Given the overwhelming success of my first snarky top ten list, The Top Ten Things HP Fangirls Should Know Before They Write About Gay Sex, I have decided to create a prequel.
The Top Ten Things HP Fangirls Should Know Before They Write About The First Gay Kiss
10) Generally, thirty-five year old men have been kissed before.
9) The first gay kiss is not usually followed by the words “Let’s fuck!” (unless you’re a thirty-five-year-old virgin who hasn’t been kissed before, at which point it would be followed by the words, “Let’s fuck... NOW!”)
8) Gnawing off someone’s nipple is not erotic, and does not constitute the first gay kiss. Rimming doesn’t either.
7) The first gay kiss does not usually follow after the first gay blow job, and when it does, Harry wouldn’t shout, “Tastes great!”
6) It does not take one hundred adjectives, fifty verbs, twenty-five cliches, fifteen abuses of the word steamy, ten paragraphs and an excessive use of dental terminology to describe the first gay kiss.
5) Generally, men do not have flashbacks of their mother’s death during their first gay kiss.
4) The following terms should not be used to describe the first gay kiss: (i) penetrate the oral cavity, (ii) impaled by the slippery invader, (iii) steamy saliva, and (iv) KABOOM!
3) The first gay kiss doesn’t usually happen by accident, especially after comparing cock sizes at the Gryffindor urinal.
2) The first gay kiss precedes the first finger-bang by at least twenty four hours. Usually.
1) If Harry were to kiss Draco for the first time, it would NOT go something like this:
Harry climbed up off of his knees and swallowed.
“Taste’s great!” he exclaimed, impaling Draco with a hungry, penetrating stare. Draco minimized the distance between them and gently wiped the reminants of his love juice from the corners of Harry’s glistening mouth. Harry shuddered.
“Oh Draco, I’ve never kissed a bloke before,” Harry sheepishly said nervously.
“Neither have I, Potter,” Draco whispered seductively, grasping Potter’s hand and fondling it like the male genitalia.
The two inexperienced virgins inched closer, with each movement seeming like an eternity passing. Harry’s brilliant emerald orbs flickered as his juicy lips split open revealing a steamy oral cavity. Draco’s haunting silver eyes glimmered as his hand slowly slid down Harry’s back and his index finger began digging for oil in Harry’s secret tunnel.
“Oh Draco, that tickles… KISS ME YOU BLOODY FERRET! NOW!”
And then they kissed. KABOOM! Harry was suddenly revisited by haunting memories of his mother’s final scream as Draco’s slippery tongue invaded and penetrated Harry’s oral cavity and glided ever so gently along his gum line, resting momentarily on Harry’s anterior incisor before slobbering all over a solitary virgin tonsil. Harry shuddered, engulfed in a surge of emotion, in the hot, raunchy, juicy, swishy intoxication of Draco’s steamy saliva. For one moment, the two star-crossed arch enemies had finally become one.
“Harry,” Draco said suddenly, interrupting their electrifying and earth-shattering kiss.
ETA: A special thanks to daylyn for her hilarious contribution, and to the daily_snitch and quickquote for reccing this post.