Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,
Arrmaitee
arrmaitee

Chapter 3



The Very Slashy Madam Hooch




The Very Secret LiveJournals

of

Hogwarts' Faculty and Staff

1991-92



Madam Hooch


POST: Arrived at Hogwarts.
Attended faculty meeting.
Hit on Poppy.
Hit on Minerva.
Hit on Sibyll.
Aren’t there any dykes in this Hellhole?

Current Mood: D’you have to ask?

Comment: You didn’t hit on me.
- Rita Skeeter


Reply: [Shudders]
- Madam Hooch

------------------

Professor McGonagall

POST: Recruited Potter to be the new Gryffindor Seeker.
THOSE EYES!
Got hit on by Madam Hooch.
Slapped Madam Hooch.
Got hit on by Oliver Wood.
Gave Wood herpes.
I mean… it was the twins!

Current Mood: Conflicted

Comment: I knew it!
- Fred

Comment: Did not! I was the one that said that your
STD didn’t cause Wood’s condition.
- George

Comment: I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE!
- Fred

Comment: Then what do you call those warts on your arse?
- George

Comment: THOSE ARE SPEED BUMPS!
SPEED BUMPS!
- Fred


Reply: Note to self – never, ever, ever shag Fred.
- Minerva

------------------

Madam Hooch

POST: Invited Oliver Wood over for dinner.
The conversation was… riveting.
Wood’s brief discussion of Quidditch ethics
became a three hour exegesis.
When I regained consciousness, Wood was gone.
So were my panties.
GODDAMMIT WOOD!

Current Mood: Furious

Comment: Hey, don’t look at me! I’m not the twisted fuck
writing this crap! I just wanted to… CENSORED.
- Wood


Author’s Note: Ignore him. He’s a bipolar paranoid borderline schizophrenic
whose been skipping his meds…


Comment: I have not been skipping my meds! I ran out!
And I still can’t believe you made me… CENSORED.
- Wood


------------------

Professor Flitwick

POST: Invited Pomona Sprout over for saucy lovefest.
Couldn’t get it up.
Pomona’s herbal remedies didn’t work.
Afraid to ask Severus for magic potion.
Maybe I should use a charm.
What was it…?
Wingardium Erectosa?

Current Mood: Frustrated

Comment: Isn’t it WIN-gar-dee-um ERECT-oh-sa?
- Ron
[waving his wand like a madman]

Comment: No, no, no! You’re going to poke someone’s eye out!
And you’re saying it WRONG!
It’s win-GAAAAR-dee-um Er-ec-TOOOOH-sa.
Make the GAR nice and long.
- Hermione

Comment: You do it, then, if you’re so clever.
- Ron

Comment: WinGARdium ErectOsa.
- Hermione
[demonstrating proper wand technique]

Reply: Oh, well done! Everyone see here, Miss Granger’s done it.
- Professor Flitwick [admiring his augmented crotch]

Comment: I know… I need a cold shower.
- Ron
[covering his boner and blushing severely]

Comment: Me too. D’you wanna take one… together?
- Harry


------------------

Professor Quirrell

POST: Troll in the dungeon!
Troll in the dungeon!
[grabbing his newly buggered arse]
Thought you ought to know!

Current Mood: Fainted

Comment: Isn’t the troll supposed to be well endowed?
- Percy

Comment: I hear it carries a big stick.
- Pansy

Comment: I went looking for the troll…
I thought I could handle it.
- Hermione

Comment: I find the troll strangely attractive.
- Harry

Comment: D’you think the troll is wearing panties?
- Wood

Comment: That’s disgusting!
Can somebody unstrap my leather chastity belt?
- Malfoy

Comment: I’d be happy to… unstrap it.
- Professor Snape

Comment: I am soooo going to the dungeon!
- Fred

Comment: You dirty whore, the troll is mine!
- George

Comment: Do you think I can help the troll with its cherry update?
- Bloody Baron

Comment: Yeh’re too late. I “updated” the troll when we had a fling last year.
- Hagrid

Comment: Did the troll scream real loud?
- Crabbe


------------------

Albus Dumbledore

POST: Harry discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised.
The Mirror shows us our most desperate and deepest desire.
Harry looked into the Mirror and saw Hermione bound and gagged,
so that someone could finally ATTEMPT.
Ron looked into the mirror and saw himself binding and gagging Hermione.
I looked into the mirror and saw myself ATTEMPTING
while Ron was busy binding and gagging Hermione with new woolen socks.

Current Mood: Pleased

Comment: YOU’RE SICK! YOU’RE ALL SICK!
The only person who can tie me up is Snape!
And he wouldn’t LOWER HIMSELF to use socks!
- Hermione

Comment: WHAT?!
- Harry and Ron

Comment: Well, you’re not the only students that looked into the Mirror.
- Hermione


Reply: That’s it… I’m moving the Mirror tomorrow.
- Albus

------------------

Rubeus Hagrid

POST: Won dragon’s egg from stranger in pub.
The egg hatched… Norbert emerged.
Here Norbert, Norbert, Norbert…
Do yeh wanna play with yer Mommy?
Mommy doesn’ bite…
OWWWW!
No, I wasn’t cheatin’ on yeh…
I jus’ wanted ta heavy pet Fluffy!
OWWWW!

Current Mood: Burnt

Comment: What kinda twisted poof wants me to call him Mommy?
I think I’ll burn down his hut.
- Norbert


------------------

Madam Hooch

POST: Haven’t been laid in six months.
Straddled random broomstick out of desperation.
It was Harry’s Nimbus 2000.
Well somebody had to test its aerodynamic capabilities.
Hope he won’t notice…

Current Mood: Sore

Comment: I got stuck to my broomstick during Quidditch training.
I wonder why?
- Harry


Reply: Umm… humidity?
- Madam Hooch

Comment: In Scotland? In winter?
- Fred and George


------------------

Argus Filch

POST: Crabbe got detention for making excessive noise after curfew.
Dragged his arse into my office.
Hung him up by his wrists from the ceiling.
Broke out my well oiled chains.
Broke out my whip.
Broke out my kinky leather goodies.
Made the little bitch call me Master Filch.
Made him scream REAL LOUD!

Current Mood: Aroused

Comment: That’s outrageous!!!
What kinda pervert uses bondage in detention?
- Hermione

Comment: What kinda pervert names his cat Mrs. Norris?
- Ron


------------------

Professor McGonagall

POST: Transfigured self into cat.
Shagged Mrs. Norris.
Transfigured self into ghost.
Shagged Professor Binns.
Transfigured self into Deputy Headmistress.
Shagged the Headmaster.
And the Ministry wonders why I haven’t had time
to grade my N.E.W.T.s.

Current Mood: Chafed

Comment: Can’t you transfigure yourself into a lesbian?
- Madam Hooch

Comment: I’m a lesbian.
- Professor Grubbly-Plank

Comment: You’re not in the story until book four.
- Madam Hooch

Comment: But… but I have a six inch tongue!
- Professor Grubbly-Plank

Comment:
[shudders]
- Madam Hooch

------------------

Madam Hooch

POST: Broke into Severus’ office.
Stole Polyjuice.
Broke into Albus’ office.
Stole random strand of hair conveniently lying around.
Broke into Minerva’s office.
Fucked Minerva.
I love Polyjuice!

------------------

Looking for more? Here are additional postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!


Neville Longbottom

POST: Walked to first flying lesson.
Found very interesting weed hidden in bushes.
Found very interesting bong conveniently lying next to weed.
Smoked very interesting weed in bong.
[cough] Arrived at flying lesson.
[cough] Climbed on broomstick.
I’M FLYYYYING!
OHHHHHHH FUCK!

Current Mood: Das some good shit

Comment: Longbottom! Get down here this instant!
You have fall and break your wrist so that I can take you
to the infirmary and hit on Poppy.
- Madam Hooch


Reply: [cough] BUT I’M FLYYYYYYYYYING!
OWWW… MY WRIST!
- Neville

------------------

Lord Voldemort

POST: Met Professor Quirrell in Albania.
Kinky bastard wanted me to give him head.
I did.

------------------

Please review!

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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