My Very Secret LiveJournal
POST 1: Father wouldn’t let me wear leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Professor Snape.
Wore leather to Diagon Alley.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Dumbledore.
Got new leather wardrobe and matching racing broom.
Threatened to tell Mum about his hanky panky with Uncle Voldie.
Got the charge card.
Cherry update: still intact.
Current Mood: Manipulative
Comment: Cherry update?
Comment: Uh, I think he means that a well oiled phallus hasn’t penetrated
the terminal orifice of his alimentary canal.
Comment: I mean… that he hasn’t lost his virginity.
Comment: Remember when I made you scream real loud?
POST 2: Met scrawny poof in Madam Malkin’s Robes for all Occasions.
Scrawny poof finds me strangely attractive.
I am extremely attractive!
I wonder if he likes to be tied up?
Note to self – must bind scrawny poof with kinky leather goodies.
Current Mood: Experimental
Comment: Umm, that’s actually a belt…
Not a “kinky leather goody.”
You’re supposed to… umm… wear it.
- Madam Malkin
Comment: What’s a kinky leather goody?
Comment: Uh, remember when Filch made you scream real loud?
POST 3: Met scrawny poof on the Hogwarts Express.
Merlin’s beard, it’s Harry Potter!
THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!
MY ONE TRUE WHIPPING BOY!
I must offer him my monogrammed leather paddle!
WHAT? He rejected MY paddle?!
He accused ME of being "the wrong sort"!
HE MUST BE DISCIPLINED!
Current Mood: Heated
Comment: STOP! STOP! Stop this at once! Put that paddle down!
I… I will curse you if you even ATTEMPT! OWWW!
POST 4: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Sorted into Slytherin.
Insulted Weasley again.
Got hit on by the Bloody Baron.
Did I just get hit on by a dirty ghost?
Current Mood: Appalled
Comment: I was hoping to help you with your cherry update.
And I’m not dirty… I’m bloody.
There’s a difference!
- Bloody Baron [miffed]
Comment: Can a House Ghost really pop a bloke’s cherry?
- Pansy [shrieking with laughter]
Comment: Why d’you think I’m called the Bloody Baron?
- Bloody Baron
POST 5: First potions class.
Snape insulted “our new celebrity.”
Snape offered me extra credit potions assignment.
Really love Snape.
Must meet Snape in dungeon at midnight
to test drive new extra credit potion.
Since when is Vaseline a potion?
Current Mood: Surprised
Comment: Vaseline is a potion because it makes the perfect magical base
for an internal exfoliating treatment. It prevents burning and
chafing and pays extra special attention to the rough spots.
- Professor Snape
Comment: And trust me, your assignment will be rough.
Comment: And if you develop spots, go see Poppy.
POST 6: Met Snape in dungeon for extra credit potions assignment.
Wore leather chastity belt, just in case.
Snape seemed rather annoyed at my leather undergarments.
Didn’t get extra credit.
Current Mood: Livid
Comment: Malfoy, if you’re too virginal to use the “extra credit” potion,
can I borrow it? I ran out of my personal stash.
Comment: You dirty whore, you’re cheating on me!
You’ve been here less than a week!
Comment: I am not! I use it for my daily… uh… massage.
And Goyle has strong hands.
Comment: I’m sure he does, you unfaithful bastard!
And to think I felt guilty about making Crabbe scream real loud!
Comment: You fucked Crabbe?! You prolific slut!
You’re not getting any tonight!
Reply: I really need to disable public comments on my LiveJournal.
POST 7: First flying lesson.
Stole his Remembrall.
Potter threatened to assault me if I didn’t “give it up.”
I didn’t know he was that kinky.
I should ask him out on a date.
Cherry update: will “give it up”
Current Mood: Hopeful
Comment:: Oh no, no, no…
I already pledged your virginity to Uncle Voldie as an initiation gift.
Think of yourself as a virgin sacrifice.
The Dark Lord loves ravaging fresh meat.
Why d'you think I got my Dark Mark?
POST 8: Challenged Potter to a Wizard’s Duel.
This was really a pretense for our first date.
Needed to trick filthy Mudblood into thinking it wasn’t a date.
Filthy Mudblood figured out secret plan.
Filthy Mudblood cursed me with body-bind jinx because I ATTEMPTED.
Hate filthy Mudblood.
Current Mood: Will someone say Finite Incantatum? Please!
Comment: But you stood me up! You blokes are all the same…
Reply: What’re you talking about? I’m tied to my fucking bed!
Reply: POTTER? GODDAMMIT! SOMEONE UNTIE ME!
I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THE FILTHY MUDBLOOD WAS SO KINKY!
POST 9: Quidditch match: Gryffindor vs. Slytherin
Potter hasn’t spoken to me since I “stood him up.”
Potter caught the snitch.
He swallowed it.
Current Mood: Surprised
Comment: Oh, he definitely swallows…
Reply: Now I’m really going to kill that filthy Mudblood!
POST 10: Went home for Christmas.
Potter still hasn’t spoken to me.
Damn, he holds grudges…
Father was acting kinda funny all break.
Fortunately I can outrun him.
Cherry update: still intact [Thank God!]
Current Mood: Relieved
Comment: Just wait until your initiation.
- Uncle Voldie
Comment: What’s initiation?
Comment: Remember when your dad made you scream real loud?
POST 11: Got Potter in trouble for harboring stupid dragon.
Had to spend detention with him in Forbidden Forest.
Hate Forbidden Forest.
Potter finally spoke to me.
Love Forbidden Forest.
Finally, we had our first date.
Current Mood: Enamored
Comment: You call that a date? You deserted me… again!
Why does everyone always have to abandon me?
Reply: But… we ran into Uncle Voldie!
I had to protect my… assets!
Comment: Uncle Voldie?
POST 12: Whoo hoo! I made it through the year and I’m still a virgin.
[inspects] Yep, cherry’s still intact.
Nobody will pop the precious.
It’s mine, Mine, MINE!
Author’s Note: [Suddenly, Harry finds the Sorcerer’s Stone and all of the
underage students at Hogwarts immediately become sixteen-years-old.]
POST 12 [cont.]: Holy fuck, how did I suddenly become sixteen?
Shit, I can’t still be a virgin!
[inspects again] Goddammit!
My father lost his virginity at fourteen!
People will start talking!
Are they already talking?
SOMEBODY FUCK ME! PLEASE!!!
Current Mood: Desperate
Reply: ANYBODY! I’M OPEN FOR BUSINESS!
Reply: Crabbe? Goyle?
Reply: Professor Snape?
Reply: Bloody Baron?
Reply: Uncle Voldie?
Looking for more? Here is an additional posting from The Very Secret LiveJournals!
POST: Am I a boy? Am I a girl?
Am I a boy? Am I a girl?
Christ, I don’t know whether I’m supposed to
get a French Manicure or a French Tickler!
Current Mood: Perplexed
Comment: Hey, I have no fucking clue what I am either.
D’you wanna… go out on Friday night?
Reply: You mean… [sniffle] you’d go out with… me?
[tearful sob] I’VE FELT SO EMPTY!
[gasp] NOW I HAVE MEANING IN MY LIFE!
[deep breath] TAKE MEEEEEEEE!
Comment: On second thought, I might have other plans…
Comment: Umm, I’m calling security…
Author note: For those who were wondering, Moon is a genderless character who was briefly mentioned during the Sorting Ceremony in Chapter 7 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer’s Stone.