Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,

Chapter 1

The Very Secret LiveJournals



Coauthored with Daylyn


SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy journal entries expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! Warning: contains excessive references to Harry’s eyes, Draco’s cherry, Wood’s panties, Vaseline, rope, cold showers, kinky leather goodies, and a virgin sacrifice for Uncle Voldie!


The Very Secret LiveJournals is RATED HARD R and includes every SHIP imaginable, including lots of SLASH.

This parody is not authorized by and is in no way affiliated with Cassandra “Cassie” Claire, her Lord of the Rings fan fiction series, The Very Secret Diaries, or her LiveJournals, Cassieclaire and Epicyclical. This parody is also not authorized by and is in no way affiliated with Liz Bardawill or her continuing saga of The Very Secret Diaries entitled Bardvahalla’s Very Secret Journals.

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.


The Very Slashy Oliver Wood

My Very Secret LiveJournal


Oliver Wood


POST 1: Started fifth year.
Captain of the Quidditch Team.
We royally suck!
Will kill self.
God, I’m hot!

Current Mood: Need Prozac

Comments: None

Reply: Nobody loves me.
- Wood


POST 2: Minerva pulled me from class.
Met Potter… THOSE EYES!
Okay, he’s only eleven.
But he’s supposed to be a natural on a broomstick!
Could teach him new moves…
Not those kind.

Current Mood: Heated

Comment: Wood, I need you to mentor Potter.
Take him under your wing.
Show him the ropes.
- Minerva

Comment: With his equipment, you could use twine.
- Malfoy


POST 3: Rope, twine, whatever.
Potter is a natural on his Nimbus 2000.
He would make a great beater.
And I have just the shaft for him to beat…

Current Mood: Horny

Comment: Wood, you’re sick! Sick! SICK!
- Hermione

Reply: Aren’t you supposed to be studying, or something?
- Wood


POST 4: She’s right. I must snap out of it.
I am not attracted to an eleven year old.
I am not attracted to an eleven year old.
No, really… I’m not.
I just like the way he… THOSE EYES!

Current Mood: Still horny

Comment: I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT to seduce him.
- Hermione

Reply: How about a three-way?
- Wood

Comment: Oh, shut it.
- Hermione


POST 5: It looks like all of my dreams have come true.
Will he mind if I call him Harry?
He’s my secret weapon.
What’s the legal age of consent?

Current Mood: Even hornier

Comment: It’s sixteen, you pervert!!!
I’m going to Professor Dumbledore as soon as I
finish my Transfiguration assignment…
and History of Magic… and Potions!
- Hermione

Reply: Just wait until I spam your LiveJournal.
- Wood


POST 6: I just need a good breeze under my kilt…

Current Mood: Left my panties at home

Comment: PANTIES?
- Ron
[blushing severely]

Reply: Hey, it’s better than Fred’s second-hand briefs.
- Wood

Comment: Wood, enough about your… undergarments.
Hermione dropped by my office, very concerned.
She’s a bit hypersensitive.
She almost cursed me when I ATTEMPTED.
- Dumbledore


POST 7: Quidditch practice went well.
Potter caught the snitch.
And all I caught was herpes.
Damn twins…
Or was it Minerva?
Where’s that fucking breeze?

Current Mood: Windy

Comment: It was the twins!
- Minerva

Comment: You fucked Professor McGonagall?!
- Fred and George

Reply: Hey, I’m not the ones committing twincest.
- Wood


POST 8: Continued Quidditch training.
Harry seems strangely attracted to me…
And Fred…
And George…
And Angelina…
And Katie…
And the bludger.
Can we all take turns?

Current Mood: Inquisitive

Comment: Hey, what about me?
- Ginny

Reply: You’re not in the story until book two.
- Wood

Comment: What?! I’m calling my agent!
I’m calling my fucking agent!
- Ginny


POST 9: Match against Slytherin tomorrow.
Gave rousing speech.
Moved everyone.
Some people even left for the loo…

Current Mood: Still not attracted to Potter

Comment: Great speech, Wood.
Good luck tomorrow.
D’you know where Poppy is?
Maybe I’ll get lucky, too…
- Madam Hooch


POST 10: I’m so pretty… oh so pretty…
Okay, back to the Quidditch match.
Must Keep! Damn, I’m good!
Whoa! Potter caught the Snitch.
He swallowed it.
He swallows?!!!

Current Mood: Naughty

Comment: He swallows?
- Filch

Comment: I thought he spit it out…
- Hagrid

Comment: Oh, he definitely swallows…
- Percy


POST 11: No more talk of swallowing.
Must train.
Harder! Harder!
Why does everything have to sound pornographic?
Must be ready for the next match.
Turns out Snape will be the referee.
Hate Snape…
Despite the fact that he’s deceptively alluring.

Current Mood: Need more Prozac

Comment: I’ll fill your bloody prescription!
- Hermione

Reply: Does anyone have any arsenic?
- Wood


POST 12: Match against Hufflepuff.
We won!
Fucked Potter.
Just kidding.
Hermione would curse me if I ATTEMPTED.
Shagged Snape instead…
Why d’you think we won?

Current Mood: Sore

Comment: And I always thought you were a top.
- Fred

Comment: Not anymore.
- Severus


POST 13: Harry is eleven years,
Six months,
Eighteen days,
Five hours,
Two minutes,
And fifty-four seconds old…
What’s the legal age of consent?

Current Mood: Conniving

Comment: I said it was sixteen!
- Hermione

Reply: Note to self – must have Minister change age of consent.
- Wood


POST 14: Harry was acting very secretive lately.
I thought Fred and George double-teamed him.
Turns out he’s just searching for some rock.

Current Mood: Inquisitive

Comment: Yeh know ‘bout the Sorcerer’s Stone?
- Hagrid

Reply: Well, now I do…
- Wood

Comment: Blimey, but yeh didn’t know that, if Harry finds
the Stone, all of the underage students at Hogwarts will sudd’nly
become sixteen-years-old so tha’ they can shag each other
sens’less w’thout the author bein’ flamed fer bein’
a twisted, sick degenerate fuck. Oops, I shouldn’ta said that.
- Hagrid

Reply: But he is a twisted, sick degenerate fuck!
He has me wearing panties! He has me bottoming for Snape!
He has me… CENSORED
- Wood

Author’s Note: Look, if can do it, so can I…


POST 15: Harry was hospitalized after finding the Sorcerer’s Stone
and saving the Wizarding World from the wrath of…
Wait a minute…
Holy fuck! We’re all sixteen!
That means…
Oh, Harry! Wanna play 'hide the sausage'?

Current Mood: Bouncy

Comment: I WILL curse you if you even ATTEMPT!
- Hermione

Reply: But he’s sixteen!
- Wood

Comment: He’s also comatose…
- Hermione

Reply: Can’t I even cop a feel?
- Wood


POST 16: We got slaughtered by Ravenclaw in Quidditch.
Potter missed the last match.
I failed all of my O.W.L.s.
Life sucks.
Will kill self.
God, I’m hot!

Current Mood: Must switch to Xanax

Comment: But I just got Poppy to fill your old prescription.
- Hermione

Reply: Honey, take two pills with a tall glass of water every morning.
You need Prozac more than I do…
- Wood


Looking for more? Here are excerpts from future postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!

Harry Potter

POST: Went to zoo.
Liberated snake.
Did not find snake attractive.
Really… I didn’t…

Current Mood: Relieved

Comments: None [Harry doesn’t have any friends, remember]

Reply: How did I get my own Very Secret LiveJournal, anyway?
I don’t own a computer,
and the LiveJournal technology hasn’t even been developed yet.
Must be magic…
- Harry

- Uncle Vernon

Reply: Oh, yeah… I forgot.
- Harry


Draco Malfoy

POST: Father wouldn’t let me wear leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Professor Snape.
Wore leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Dumbledore.
Got new leather wardrobe and matching racing broom.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Uncle Voldie.
Got the charge card.
Cherry update: still intact.

Current Mood: Manipulative

Comment: Cherry update?
- Crabbe

Comment: Uh, I think he means that a well oiled phallus hasn’t penetrated
the terminal orifice of his alimentary canal.
- Goyle

Comment: Huh?
- Crabbe

Comment: I mean… that he hasn’t lost his virginity.
- Goyle

Comment: Huh?
- Crabbe

Comment: Remember when I made you scream real loud?
- Goyle


Madam Hooch

POST: Hit on Poppy.
Hit on Minerva.
Hit on Sibyll.
Aren’t there any dykes in this Hellhole?

Current Mood: D’you have to ask

Comment: You didn’t hit on me.
- Rita Skeeter

Reply: [Shudders]
- Madam Hooch


Author’s Note: Hi all, this is a series that daylyn and I dreamed up on New Year’s Eve 2003. We were inspired by reading The Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire, and decided to write our own series as a parody of Harry Potter fanfiction and the Harry Potter books.

Please review!

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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