Seven Days - Chapter 11
September 23, 1996. Tuesday.
Severus Snape lounged on top of his black satin duvet in his bedroom in the Slytherin Dungeon. He felt uncharacteristically giddy and nervous at the same time. His eyes swept across the candlelit room, resting first on a television, and then on his antique English dresser. Slowly, Severus rose from the bed and stepped softly over to the chest of drawers, ultimately resting his long thin fingers on a letter that was kept in pristine condition.
It read: “You will be deflowered in seven days!”
Suddenly, Severus heard footsteps outside of his room. He rubbed his greasy palms with anticipation as the bedroom door swung open, revealing Pansy Parkinson. Pansy was levitating a TV, VCR and a few x-rated videos. Severus’ face fell.
“Miss Parkinson, what the hell are you doing here? Can’t you see that I’m… occupied?”
“Professor, it’s time I returned these things to you,” Pansy said, marching into the room.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Severus lied. “But put those videos over on the dresser. They’re quite entertaining tapes… I mean… were I to have watched them I might have found them entertaining… er… but I would never watch such filthy trash… so I’ll just have to destroy them… after you leave, that is.”
“You must be mistaken, Professor,” Pansy stated.
“Excuse me, Miss Parkinson?” Severus replied, his voice low and dangerous.
“It is actually time for you to leave,” Pansy cooed, pointing her wand at Severus. “After all, he is coming. That’s why I brought you these videos. They are, as you said, entertaining.”
“One hundred points from Slytherin!” Severus cried.
Pansy snickered. “I’m sorry, dear Professor, but you can’t deduct House Points from Slytherin for my behavior. You’re the one that had me declared insane, remember? And insane students have immunity from punishment under the Hogwarts Bylaws.”
“You manipulative bitch!” Severus screeched.
Pansy aimed her wand at Severus' heart. “Why thank you, Professor. I learned from the best. Now get out… unless, of course, you want to watch.”
“Expelliarmus!” Professor Lupin cried, pointing his wand at Pansy as he sauntered into the room. Pansy’s wand flew out of her hand and Remus caught it.
“Give me back my wand, you fiend!” Pansy shrieked, lunging at Remus.
“I’ll give you a wand, bitch,” Severus cried. “PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!”
Pansy tumbled onto the floor. Severus picked her up and dragged her paralyzed body over to his walk-in closet. He slammed the door and then uttered fifteen locking charms and a silencing spell.
Suddenly, the television turned on and recorded static filled the screen. Severus turned to Remus, who watched with amusement.
“I didn’t realize you planned to kidnap her, Sevvy,” Remus smirked. “Dear me, does that make me an accomplice?”
“Wolfie, will you please leave?”
”But Severus, don’t you want to thank me? After all, I saaaaaaaaved you so that darling Padfoot can have you first…”
“Not in your life. You know, Sevvy, I offered to do it for you many times.”
“I SAID LEAVE!”
“But no, you had to wait for Sirius to be resurrected so that he can impale you with his signature fourteen inch chimichanga. It’s time to get over your childhood crush, Severus. Padfoot is dead. And yet you consistently thwart my advances, as if you were afraid that I’d impregnate you with werepuppies!”
Severus pointed his wand at Remus. “WOLFIE, I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!”
“All right, so I got a bit carried away. Be reasonable, Sevvy. Can’t you see how much it hurts to be rejected by…”
“I guess not.”
Remus slumped to the floor, unconscious. Severus dragged him over to the locked closet.
Suddenly, the recorded static on the television ended and an image of the magnificent arch appeared. Severus swallowed hard, before uttering fifteen unlocking charms and an antisilencing spell. He opened the closet door, tossed Remus in with Pansy and then locked it again.
When Severus turned towards the television, he saw an image of Sirius climbing up through the arch.
“Severus, I’m back from my meeting with the Minister. Would you mind if I dropped in for a quick chat?” Albus said, pushing open Severus’ bedroom door.
“I’M BUSY!” Severus screeched.
“Temper, temper, Severus. It will only take a moment,” Albus replied.
Suddenly, there was a loud banging sound emanating from inside the closet.
“Severus, what in the name of Merlin are you keeping in your…”
“Oh dear,” Albus replied, as Severus’ blast set his beard on fire and knocked him outside of the room.
“COLLOPORTUS!” Severus cried, as the door slammed shut and sealed itself. “And… er… SORRY!”
Suddenly, Severus felt a presence behind him. He turned towards the television. Sirius was still on the television screen, but now he was crawling towards Severus. Sirius’ hands suddenly reached out of the television and flopped down onto the bedroom floor.
Severus leapt backwards, tumbling onto his bed before he nervously composed himself. He quickly brushed his hand over his greasy hair to tidy it up for the occasion.
“Hello, Siri… I mean… er… nice to see you… again.”
Sirius crawled out of the television into Severus’ room. He stood up, exposing his finely sculpted youthful body and his enlarged fourteen inch dong. He strutted towards Severus purposefully. Severus leaned back until he was clutching the sides of his mattress. Sirius climbed on top of him.
Suddenly, the closet door swung open.
“PADFOOT!” Remus cried joyfully.
Pansy, still petrified, battered her eyelashes at Sirius, before giving him a 'release me from this spell and I'll gladly kick Snape out of his bed and let you shag me first' look.
“MOONY!” Sirius replied, ignoring Pansy's desperate plea. “What are you doing in the closet? Maybe I shouldn't ask...”
"Don't," Remus replied, dusting himself off with one of Severus' black robes. "So how's Prongs?"
"He's fine," Sirius replied.
"Ahem," Severus muttered.
"And Lily?" Remus added, ignoring Severus.
"She just got off her haunting duties. She's also doing quite well."
"Umm... excuse me," Severus muttered again. "Aren't we supposed to have sex?"
Sirius ignored him. "So how's your love life, Moony?"
"Oh, you know..."
Severus rolled his eyes and tried to shove Sirius off of him.
"Then there is someone?" Sirius said.
"EXCUSE ME," Severus barked. Sirius shoved his hand over Severus' mouth.
"Albus?" Sirius asked.
"Of course not!"
"MMMMMMM!" Severus whined, his voice stifled by Sirius' hand.
"Well, his name is..."
Severus ripped off Sirius' hand from his mouth and drew his wand. "COLLOPORTUS!" Severus cried. The closet door slammed shut.
Sirius glared at Severus. "Cranky, cranky, Snivellus. And I thought you invited Moony here to watch?"
"WHAT?" Severus gasped.
Sirius grabbed Severus' wand and uttered an unlocking spell. The closet door swung open again. Remus stepped out of the closet and closed the door, leaving the petrified Pansy inside.
"Oh no…" Severus moaned.
"What's wrong, Snivelly?" Sirius asked. "Don't you want Moony to see you fancy underpants?”
Severus froze as Sirius ripped off his trousers, exposing his brown silk undergarments. "I should have resurrected the older, more mature Sirius Black," he finally muttered to himself.
“What’s that, Sniv? You’re not ready to show us your pretty pink arse?”
Sirius ripped off Severus’ undergarments, exposing his bare assets.
“That’s not fair,” Severus whined. “You’re supposed to be romantic!”
“Romantic?” Sirius snickered. “You hear that, Moony, Snivellus wants me to be roooomaaaantic." Sirius' eyes flashed devilishly. "Brace yourself, Sniv, cause here comes a whole lot of romance!”
Harry and Draco were having a leisurely afternoon in the Slytherin Dungeon when they heard a commotion outside of the main Dungeon stairwell. Draco rose, intrigued, and walked to the doorway to take a look outside. He suddenly tensed up.
“I’ll be right back.”
Fifteen minutes later, Draco returned. He was ghost pale.
“Yeah? Where were you?”
“Umm… you have to see this.”
Harry walked over to the door and looked outside. Albus, Remus and Poppy had levitated Severus’ comatose body out of his bedroom, and were now floating the Potions Master past Draco’s dorm. Harry gasped. Severus was foaming at the mouth, and there was a large bandage over his freshly buggered arse.
“You mean…” Harry replied, stunned.
“It happened this morning.”
“But I thought...”
Draco shook his head. “He’s back.”
“But this doesn’t make sense, Draco. Why would my Godfather shag Snape?”
“Professor Snape borrowed the video from me seven days ago. He must have watched it.”
“But I thought the video only applies to virgins.”
“Then Professor Snape was a…”
“Virgin,” Draco added.
Harry giggled, but then paused midgiggle. “Of course. Now it all makes sense. Sirius told me that Snape had created the video and placed it in the Shrieking Shack. It must have all been part of Snape’s grand plan to get deflowered.”
“That’s ridiculous," Draco said. "If Snape wanted to be deflowered, he would have watched the video, not hid it in the Shrieking Shack so that some unsuspecting Slytherin virgin might watch it first.”
“But Draco, that’s exactly what Snape wanted. Do you think he would have watched the video without first testing it out on his own Slytherin guinea pigs?”
“DID YOU JUST CALL ME A SLYTHERIN GUINEA PIG?”
“Well, not just you…”
“You’re not getting any for a week!”
“Draco, stop whining. There are more important matters at stake. And I’m getting some tonight.”
“Fine. Then I guess I won’t worry about why Sirius hasn't plugged you… yet.”
“Nothing. I’ve gotta go. I have some holiday knitting to do.”
“COME BACK HERE!”
“But Draco, I’m not getting any, remember. So I have many more riveting things to do, like alphabetizing my potions cabinet.”
“You don’t have a potions cabinet.”
“I’ll build one…” Harry smirked devilishly at Draco. Draco sent him an icy glare.
“Harry, you don’t really think he’ll come after me, do you?” Draco asked, suddenly nervous.
“No. It's already been eight days…”
“But then, why did your Godfather deflower Snape and not me?”
“Well, you weren’t exactly a virgin on the seventh day,” Harry replied, smacking his lips.
“But neither was Blaise, and he still got pounded,” Draco replied, confused.
“Then I… don’t know,” Harry said.
Draco’s eyes darted around the room, finally resting on the black videotape. It was labeled “copy.” Draco’s eyes widened, horrified.
“Wait… I figured it out,” he continued. “I… made a copy… and I showed the original to Professor Snape.”
“Don’t you see, Harry? It’s a ring. A self-perpetuating circle. If everyone who watches the video has to copy it and show it to some other virgin in order to break the curse, then Sirius’ wrath will go on indefinitely. Oh my God, it’s a ring! A bloody ring! We’re all going to be deflowered by a homicidal maniac with a fourteen inch cock!”
“Um… Draco, while that is a riveting novel theory, this fic is not entitled “The Ring,” and there are no rings anywhere in it. The only relevant quasicircular object is the arch, and that has both a beginning and an end.”
“Oh… I never thought of that. So how do you think I broke the curse?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Harry replied, playfully. “You had sex with me.”
“And you said I was arrogant.”
“I’m being serious, Draco. My Godfather was obsessed with having sex. So the only reason that he’d forfeit an easy bang like you is if I got to you first.”
“Did you just refer to me as an easy bang?”
“Draco, don’t you see… my Godfather wanted to help me get lucky. That’s why he didn’t take you dry.”
“Harry, if you refer to me as easy one more time, you’re not getting any for a month!”
“That’s fine, Mr. Easy Bang, I’ll just have sex with all of the other virginal students who accidentally watch the video.”
“Well, how could I not help innocent virginal students in need? I'm the Poof Who Lived. The Pink Protector of the Wizarding World.”
“YOU WOULDN’T DARE!”
“Of course I wouldn’t… so long as you lift that one month ban.”
“It’s gone,” Draco grumbled.
There was an awkward silence.
“Umm Harry, do you really believe that Sirius spared me only because you shagged me first?”
“But does that really mean that every virgin who watches the video will have to shag you, too, in order to break the curse?”
“I’LL KILL THEM!”
“Draco, stop panicking.”
“I’M NOT PANICKING!”
“I’M NOT WORRIED!”
“Good. Because you’re my one true shag.”
“How flattering. But what about the video, Harry? What are we going to do about that damn video?”
“The video has done enough damage. There's only one way to ensure that no more innocent virginal Hogwarts students watch it. We'll have to destroy it.”
Harry drew his wand and pointed it at the black videotape. "Incendio!" he cried. Harry grinned triumphantly as the tape burst into flames.
“But Harry," Draco said. "What about the other copy?"
"The one that I gave to Professor Snape. I already looked for it in his bedroom and office. It’s gone.”
Author’s Note: Thank you all for the incredible support in writing this story. I am already planning the sequel, Seven More Days. If you would like Seven Days icons, click here.
I would also like to thank daylyn for her extensive contributions and support in writing this parody.
P.S. – If you would like to receive updates on the forthcoming sequel, please add me to your friends list.
P.P.S. – If you like my twisted Harry Potter slash parodies, check out my collected works.