Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,

New fic

How To Shag Without Thinking A Happy Thought




This parody is RATED HARD R and includes Harry/Draco SLASH!

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.


Prologue: The Second War is over. Lord Voldemort has won. Harry and Draco are in the same cell in Azkaban awaiting their execution. How convenient…


"Potter," Draco whispered. The raven haired bloke in the bunk bed above him stirred momentarily, then fell back asleep.

"Potter," Draco insisted, this time kicking the top bunk with his foot for effect.

"Hmm…?" Harry replied groggily. "What d'you want? It's…” Harry glanced at the clock on their cell wall. “…3:00 o'clock in the morning."

"I have a plan to get us out of here," Draco said, climbing up to the top bunk.

"Right. As if I would trust another one of your plans," Harry yawned.


"Shhh… you don't want to rouse the Dementors, Malfoy."

Harry and Draco's eyes scanned the darkness. There were three Dementors guarding their cell. One stirred momentarily after Draco shouted.

"You have some nerve questioning my ability to formulate a brilliant plan, Potter."

"Malfoy, we lost the Second War and our friends all died because of your brilliant plan to attack the Death Eaters with kitchen appliances."

"So I goofed. I'm a Malfoy. I'm entitled to one minor miscalculation."



Another Dementor immediately turned and then floated over toward the two boys.

"Think unhappy thoughts," Draco muttered under his breath. "Think unhappy…"

"That shouldn't be too difficult with you as my cell mate, Malfoy," Harry growled back.

The Dementor hovered before Draco, its claw-like hands ghosting over the young blonde’s face.

"Suck out his soul," Harry whispered.

Draco jabbed Harry in the ribs. The Dementor turned and floated away.

"You're such a prick, Potter," Draco whined.

"Umm… pot… kettle," Harry retorted.

"They're gonna kill us, you know," Draco whispered petulantly.

"I'm surprised I didn't die of embarrassment when I tried to attack Voldemort with a toaster."

"Potter, as a self-respecting Malfoy, I admitted once that I miscalculated. Don’t ever ask me to do it again. Now, would you like to hear my latest brilliant plan to get us out of here, or would you rather wait until sunrise so we can be executed Death Eater style?"

"Hmm… Wake me in the morning."



"Will you listen to me?"

"Are you going to pester me all night until I concede?"


"Okay Malfoy,” Harry sighed. “Tell me your riveting plan."

"We have to fuck."

"Goodnight, Malfoy."

"No, seriously, it's a brilliant plan, Potter."

"So is sleeping. And it’s likely to be as effective."

"Potter, listen to me. We need to shag right away. If you and I do the nasty, my wandless magic levels will increase exponentially due to the heightened sexual energy. I can then channel that power to Accio our wands and then we can break out of here."

"Malfoy, I think I'd rather attack Voldemort with a potholder than have sex with you."

"Didn’t you try that already?"


"Harry, please, we have to shag immediately. It's the only way I can save our lives!"

"Draco, that was the second worst pick-up I’ve ever heard in my entire life."

Draco frowned. "What's the worst?"

"I don't want to die a virgin."



"I don't want to die a virgin."

"Oh dear God," Harry lamented, banging his head against the stone wall.

Another Dementor stirred. Harry and Draco froze momentarily.

"Think unhappy thoughts," Draco whispered nervously.

"Draco, that isn't exactly a difficult task at the moment."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"So d'you want to get this over with or not?" Draco asked.

"Get what over with?"

"The sex part."

"Malfoy, I have other things on my mind than getting your jollies off before we're both killed."

"But Potter, my plan is brilliant. My incredible wandless magic capabilities could save our lives."

"Really. Well, if your wandless magic is that 'incredible,' certainly you could Accio my pillow from the end of this bed."

"Of course." Draco held out his palm towards the pillow. "ACCIO PILLOW!"

The pillow didn't budge, but all three Dementors turned towards the two blokes.

"Now you've done it," Harry muttered.

"But you told me to… oh bugger, I feel like I've never had a happy thought in my entire life."

"You’re not the only one."

The Dementors turned and went back to their posts.


"You're still here?"

"Oh, shut it. It's almost four A.M. If we want to bonk, we'd better get started."

"Draco, given your clearly inadequate wandless magic capabilities, I sincerely doubt that anything would enhance your wandless magic skills enough to enable us to escape."

"Well, d'you have any better ideas?" Draco whined.

"Accio pillow," Harry replied.

The pillow floated over to Harry's outstretched hand.

"How did you do that?" Draco demanded.

"Wandless magic," Harry replied smugly.

Draco stared at Harry, dumbfounded. “Then why don’t you Accio our wands so we can get out of here?”

“It’s too great a distance through too many wards, Draco. My wandless magic levels have to be increased so that I can Accio our wands across the ward-protected prison.”

"But you said my brilliant plan wouldn’t work," Draco pouted.

"No, I said that your cockamamie scheme wouldn't enhance your wandless magic skills because you don't have any to begin with, Malfoy. I, on the other hand…"

"So, er… Harry. After you finish gloating, you bastard, is there any chance I can interest you in a magical energy boost?"

"Only if you can answer one simple question."

"Go on," Draco cooed.

"How are we supposed to shag without thinking a happy thought?"

End of Chapter 1


Author's Note: After a long hiatus, I'm back...

Please review!

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P.P.S. – If you like my twisted Harry Potter slash parodies, check out my collected works.
Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash
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