

CEDRIC DIGGORY
I've asked them not to wear the badges.

HARRY POTTER
What?

Cedric leaves. Harry has an incredibly bad case of blueballs. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Ron and Seamus walking along.

HARRY POTTER
Fuck you, Ron!

RONALD WEASLEY
Fuck you, Harry!

HARRY POTTER
I hate you!

RONALD WEASLEY
I hate you!

HARRY POTTER
Stay away from me!

RONALD WEASLEY
Fine!

HARRY POTTER
Bitch!

In the distance, Ginny whispers to Lavender.

GINNY WEASLEY
Can anyone say unresolved sexual tension?

As Harry walks away, Draco calls out to him.

DRACO MALFOY
(sitting in a tree…)
Hey Potter! My father and I have a bet. He says that you really are going to die a virgin. I say that you’ll take me up on my offer and meet me in our secret love nest in the Astronomy Tower so that I can finally cure your pesky virginity problem once and for all.

HARRY POTTER
Have we met?

DRACO MALFOY
What?!
(drops out of tree and shrieks in pain)
Ow! I think I broke my ankle! Help me, Harry!

HARRY POTTER
I’d like to help, whoever you are, because I am a benevolent bloke.
(starts to walk away)
But I think I see Cedric over there.

DRACO MALFOY
(pulls out his wand)
You bastard! I’ll make you love me!

Mad-Eye Moody draws his wand and transfigures Draco into a ferret.

DRACO MALFOY
(turning into a ferret)
Squeak!

MAD-EYE MOODY
(bounces ferret!Draco up and down)
This… will… teach you… to try… and insert… non-con… in a PG-13 flick!

DRACO MALFOY
(in subtitles)
Fine… I don't want… his mangy… cobwebbed arse… anyway.
(leaping into Crabbe's pants)
But I can make him jealous.

VINCENT CRABBE
Yeah, let's make him jealous. Brace yourself, Draco.

MINERVA MCGONAGALL
(running over, waving her arms)
Stop this at once! We will not have bestiality in this film either!


INT. MAD-EYE MOODY'S OFFICE - DAY

Professor Moody leads Harry to his office and gestures for him to sit down.

MAD-EYE MOODY
So, what are you going to do about your dragon?

HARRY POTTER
I dunno.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Well, what are you good at?

HARRY POTTER
I dunno.

MAD-EYE MOODY
How did the Goblet select you?

HARRY POTTER
I dunno.

MAD-EYE MOODY
You won't believe what's in that trunk.

HARRY POTTER
I dunno.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Listen to me Potter. Your pal Diggory is actually talented. Miss Delacour isn't a fairy princess. And Krum may be downright stupid but he's shagging Karkaroff and Granger in order to gain a competitive advantage. You have to have a strategy that will play to your strengths, such as learning the Accio spell and summoning your Firebolt before the dragon turns you into burnt toast. Now come on Potter, what are your strengths?

HARRY POTTER
I dunno.


INT. CHAMPIONS' TENT – DAY

Harry stands in the Champions' tent, wearing a cheesy "Potter 4" outfit. He tries not to look at Cedric, who is pacing nervously around the tent.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Pssst… Harry? Is that you?

HARRY POTTER
Hermione?

Hermione leaps on top of Harry and hugs him desperately. Harry pushes her away.

HARRY POTTER
(looking nervously at Cedric)
Not in front of HIM!

Suddenly, a bright camera flashes as Rita Skeeter prances into the room.

RITA SKEETER
Young love! And all along I thought you were queer, Harry.

VIKTOR KRUM
Get out, bitch, this tent is only for Champions and bushy brunettes.

Albus Dumbledore enters the tent.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Good day, Champions. Gather around please. Your first task is to steal a golden egg that is being guarded by an evil dragon. Hermione, what're you doing here?

HERMIONE GRANGER
(leaving)
Erm… throwing the Harmony fans a bone?

Barty Crouch Sr. approaches, pulls out a bag of miniature dragons, and then leads Cedric over to stand next to Harry. Harry suddenly looks EXHILARATED.

HARRY POTTER
Bring it on! Bring on the goddamn horntail!

BARTY CROUCH SR.
What's that, boy?

HARRY POTTER
Oh nothing…


INT. CHAMPIONS' TENT – SAME SCENE – LATER

Harry sits in the corner of the tent awaiting his task.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
(through a loudspeaker)
Now that Cedric, Viktor and Fleur have all faced their dragons, heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Harry!

Harry walks out of the tent and into the stadium. He sees the allegedly unguarded golden egg in the distance.

HARRY POTTER
Whoopie! I see the golden egg is unguarded. I am just going to walk over and snatch it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The Hungarian Horntail appears out of nowhere and lunges at Harry. Harry leaps through the air. The dragon lunges at Harry again. Harry leaps again. The dragon lunges. Harry leaps. The dragon blows fire. Harry leaps.

HERMIONE GRANGER
Your wand, Harry! Use your wand!

HARRY POTTER
Accio Firebolt!

Harry and the dragon stare in the distance, but no Firebolt comes.

HARRY POTTER
Accio Firebolt! Accio! Accio!

Still no Firebolt. The dragon licks its lips and lunges for Harry.

HARRY POTTER
Oh fuck! I forgot to learn the Accio spell! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SFX: GULP. BURP.

HERMIONE GRANGER
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Pandemonium erupts in the stadium. Hysterical students pour out of the arena. Cedric, Ron and Ginny faint. Hagrid, Snape and Draco start sobbing uncontrollably.

MINERVA MCGONAGALL
Oh dear, the dragon ate Harry!

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
I told the editor not to cut out Harry learning the Accio spell.

MAD-EYE MOODY
Bugger. Now the Dark Lord's chance of coming back is ruined… not that that would be a bad thing.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Well, there's always the other boy...

NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM
(wiping away his tears while macking on Ginny)
What?

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Sybill once said that the prophecy could have applied to Longbottom as well, didn't you, Sybill? Sybill?

MINERVA MCGONAGALL
She's not in this film either.

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Whoever did the editing needs to be fired!


End of Part I

--------------

Authors' Note: Daylyn and I hope that you enjoyed the first installment of this parody as our holiday present to you. The second installment is in the works. Thanks again to all our fans for your unfailing support over the years. You have inspired us to write great slash! Happy holidays!

PLEASE REVIEW!

P.S.
– If you would like to receive updates on this fanfic, please add us to your friends list.

P.P.S. – If you like our twisted Harry Potter slash parodies, check out our collected works.

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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