Chapter 2: The Midnight Rendezvous
Remus Lupin woke up from his pre-prowl nap, rubbed his beady amber eyes and glared up at the clear night sky. The moon was full… again. What the fuck? The moon had been full for the past three weeks! There had to be sorcery involved… and Remus vowed to get to the bottom of it and, of course, to eat the offending sorcerer alive.
Remus crawled out of his den in the Shrieking Shack and scampered stealthily up to the Hogwarts grounds. It was after midnight, and the grounds were haunted by an eerie silence. Someone was watching him. Suddenly, a silver bullet whizzed past his right ear. Then a silver stake skimmed past his tail. Fuck. Filch caught him again. The bastard must still be upset about the time Remus accidentally snacked on Mrs. Norris.
“You ate my cat!” Filch screamed into the darkness. “I’LL KILL YOU!!!!”
"Rolf yip growl!" Remus barked back.
[Translation - “But... I just wanted to eat some pussy! I thought she was Professor McGonagall!”]
"NOW I'LL REALLY KILL YOU!" Filch bellowed, flinging a silver pitchfork at the werewolf.
Remus dashed across the grounds, dodging silver bullets, forks, rakes, watches and candlestick holders before arriving at a cemetery, located conveniently in the back of the castle.
‘Where the hell did a graveyard come from?’ Remus wondered. A heavy fog enveloped the burial ground. Remus quickly hid behind a moss-covered tombstone so that Filch would not nail him with any more silver gadgets. Remus heard Filch’s voice fade into the distance. The werewolf whimpered with relief.
Suddenly, Remus felt something moving by his right front paw; the ground under the tombstone was giving way. He froze… what was going on? And then a manly fist reached out of the grave and grasped his paw. Remus bared his fangs and was about to attack when he froze, shocked to realize who was buried in this gravesite.
“Woof? Woof?” Remus barked, startled.
[Translation - “Padfoot? What're you doing here? I thought you were dead!”]
Sirius "Padfoot" Black crawled out of an unmarked grave, dusted himself off, and then began stroking the fur on the nape of Remus’ neck.
“I’m back,” Sirius replied devilishly.
Remus glared strangely at his best mate.
“Woof woofiewoof arf!” Remus barked again.
[Translation - “But… I saw you fall through the Veil! I saw you die! We couldn’t even recover your body from the Department of Mysteries! How the fuck did you get resurrected? And where did this graveyard come from?”]
“I’m back,” Sirius replied again, this time stroking Remus’ tail erotically.
The werewolf glared angrily into Sirius' fathomless grey eyes.
“Grrrr arf yip!” Remus stated indignantly.
[Translation - “I don’t fucking believe this! I’ve had a crush on you since we were schoolboys, and NOW you decide you want some tail?”]
“I’m back,” Sirius replied a third time, this time transforming into an enormous, jet black dog, mounting Remus, and preparing to impale him doggy-style with his siriusly long schlong.
Remus quivered with anticipation. He knew what was about to happen. He had fantasized about losing his virginity to Padfoot his entire life, and now, due to the deranged fantasy of a twisted author who has an unhealthy obsession with necrophilia, it would finally happen… Remus "Moony" Lupin would finally be deflowered by Animagus Black... as canines... in the graveyard. How romantic!
Remus held his breath, arched his back, and then instinctively whispered.
[Translation - “I... love you, Padfoot.”]
Remus turned his head and looked at a horrified Sirius Black, who quickly leapt off the werewolf, transformed back into his human form, and climbed back into his unmarked grave. As the ground above the grave sealed up, Remus thought he heard Padfoot hiss:
“Dammit Moony, you had to kill the mood!”
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