Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,

Seven Days - Chapter 2

Seven Days - Chapter 2

September 15, 1996. Monday.

Albus Dumbledore arrived at the infirmary at 7:00 AM, after receiving an emergency call from Madam Pomfrey about an attack on students in the Slytherin Dungeon. When he entered the infirmary, he immediately noticed Severus Snape examining the comatose body of Millicent Bulstrode. Millicent was staring blankly at the ceiling, foaming at the mouth; the lower half of her body was covered with gauze.

“Severus, what happened?” Albus gasped.

“How should I know, Headmaster,” Snape responded. “I’m merely the ignoble Potions Professor. Were I the savvy Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, then maybe I would be able to enlighten you as to any dark magic involved in this terrible attack…”

“Poppy,” Albus said, ignoring Snape, “have you determined the cause of this… incident?”

“Well… it’s difficult to explain, Headmaster,” Poppy replied, trying hard not to blush. “Millicent went into shock after… er... having nineteen simultaneous orgasms. You see, under all of that foam around her mouth… she’s actually smiling.”

“Nineteen orgasms?” Snape remarked skeptically. “I don’t see how that’s physically possible.”

“Well, with your shriveled equipment, how would you?” interjected a chuckling voice. Remus Lupin entered the room, wearing shabby clothing and looking like he hadn’t slept for two days. Snape glared daggers at him.

“Now, now, Remus,” Albus chided. “We need your expertise, not your wit.”

“You call that wit?!” Snape snapped, fuming.

There was a long silence as Remus examined Millicent’s comatose body. Her vacant stare and clownish smile was very disturbing, to say the least.

“This isn’t dark magic,” Remus stated. “But there is definitely some magic involved. Poppy, what was the estimated time of… Millicent’s incident?”

“10:00 PM,” Poppy replied.

“And what about the incident with the Zabini boy?”

Albus turned to see Blaise Zabini lying on a nearby hospital bed, bearing a vacant stare, clownish smile, foaming at the mouth. His arse was covered with thick gauze.

“10:00 PM,” Poppy replied.

“So you are suggesting,” Snape sputtered, “that whatever vagrant did this managed to shag both of them senseless at the exact same time? What does he have – two dicks? That theory is preposterous! The villain would have had to use a time turner or…”

“It is possible, Severus,” Albus interrupted. “The question is why these two particular students were attacked. Were there any more… casualties?”

Poppy nodded. “Pansy Parkinson… she found Millicent and went insane… with jealousy. We had to lock her up in the Astronomy Tower because anytime she sees a television, VCR or video tape, she breaks out a 14 inch dildo and starts masturbating vigorously while screaming, ‘CLIMB OUT OF THE TV AND FUCK ME!!! PLEASE!!!’”

“Well, do you think that her statements have any significance?” Albus asked.

“No, she’s just nuts,” Snape replied. “I’ve already contacted her father… but hopefully I will have a chance to watch her in action before he arrives to take her to St. Mungos…”

“SEVERUS!” Albus exclaimed, shocked.

Snape merely smirked deviously.


Draco Malfoy woke up with a splitting headache. While he loved being a Slytherin, the Dungeon didn’t have the thickest walls, and it was often possible to hear other people shagging. Generally, Draco would wear ear plugs to bed so that he didn’t expose his virginal ears to such a cacophonous ruckus. But last night it was “orgasm central” in the Dungeon. Between Pansy, Millicent and Blaise’s shrieking, how the fuck was anybody supposed to get a decent night’s sleep, even with earplugs?

Draco dragged himself out of bed and looked in the mirror. He was still bloody hot, and fortunately his perfect complexion would never show bags under his eyes. But boy, was he going to give his classmates a piece of his mind. Draco staggered into the Slytherin Common Room. It was quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. Unnaturally quiet. He walked up to a group of anonymous third year Slytherins (J.K. Rowling never bothered to give them names) who were whispering secretively.

“Umm… why the fuck is everyone so bloody quiet?” Draco growled, still groggy.

“Haven’t you heard about the attacks?” one anonymous third year replied.

“ATTACKS?!!!!!” Draco cried, instantly becoming alert. The anonymous Slytherin proceeded to tell Draco rumors about what had happened to Millicent, Blaise, and Pansy last night. Draco was furious.

“This is outrageous!” Draco shouted. “Potter must be behind it. I just know that bloody Gryffindor is trying to take us out… one by one!” Draco grabbed his wand and started waving it madly. A few third years leapt backwards in fear.

“Uh… I don’t think it was Potter,” replied a voice from behind him. Draco turned, disgusted.

“Crabbe, Goyle… it’s about time you two got here. Crabbe, I didn’t realize that you were suddenly a forensic evidence expert. Would you care to enlighten me on your oh so riveting theory.”

“Uhh… it was a video,” Crabbe sputtered. Goyle nodded dutifully.

“A video?” Draco sneered. “You are wasting my fucking time to tell me that it was a video… that a video simultaneously fucked both Millicent and Zabini? And what about Pansy? A video drove her insane? That’s absolutely preposterous. I know that Potter was involved. I can feel it! That unpalatable poof probably pounced on poor Zabini, and left innocent defenseless Bulstrode to get gangbanged by those bloody Weasleys. And I’m sure they all used Engorgement Charms and forced Pansy to watch! That’s enough to drive anyone mad!”

Crabbe and Goyle both nervously shook their heads.

“No?” Draco scoffed. “Oh. I’m sorry, I forgot… you still believe it was a video. Why not a blender? Merlin’s beard, that’s it - they got fucked by a bloody blender!”

“They watched the video,” the anonymous third year piped up.

Draco looked at him crossly. Another third year spoke. “Yeah, they both saw some weird video… and after that they got owls that said they would be deflowered in seven days. Blaise told me all about it. Apparently, they accidentally watched it last week in the Shrieking Shack.”

“And, let me guess,” Draco scoffed, “it took seven days until the video could get an erection? Do you actually expect ME to believe this crap?”

Draco couldn’t handle it anymore. These people are fucking idiots! He stormed out of the Common Room.


That evening, Draco crept out of Hogwarts and headed to the Shrieking Shack. The whole day, his mind kept reverting back to the video. What if there were a video? Then he needed to know about it, because obviously the bloody Gryffindors would have planted it there… in the Shrieking Shack… knowing full well that the Shack was the Slytherin love nest. But before he spoke to Snape, he had to gather evidence.

Draco arrived at the deserted Shrieking Shack. There were no VCRs or videotapes anywhere. This was a hoax! Fucking Crabbe was pulling his leg! Enraged, Draco picked up a broken bottle and chucked it at an old dusty bookshelf. One of the books moved, and the shelf turned around – revealing a muggle entertainment center.

Now Draco would never admit this in public, but he knew a lot about muggle electronics. After all, he had an extensive all leather, all gay XXX video collection hidden under the floorboards beneath his dorm room bed. He looked around the system suspiciously. There was an unmarked black videotape sitting on top of the VCR. Slowly, Draco popped the tape into the VCR.

At first it looked like nothing happened… but then Draco realized that he was watching recorded static. Before he could fast-forward, he saw an image of a mysterious arch…. and then an image of a hot redheaded teenager brushing her hair in an oval mirror… a small bug lands on the teen’s shoulder and she swats it away… and then a hot naked bloke with long black hair leaps on top of her and starts fucking her with his fourteen inch cock. Draco shuddered. That dick was enormous! The redhead screams with delight. Suddenly, an awkward-looking teenage guy enters the room and finds the couple together. Seconds later, he finds himself spread eagle on a table, being taken dry by the bloke with the long schlong.

‘How is that possible?’ Draco wondered. He’s shagging both of them at the same time.

Draco skeptically gazed back at the video. The mysterious stud pounds both teenagers simultaneously, bringing them both to orgasm multiple times. Suddenly, the long-haired bloke winks at Draco from the TV. The screen becomes recorded static. Draco was not amused. Whatever imbecilic muggle made this atrocious home porn video, he was definitely not going to wait for the sequel. He took the video out of the VCR and was about to leave when his owl, Hades, arrived with an anonymous letter. Draco froze… this had to be a joke. And yet… he was suddenly terrified. Trembling, Draco opened the letter.


End of Chapter 2

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Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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