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The Very Secret LiveJournals - Chapter 6



The Very Sexy Hermione



My Very Secret LiveJournal

by

Hermione Granger

1991-92



POST 1: [opening window]
An owl just flew into my bedroom and it had a letter tied to its leg!
What was the Royal Mail thinking?
I mean… I know they are in the middle of a budget crisis but…
THIS IS EXPLOITATION!!!
THIS IS ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!
This is a violation of International Treaties for the
Protection of Feathered Friends!!!

Current Mood: Outraged

Comment: Look bitch, untie the god damn letter!
I am working overtime to feed my family
and it would be nice to see my kids!
Now give me a fucking owl treat!
- The Owl


Reply: The NERVE of those damn union employees!
Well fine, I’ll untie the bloody letter!
But you’re not getting any owl treats!
Umm… what are owl treats?
- Hermione

Comment: I HATE MUGGLE-BORNS!
- The Owl


------------------

POST 2: [opening letter]

Dear Miss Granger,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been
accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
We realize that your admission has the following implications:
1) Yes, this does mean that you will have to give up your lifelong
dream of being the first girl admitted to study at Eton.
2) No, you do not have a choice in the matter.
3) Yes, this does mean that you are a witch.
4) No, your parents do not know this yet.
5) Yes, you will have to break the news to them.
6) No, not while they are handling sharp dental tools…

Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress


Current Mood: Stunned

Comment: Hermione dear,
Is that your acceptance letter from Eton?
After you graduated first in your class from Kindergarten
and scored in the 99.999999999999th percentile on the
Common Entrance Examinations, I just knew you’d be admitted.
- Mrs. Granager


Reply: Umm… Mum… you might wanna put the drill down.
- Hermione

------------------

POST 3: Just got home from the hospital.
Mum finally woke up from her coma.
Dad finally recovered from his quadruple bypass.
I’m glad my parents took the news well.
Read Hogwarts, A History.
Packed my trunk for school.
Reread Hogwarts, A History.
Took a cab to King’s Cross Station.
Read Hogwarts, A History again during the cab ride.
Barfed all over Hogwarts, A History.

Current Mood: I hate motion sickness.

Comment: D’you… uh… need some help back there?
- Cabdriver


Reply: Scourgify!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at the book]

Comment: HOLY SHIT!!!
- Cabdriver


Reply: Obliviate!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at the cabdriver]

Comment: Huh! I like toothpaste.
Do you have any bell peppers?
- Cabdriver


Reply: Oh, these simple spells do work!
- Hermione

------------------

POST 4: Received the following owl from the Ministry of Magic:

Dear Miss Granger:

We have intelligence that two spells were cast in your cab at 10:35 AM on
September 1st. One spell was in the presence of, and the other was on, a muggle.
The fact that he was an irritating Cockney is not a good defense. These violations
of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery and the
International Confederation of Warlocks’ Statute of Secrecy are inexcusable,
especially since you read
Hogwarts, A History almost three times!

In order to expunge these serious offenses from your record, you will be assigned a
very secret mission from the Ministry. I know it might sound ridiculous that
we would assign you a secret mission as a result of your egregious actions,
but this is an OOC slash fanfic, so deal with it.

Your “very secret mission” is to find Harry Potter and ensure that he does not
have sex with ANYONE while he is a student at Hogwarts.
If he manages to shag a person, creature or thing while at school, then, as punishment,
you will have to bang that person, creature or thing, as well.

Hopefully, you will find this assignment agreeable. Otherwise, you will be expelled.

Best regards,
Minister Fudge


Current Mood: Horrified

Comment: Sucks to be you… literally.
- Percy


Reply: B-b-b-b-but… can’t I just do community service?
- Hermione

Comment: You are doing the community a service!
- Minister Fudge


------------------

POST 5: Arrived at Platform 9 3/4.
Boarded the Hogwarts Express.
Rumor had it that Harry Potter was already on the train.
Slid open Harry’s compartment door.
Made up some silly excuse about looking for Neville’s lost toad.
Met Harry Potter.
THOSE EYES!
Harry was seated next to this dirty, redheaded quiff
who was trying to turn his pet rat into a gerbil.
Ewwwwww…
I think the redhead fancies Harry.
THERE’S NO WAY I’M FUCKING THE REDHEAD!

Current Mood: Adamant

Comment: [barging into the compartment
carrying a monogrammed leather paddle]
Merlin’s beard, it’s Harry Potter!
This is the love of my life!
My one true whipping boy!
HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!!!
- Draco


Reply: Stop!!! Stop!!! Stop this at once!
There’s no way I am fucking YOU either!
Put that paddle down!!!
I… I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT… OWW!!!
- Hermione

------------------

POST 6: Harry, Ron and I were sorted into Gryffindor.
George suggested that we hold a special initiation ceremony for Harry!
Fred started a waiting list for the First Official Harry Potter Gangbang.
56 Gryffindors signed up.
WHAT?!!! THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!!!
I WILL NOT FUCK 56 GRYFFINDORS!!!
I didn’t even know that there were 56 Gryffindors!
I’ll curse you all if you even DARE to ATTEMPT!!!!

Current Mood: Fuming

Comment: Calm down, sweetheart.
You won’t have to shag all 56 people on the same day!
Think of it as a form of office hours for physical education!
- Wood


Reply: That’s it! I’m jinxing the list!!!
I’m jinxing the bloody list!!!
AND I KNOW THE PERFECT IMPOTENCY SPELL!!!
- Hermione

Comment: IMPOTENCY?!!!!!!
YOU WOULDN’T DARE THREATEN OUR MANHOOD!!!!!!
- Fred and George

Comment: YEAH… YOU WOULDN’T DARE… or would you?
Umm… guys… I think that bird is crazy…
Why don’t we just forget the gangbang and have a threesome in the
Boy’s Locker Room. I only have an hour until my “appointment” with Minerva.
- Wood


------------------

POST 7: First year Gryffindor-Slytherin Double Potions class.
OH MY GOD, THE POTIONS MASTER IS SEXY!!!
I suddenly feel a greasy, tingling sensation around my unbuttered biscuit…
I WANT TO MOUNT HIS SALLOW, SCRAWNY BODY!!!
But that’s not all I want…
I know that Snape is the Grand Master of a 500 year old Secret Society that is
so powerful that it could change the name of wizardry forever!
I will infiltrate the organization and learn its secrets!

Current Mood: Calculating

Comment: Umm Hermione… I didn’t know you were so interested in…
the Death Eaters.
- Harry


Reply: I’m not talking about the Death Eaters, Harry.
This society is much more excusive…
- Hermione

Comment: You mean there’s another scary, secret society at Hogwarts?
- Ron


Reply: Don’t you boys read?
Snape is the Grand Master of the Very Secret Naked Slytherin Society.
- Hermione

Comment: THE WHAT?!!!
- Harry and Ron


Reply: The Very Secret Naked Slytherin Society.
- Hermione

Comment: But we never heard of it!
- Harry and Ron


Reply: Of course you haven’t heard of it; it’s very secret!
Even most of the Slytherins don’t realize that the have been selected for membership
until they are bound, gagged and secretly initiated by the Grand Master himself!
- Hermione

Comment: Bloody Hell! Why would anyone want to join a secret society like that?
I’m so glad I’m not in Slytherin!
- Ron

Comment: Is it too late to switch Houses?
- Harry


Reply: I already checked…
- Hermione

Comment: Bugger!
- Harry


------------------

POST 8: This has been an incredibly stressful week.
Dumbledore, Wood, Malfoy, Ron, and Snape all tried to ATTEMPT!
How the fuck am I supposed to study for classes under these conditions?
I’ve been so busy protecting my unbuttered biscuit that I didn’t even
have time to reread Hogwarts, A History!
I NEED TO PUT HARRY ON A LEASH!

Current Mood: Exhausted

Comment: I’ll help you restrain Potter…
- Professor Snape

Comment: You can restrain him after his one-on-one quidditch training.
- Wood

Comment: You can train him after we play Pop Goes the Weasel.
- Ron

Comment: You can play with him after we go on our secret date.
- Draco

Comment: You can date him after he comes to my office hours.
- Albus


Reply: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
- Hermione

Comment: What’s her problem?
- Albus

Comment: Mental, that one.
- Ron

Comment: It’s probably that time of the month.
- Professor Snape

Comment: It’s ALWAYS that time of the month.
- Draco

Comment: I think she needs a Prozac Cocktail.
- Wood


Reply: WHY WOULD I NEED PROZAC?!!!!!
DO I SEEM UNBALANCED?!!!!!
- Hermione

------------------

POST 9: Woke up in the infirmary.
Left for Flitwick’s Charms class.
Flitwick had erectile dysfunction.
Cast Wingardium Erectosa…
The spell was overly effective.
Harry and Ron also got boners…
Watched Harry and Ron sneak off to the Gryffindor’s Boy’s Shower.
Kicked open the shower door.
Caught the duo about to play Butt Pirates of the Caribbean.
THERE’S NO WAY I AM FUCKING RON!

Current Mood: Determined

Comment: Hermione, what the hell are you doing here?
We’re naked! This is the boy’s shower!
- Ron


Reply: Oh for heaven’s sake!!!
Stop! Stop this at once!!!
Harry, take that thing outta there!!!
Oh good, Ron’s arse was only semi-shagged.
Hopefully, that doesn’t count…
- Hermione

Comment: It counts…
- Minister Fudge


Reply: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT RON!!!!!!!
WHY COULDN’T HARRY JUST PLAY SOLITAIRE?!!!!!!
- Hermione [getting teary-eyed and storming off to the girl’s bathroom]

------------------

POST 10: [crying in the girl’s bathroom]
Oh, boo hoo…
I can’t believe I have to semi-shag Ron!
I hate this very secret mission!
What’s next – is Harry gonna try to bugger a troll?
OH MY GOD, THERE’S A MOUNTAIN TROLL IN HERE!!!!!
HARRY – YOU DIDN’T!!!!!
HOW COULD YOU?!!!!!
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I JUST GO TO ETON?!!!!!!

Current Mood: Insane

Comment: Umm… Eton’s an all boys school…
- Harry


Reply: That’s beside the point!
Tell me you didn’t shag the troll, Harry!
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!
- Hermione

Comment: I didn’t…
- Harry


Reply: OH THANK GOD!!!!
Now I’m just gonna hide under a very visible sink and…
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!
The troll is coming to bugger me!!!!
- Hermione

Comment: HERMIONE, WATCH OUT!!!
- Harry
[leaping on top of the troll and shoving his wand up the troll’s arse]

Comment: Ooh, I like playing rough!!!
[Grabbing Harry, flipping him, and positioning him spread eagle over a toilet]
- The Troll

Reply: OH NO, THE TROLL’S ABOUT TO TAKE HARRY DRY!!!!!
DO SOMETHING RON!!!!!
- Hermione

Comment: What?
- Ron

Comment: ANYTHING!
- Harry


Reply: Swish and flick!
- Hermione

Comment: WINGARDIUM ERECTOSA!
- Ron
[demonstrating proper wand technique]

Comment: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
THAT - WAS - THE - WRONG - SPELL!!!!!!!!
OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
I’M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!
- Harry


Reply: [faints]
- Hermione

------------------

POST 11: My life really sucks!
I just forked over my anal cherry to a mountain troll,
and now I have to let Ron stick the head in…
But there might be another way to salvage my unbuttered biscuit!
Oh Ron…

Current Mood: Manipulative

Comment: Yes…
- Ron


Reply: Would you mind quickly following me to a secluded place
where no one can hear you scream…
- Hermione

Comment: Sure, what’re friends for…
- Ron


Reply: Now close your eyes…
- Hermione [pulling out a strap-on dildo]

Comment: Hey, what’re you doing with that?
Why am I stark naked on all fours in the middle of the Forbidden Forest?
Hey, that tickles… YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW!!!!!!
- Ron


Reply: Well, now that’s taken care of…
- Hermione

Comment: OOOH, BABY! DO THAT AGAIN!
HARDER! HARDER!
- Ron


Reply: OBLIVIATE!!!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at Ron]

Comment: Huh? Who are you? Am I a tomato?
- Ron


Reply: Much better…
- Hermione

------------------

POST 12: My parents want me to come home for Christmas.
WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?
I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HARRY AND RON ALONE TOGETHER!
Fortunately, I convinced the boys to spend their whole winter break
looking for information on Nicolas Flamel in the Restricted Section.
They’ll never find information on Flamel there…
OH MY GOD, DID I JUST SEND HARRY TO THE RESTRICTED SECTION?!!!!

Current Mood: Horrified

Comment: Yes, you did…
- Wood


Reply: Thanks for rubbing it in…
- Hermione

Comment: My pleasure. I told you I’d spam your LiveJournal.
- Wood


Reply: Well, this isn’t exactly spam; we’re having a conversation.
- Hermione

Comment: Look
- Wood

Comment: BITCH
- Wood

Comment: Does
- Wood

Comment: This
- Wood

Comment: Constitute
- Wood

Comment: Spam
- Wood

Comment: To
- Wood

Comment: You
- Wood

Comment: Now
- Wood

Comment: ??????
- Wood


Reply: Well, that isn’t exactly spam either.
It just looks like your “Enter” key got stuck.
Spam generally has a disturbing sexual undertone.
- Hermione

Comment: Look
- Wood

Comment: BITCH
- Wood

Comment: I
- Wood

Comment: Am
- Wood

Comment: Going
- Wood

Comment: To
- Wood

Comment: Steal
- Wood

Comment: Your
- Wood

Comment: PANTIES
- Wood

Comment: !!!!!!
- Wood

Comment: Is that better?
- Wood


Reply: Umm… security!
- Hermione

------------------

POST 13: Harry, Ron and I got embroiled in a quest to find the Sorcerer’s Stone.
After fifteen pointless visits to Hagrid’s hut, he finally revealed that he accidentally
leaked secret information about Fluffy in exchange for a Norwegian Ridgeback.
So instead of immediately contacting Dumbledore about Hagrid’s egregious
security breach, we decided to take Norbert up to the tallest tower at midnight
to hand him off to Charlie’s friends.

Current Mood: Nervous

Comment: Put me down, goddammit!!!!
I’m not going to some Funny Farm in Romania!
- Norbert

Comment: Norbert, yeh know yer Mommy’s goin’ ta write to yeh!
- Hagrid

Comment: Will you stop calling yourself Mommy! That’s sick!
You’re a bloke for Christ’s sake!
- Norbert


Reply: This is ridiculous. I’m breaking out my ball-gag.
- Hermione

Comment: YOUR BALL-GAG?!!!!!
HOW DARE YOU!!! I SHOULD SET YOU ON FIRE!!!
HEY! PUT THAT AWAY!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
- Norbert

Comment:
[catching Hermione, Harry and Neville with a ball-gagged Norbert]
Oh dear! Oh dear! Explain yourselves, all of you!
What are three Gryffindors doing carrying a ball-gagged baby dragon
to the tallest tower at midnight on Saturday without an invisibility cloak?
You will be punished for this!!!
- Professor McGonagall

Comment: But Professor, there has to be another way…
- Harry
[putting his arm around Minerva seductively]

Comment: Well I suppose…
- Professor McGonagall


Reply: NOOOOOO!!!!! I AM NOT FUCKING PROFESSOR McGONAGALL!!!
- Hermione

Comment: Be that as it may… I am very disappointed in all of you!
150 Points will be taken from Gryffindor and you will all have detention!
- Professor McGonagall


Reply: With Professor Snape?!
- Hermione

Comment: WITH HAGRID!
- Professor McGonagall


Reply: NOOOOOO!!!!! I AM NOT FUCKING HAGRID!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
- Hermione

Comment: I think she needs another Prozac Cocktail…
- Wood


------------------

POST 14: Woke up in the infirmary.
Funny, my panties are missing.
I wonder why.

Current Mood: Confused

Comment: Just take two more blue pills and go back to sleep.
Heh heh heh…
- Wood


------------------

POST 15: Got released from the infirmary.
Served detention with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest.
Fortunately, Hagrid was more interested in shagging Firenze than Harry,
so I was able to save my unbuttered biscuit for Professor Snape.
On the subject of Snape, tonight Harry was certain that Sexy Sevvy
was going to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone. I knew that it was really
Professor “I stole Snape’s job” Quirrell, but I just played along.
As we were about to leave the Gryffindor Common Room,
we were suddenly stopped by Neville.

Current Mood: Busted

Comment: You can’t go out. You’ll be caught again.
Gryffindor will be in even more trouble.
I’ll… I’ll fight you!!!!
- Neville


Reply: Erm… Neville, don’t you just want to smoke some of that
very interesting weed… right now?
- Hermione

Comment: You’re trying to drug me so that you can sneak out.
I won’t allow it. Besides, I ran out of my personal stash last week.
- Neville

Comment: What’re we gonna do?
- Harry


Reply: I have a plan. Umm Neville, d’you… erm… find Harry…
you know… attractive?
- Hermione

Comment: What?
- Neville, Harry, and Ron


Reply: Neville, would you like to bury your pregreased dong in
Harry’s anal love cavity?
- Hermione

Comment: WHAT?!!!!
- Neville, Harry, and Ron


Reply: NEVILLE, D’YOU WANT TO FUCK HARRY?
- Hermione

Comment: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!!!
- Harry and Ron

Comment: Harry, I didn’t know you were offering…
We could go back to my bunk right now and…
- Neville
[Putting his arm around Harry]

Reply: PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!
Sorry, Neville, you ATTEMPTED.
- Hermione

Comment: But you set me up! I’m gonna tell the Headmaster…
- Neville [petrified]


Reply: OBLIVIATE!!!
- Hermione [pointing her wand at Neville]

Comment: Huh? Can I borrow some spaghetti? I like pencils.
- Neville


Reply: Let’s go, boys…
- Hermione

------------------

POST 16: Led Harry and Ron to the third floor.
Harry used Hagrid’s flute to get past Fluffy.
Harry jumped down the secret trap door before Fluffy could ATTEMPT!
Ron and I quickly followed Harry down, down, down and…
WE LANDED ON A GREEN PLANT THAT’S INTO BONDAGE!

Current Mood: Oh Fuck!

Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I DON’T LIKE BEING TIED UP!!!
- Ron


Reply: This is Devil’s Snare. You have to stop moving!
- Hermione

Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
HOW CAN I STOP MOVING WHEN ITS TENDRILS
ARE MASSAGING MY PROSTATE!!!
- Ron

Comment: Hermione, we have to save him!
- Harry


Reply: Do we? He made us fuck a Mountain Troll…
- Hermione

Comment: Hermione!
- Harry


Reply: Fine. Uh… Mr. Devil’s Snare.
Ron is wearing Fred’s used briefs…
- Hermione

Comment: Oh fuck! That’s NASTY!
- The Devil’s Snare
[dropping Ron]

------------------

POST 17: Harry saved the Sorcerer’s Stone,
and suddenly all of the underage students at Hogwarts turned sixteen.
This is a fabulous opportunity. Now that I’m of age,
I broke into the dungeon and, due to an inexplicable plot hole,
managed to get past Snape’s wards and tie myself up naked
to Snape’s four poster bed without being seen or setting off any alarms.

Current Mood: Waiting

Comment: [finding Hermione naked on his bed]
Well, if you insist…
- Severus


Reply: I definitely insist…
- Hermione

Comment: STOP! STAY AWAY FROM HER UNBUTTERED BISCUIT!!!!!
- Harry


Reply: Harry, what the fuck are you doing here?
How did you get past Sexy Sevvy’s wards without triggering the alarm!
I thought you were still comatose?
- Hermione

Comment: Hey, you’re not gonna spend all year ruining my sex life,
and then shag Snape when you want to get some action!
What goes around, comes around, sweetheart!
And as for being comatose and sneaking past the wards unnoticed,
those are called plot holes. You can file your complaint with the author.
- Harry

Comment: But, Mr. Potter… are you sure you wouldn’t want to… join us?
- Severus


------------------------------------------------------

Looking for more? Here is an excerpt from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!


SIR NICOLAS DE MIMSY-PORPINGTON

POST: Greetings and welcome to Gryffindor!
My name is Sir Nicolas de Mimsy-Porpington.
I and the Resident Ghost of Gryffindor Tower.

Current Mood: Eloquent

Comment: I know who you are! You’re Nearly Dickless Nick!
My brothers have told me all about you!
- Ron


Reply: I’m sure they have!
- Nearly Dickless Nick

Comment: Nearly dickless. How could you be nearly dickless?
- Hermione


Reply: LIKE THIS!
- Nearly Dickless Nick [exposing his mangled family jewels]

Comment: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
- Seamus, Dean, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Lavendar, Parvati, Katie,
Angelina, Lee, Alicia, Fred, George, Percy, Wood, Andrew, Albus, Minerva


------------------

Author’s Note: Thank you for all of those fabulous reviews of Chapters 1-5. I hope you enjoyed reading Hermione’s LiveJournal as much as I enjoyed writing it.

There will be two more LiveJournals for the first Harry Potter book before I begin parodying the second book. The next Very Secret LiveJournal will be Harry’s, and the last will be a combo-platter for everyone who didn’t get their own LiveJournal thus far.

PLEASE REVIEW!.

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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