September 17, 1996. Wednesday.
Draco Malfoy arrived at Professor Snape’s office early Wednesday morning to discuss the mysterious video. Snape had confiscated the original last night, and Draco was very curious whether the Professor could help him discern who the well-endowed mystery man really was.
“Good morning, Professor,” Draco stated, glancing around Snape’s dingy office.
“Sit down, Draco,” Snape replied, pointing to a chair stained with armadillo bile from an explosion last week.
“Umm… I’d rather stand, thanks,” Malfoy replied sheepishly.
Snape walked around his desk so that he was standing next to his prodigy and draped his arm casually around Draco’s shoulders.
“Very well… you should know that I watched your cherry-popping video last night.”
“Really?” Draco replied, interested. “Do you know who the people in the video are?”
Snape smirked. “Of course I know, Draco. Fifty points from Slytherin for doubting my incredibly perceptive abilities.”
“Fifty points?!” Draco shrieked.
“Well, the Headmaster instructed me to reduce the two hundred House Point award that I gave you last night for bringing Pansy porn movies, so I’ve decided to take the points away from you for really frivolous reasons.”
“But I didn’t bring Pansy porn movies, you did, Professor,” Draco argued.
“Another fifty points from Slytherin for being an insufferable tattletale.”
Draco groaned. “So who are the people in the video?” he asked, changing the subject.
Professor Snape smirked devilishly. “Well, I can answer that, for a price.”
“What?” Draco replied, concerned.
“Nothing comes for free, you know. I think it’s very reasonable that since you rudely interrupted my session with Parkinson, the least you could do is compensate me for my superior video viewing skills.”
“What… er… is your price?” Draco asked nervously.
“Your virginity,” Snape replied.
“What did you think I’d want, your money? Your delicate flower is a much greater prize.”
“But… that’s extortion!” Draco exclaimed.
“Another fifty points from Slytherin for knowing too many bloody legal terms.”
“But… I like my cherry… it’s my… precious,” Draco whined.
“Well, tell your little precious that you have five days to decide whether you’d rather be pillaged by the barbaric videoman… or the suave, sexy potions master.”
Draco swallowed hard. “But if I… uh… agree to let you… uh… pop the precious, are you sure you can stop the videoman from… uh… shagging me, too?”
“Well, of course not. You were a virgin when you watched it, so an intervening shag probably won’t spare you. But just think, by the time the videoman arrives you’ll be all stretched out and then maybe he won’t be as interested. And, even if he is still intends on banging you senseless, you could scream his name during intercourse because you’ll know who he is and… Hey… Draco. Where are you going? Come back!”
Draco stormed out of the castle and over to the lawn in front of the greenhouse. There was no way in hell he was forking over his precious to that greasy git, even if it meant offering his opus to the videoman. Heck, at least the videoman was well hung…
Draco needed a plan. He needed assistance deciphering the video, and all of his best Slytherin mates were either hospitalized or too stupid to help. Draco thought for a moment, and finally realized that the only person who might be able to assist him was the last person he’d ever ask… Potter. But maybe there was another way…
Draco’s eyes narrowed and his ears perked up when he heard faint giggling. He followed his keen auditory sense to the quidditch pitch, where he found Harry draped on top of Cho Chang. The two lovebirds were obviously having a damn good time making out, which infuriated Draco. He knew he needed to talk to Potter, and he wasn’t looking forward to dealing with his bitchy Ravenclaw cling-on. Draco reached down for his wand, but suddenly realized that he had been so disoriented that he had left it in the Dungeon.
Draco locked eyes with Cho from a distance. Cho gave Malfoy the slightest sneer, before impaling Harry in a passionate kiss. That bitch was gonna die! Draco headed over to the Slytherin quidditch locker room and grabbed his Nimbus 2001 and a can of mace. He hopped on his broom and flew directly above the passionate couple. Cho looked up in horror as Draco took out the mace and sprayed it all over her face.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Cho screeched. “My eyes! My eeeeeeeeeeeyes!”
“What the fuck are you doing, Malfoy?” Harry screamed.
Draco hopped off of his Nimbus 2001, lifted the broom up and whacked Harry over the head with it. Potter crashed to the ground unconscious. Draco smirked. He had seen this technique used in muggle cave man movies, and obviously it worked! Draco picked up Harry, threw him over the back of his broom, and began to fly off of the quidditch pitch.
“Stop this at once, Malfoy!” Cho screeched, still rubbing her eyes. “I can’t fucking believe you’re stealing my boyfriend and you sprayed pepper spray in my beautiful devastating pouty brown eyes, you… motherfucker!”
“Oh, shut it, bitch!” Draco replied.
Draco carried the unconscious Harry into the Slytherin Dungeon and then tied him to Draco’s bed. Harry awoke in a daze… squinted a bit… and then realized what had just happened.
“Let me go, Malfoy! What the fuck do you think you’re…”
“I know exactly what I’m doing, Potter,” Draco replied. “Were gonna watch a video… together.”
Draco grabbed a black videotape that had the words “copy” written over it and popped it into his VCR. Harry and Draco watched the mysterious video from start to finish. When the screen reverted to recorded static, Draco turned to Harry, waiting for an owl to arrive that informed Harry that he would be deflowered in seven days. Draco waited, but no owl came. Harry, however, was now ghost pale.
“Umm, Malfoy,” Harry asked, “what’s your price?”
“What?” Draco replied, confused.
“Don’t bullshit me, Malfoy. What’s your fucking price?” Harry scoffed.
“Why would I have a price, Potter?” Draco asked sarcastically.
“Because the redhead in your porn video is my Mum.”
End of Chapter 4