Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,
Arrmaitee
arrmaitee

Chapter 5



The Very Sexy Sevvy


My Very Secret LiveJournal

by

Severus Snape

1991-92



POST 1: Welcoming feast.
I HATE WELCOMING FEASTS!
But the one thing I hate more than welcoming feasts are students.
I HATE STUDENTS!
And this year I will exact my revenge.
I WILL DEFLOWER THEM ALL!

Current Mood: Volatile

Comment: Oww… my scar hurts from looking at that strangely attractive,
hooknose pariah. I have a headache.
- Harry


Reply: I’m sure you do, you frigid bitch.
Classes haven’t even started yet and you already have a headache.
Bloody frigid Potters.
Your father was also a cock-tease.
I used to chase him up to the Astronomy Tower
only to hear him whine that he had diarrhea!
But I fucked him anyway…
Bloody frigid Potters.
- Severus

------------------

POST 2: First year Gryffindor-Slytherin Double Potions Class.
I hate teaching Double Potions!
I should be teaching the Defense Against the Dark Arts!
Potter and his slimy friends infected my lab.
HATE POTTER! HATE THOSE DAMN EYES!
Decided to interrogate “Our New Celebrity” just for kicks.
”Potter, what would you get if you added a teaspoon of Astroglide
to an infusion of Ben-Gay?”

Current Mood: Taunting

Comment: I don’t know, sir.
- Harry


Reply: Where would you look if I told you find me a Glory Hole?
- Severus

Comment: I don’t know, sir. I think Hermione knows.
Why don’t you try her?
- Harry


Reply: Tempting. What’s the difference, Potter, between Anal-Eze and Orajel?
- Severus

Comment: I don’t know, sir.
- Harry


Reply: Would you like to find out?
- Severus

------------------

POST 3: Potter turned me down.
Bloody frigid Potters.
I’m going to take him dry!
Decided to deflower young Malfoy in the meantime.
Offered Malfoy a midnight extra credit potions assignment.
The little bitch arrived in a leather chastity belt!
WHAT THE FUCK?

Current Mood: Frustrated

Comment: I’ll test drive your new extra credit potion!
- Fred

Comment: I’m sure you would, you dirty whore!
Don’t I satisfy you?
- George


Reply: Obviously not enough.
- Severus

Comment: Hey, I’m not the one who needs to use House Points
to get some action!
- George


Reply: I don’t use House Points, Mr. Weasley.
I use detention.
And Fred has detention with ME for a week!
- Severus

------------------

POST 4: DAMN, HE’S USED!!!!

Current Mood: Astonished… and oddly aroused

------------------

POST 5: Can’t sleep.
Between Crabbe’s screaming and Pansy’s shrieking,
the Slytherin House sounds like a bloody zoo!
Fucked them both.
Then gave them detention with Filch.
Still can’t sleep.
Oh, Potter…
Wanna meet me at the Astronomy Tower?

Current Mood: Horny

Comment: STOP! I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT!
- Hermione


Reply: Ten points from Gryffindor!
- Severus

Comment: Aren’t you gonna give me detention?
I’ve been sooooooo baaaaaaaad!
- Hermione


Reply: Fuck! Granger’s hitting on me!
- Severus

Comment: What’s the matter, Sexy Sevvy?
You can’t handle detention with… me?
- Hermione


Reply: Sorry… I have… diarrhea.
I mean… a headache.
Yeah… a headache.
- Severus

------------------

POST 6: Quirrell was buggered by a bloody mountain troll.
Damn, that troll beat me too it.
Decided to take Fluffy before the troll got to him, too.
Oh my God, he has three heads!
How… promising!
Now boys, you have to share.
DON’T USE YOUR TEETH!!!!

Current Mood: Mangled

Comment: How strange… Snape is all bloody and limping.
I wonder why…
- Harry


Reply: Don’t ask…
- Severus

------------------

POST 7: Quidditch Match. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin.
Sat in faculty box near Professor “I stole your job” Quirrell.
Quirrell tried to jinx Potter’s broomstick.
That broomstick is mine!
Uttered countercurse… must preserve his broomstick.
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I’M ON FIRE!
WHAT THE FUCK?

Current Mood: Burnt

Comment: Aren’t you gonna give me detention?
I love it when you’re all hot and bothered.
- Hermione


Reply: Uh… sorry. I have to… uh…
alphabetize my potions ingredients. Yeah…
- Severus

------------------

POST 8: Christmas.
I hate Christmas.
Nobody ever remembers Sexy Sevvy…
What’s this?
I have a present?
Somebody actually thought of me?
[unwraps gift]
SHAMPOO?!!!!!

Current Mood: Livid

Comment: Actually, it’s a bottle of 1% Pyrethrin Lice Ointment.
It’s called Pediculicide.
Muggle doctors prescribe it to treat pubic lice.
- Hermione


Reply: WHAT?!!!!! I DO NOT HAVE PUBIC LICE!
THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!
TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
- Severus

Comment: [scratching herself]
You sexy bastard!
No wonder I’ve been itching down there!
Can I have some of that… ointment?
- Pansy


Reply: HOW DARE YOU!
TEN POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
I - DO - NOT - HAVE - PUBIC - LICE!
- Severus

Comment: Actually you do.
Remember that week-long detention with Fred?
- George


Reply: FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!!!
- Severus

------------------

POST 9: Used Pyrethrin.
Got rash. Used Benadryl.
Got hives. Took hot bath.
Used same towel. Got lice.
Used Pyrethrin. Got rash...
I hate Peh-DICK-you-luh-side!

Current Mood: Itchy

Comment: See, if you had given ME detention,
you wouldn’t have lice.
- Hermione

Comment: No, you’d have rabies.
- Pansy

Comment:
[dropping her books and drawing her wand]
WHAT?!!!! Bring it on, BITCH!!!!
- Hermione


Reply: And to think, they’re fighting over me.
[scratch, scratch]
- Severus

------------------

POST 10: Quidditch match. Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff.
Volunteered to be the referee to protect Potter’s… broomstick.
Wood was quite concerned about winning this match.
He agreed to bottom for me if I made sure Gryffindor won.
Potter caught the snitch in five minutes.
I blew my wad in ten.
I should referee more often!

Current Mood: Sated

Comment: But… but I thought Wood was a top!
- Fred


Reply: Not anymore!
- Severus

Comment: I’m gonna KILL the sick, twisted fuck writing this crap!
As if I would ever barter my arse in exchange for… CENSORED!
- Wood

Author’s Note: Ignore him.

[Tying up Wood and hauling his mangled arse over to the infirmary for some tranquilizers]


Comment: Stop! Let go of me! Put me down! Owwww!
Someone please flame this trashy piece of… CENSORED!
- Wood


------------------

POST 11: Decided to bugger Quirrell.
Invited him for a private rendezvous.
Accused him of trying to get past Fluffy to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone.
He denied all of the allegations.
Informed him that he didn’t want me as his enemy.
Unzipped his fly.
Flipped him over.

Current Mood: Eager

Comment: [discovering a pair of Wood’s silk panties on top of Snape’s desk]
P-P-P-P-P-P-PANTIES?!!!!!
- Quirrell


Reply: Just hold still…
- Severus

Comment: B-b-b-but SEVERUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!!
- Quirrell


Reply: [ten minutes later]
We’ll have another little chat soon, when you’ve had time to decide
where your loyalties lie…
- Severus

Comment: B-b-b-but panties?
- Quirrell


Reply: Damn you Wood…
- Severus

------------------

POST 12: Potter saved the Sorcerer’s Stone.
Quirrell actually was trying to get past Fluffy.
I’m glad I buggered Quirrell’s arse before it was incinerated.
Now I just have to bugger Potter’s arse.
Bloody frigid Potters.
Went back to my flat to get some shut eye.
Found a sixteen-year-old Granger tied up naked on my four poster bed.
Well, if she insists…

------------------

Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!


Pansy Parkinson

POST: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Saw Drakey-Poo.
Decided to save my virginity for him.
I knew that no one could possibly change my mind.
[shrieks with laughter]
Oh, hi Professor.
PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: Greasy

Comments: None

Reply: I don’t believe this.
First he pops my cherry.
Then he gives me detention with Filch.
Now he doesn’t even post a fucking comment on my LiveJournal!
MEN!!!!
- Pansy

------------------

Marcus Flint

POST: Decided to undergo surgery for phallus augmentation.
Damn you, Percy!

------------------

Blaise Zabini

POST: Has anyone seen Moon?

Current Mood: Searching

Comment: No… I heard Moon transferred to Beauxbatons.
- Moon
[in a really cheesy disguise]

Reply: MOON, IT’S REALLY YOU!
YOU’RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
WAIT! COME BACK!!!
- Blaise

------------------

PLEASE REVIEW!

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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