My Very Secret LiveJournal
POST 1: First day of school.
Mum said I had to get ready or I’d miss the train.
Packed Bill’s old robe,
Charlie’s old wand,
Percy’s old rat,
Fred’s old briefs…
Er… those need to be washed!
Does anyone have any detergent?
Current Mood: Grossed out
Comment: Detergent? How could you?
Those johns are a family heirloom.
I christened them myself!
Reply: Does anyone have any bleach?
Comment: Bleach? How could you?
Those johns are a family heirloom!
They bear the Weasley Family Crust!
Reply: Does anyone have a blowtorch?
POST 2: Arrived at Hogwarts Express.
Met scrawny poof with wicked scar.
Bloody Hell, it’s Harry Potter!
And I think he finds me strangely attractive.
He even bought me chocolate frogs,
a pack of Drooble’s Best Blow Gum and
a bag of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans.
Current Mood: Enamored
Comment: [biting into creamy white bean]
Umm… did you say these beans were EVERY flavor?
Reply: Yeah, which flavor did you get?
Comment: Percy’s Manjuice.
Reply: Percy’s Manjuice? That's disgusting!
Comment: Well it doesn't taste THAT bad.
Kinda salty. But you get used to it.
Reply: Harry, that's really gross!
Wait a minute... How would YOU know what Percy's Manjuice tastes like?
Comment: Oh… er… lucky guess?
- Harry [blushing]
POST 3: Decided to impress the cocksucker with magic spell.
Maybe I’ll turn Scabbers into a gerbil.
Then Harry could put this stupid fat rat to some use.
Ahem… [waving magic wand]
Soothing gel, remedy herbal,
Turn this rat into a gerbil!
Current Mood: Nothing happened
Comment: Are you sure that’s a real spell?
Well, it’s not very good, is it?
Comment: Thank God it isn’t, you stupid Mudblood bitch!
That’s disgusting! I will not go where no rat has gone before!
What do I look like, Captain Kirk?
Where the fuck is Lord Voldemort?
POST 4: Harry was sorted into Gryffindor.
George suggested that we initiate the poor scrawny poof.
Fred started a waiting list for the First Official Harry Potter Gangbang.
56 people signed up.
I was number 56.
Bloody hell! First I get Fred’s second hand briefs,
then I get his sloppy fifty-sixths!
Why do I always get hand-me-downs?
Current Mood: Frustrated
Comment: What? That’s outrageous!
I’ll curse you all if you even ATTEMPT!
That’s it! I’m jinxing the list!
I’m jinxing the bloody list!
Comment: Are you sure you don’t want to sign up?
- Fred and George
Comment: Oh, shut it!
POST 5: Flitwick had erectile dysfunction.
Hermione cast Wingardium Erectosa.
The spell misfired.
Harry and I got matching stiffies.
I needed a cold shower.
Harry wanted us to take a cold shower… together.
Took cold shower… together.
Harry wanted to stick the head… in.
Current Mood: That bloody hurt!
Comment: [Storming into the boy’s shower and
catching the blokes in the act]
Oh, for heaven’s sake!
Stop! Stop this at once!
Ron, how could you?
Harry, take that thing outta there!
Reply: Hermione, what the hell are you doing here?
We’re naked! This is the boy’s shower!
[turning to Harry]
No wonder she doesn’t have any friends…
POST 6: Went to the Quidditch match against Slytherin.
Harry really knows how to ride his broomstick.
Snape really knows how to jinx Harry’s broomstick.
Hermione really knows how to set Snape on fire.
Snape really knows how to tie Hermione up.
I really know how to tie Hermione up.
Harry really knows…
Current Mood: Distracted
Comment: Ron, pay attention to the game.
Harry just caught the snitch.
He… erm… swallowed it.
Reply: He swallows?
Comment: Oh, he definitely swallows.
Comment: I resent that. I spit it out.
Well, most of it…
POST 7: Decided to teach the Deep Throat how to play Locker Room Chess.
This is exactly like Muggle Chess except:
a) The figures are alive
b) They wear nothing but a bath towel
c) “The Queen” is a poof in drag
d) The object of the game is have your chess pieces
shag their way across the board and deflower
your opponent’s King (who looks remarkably like Elvis)
Harry, it’s your move!
Current Mood: Excited
Comment: Move me! Move me! I want to shag some of those
delicious virginal young pawns.
- The Bishop
Comment: Oh no, darling, move me.
I spot a bashful young knight that needs to be plucked.
- The Queen
Comment: That’s totally barbaric!
Comment: Oh no, Miss Thing! You did not just call MY royal ass barbaric!
Look at you! You call that a hairstyle?
Honey, have you ever thought of shampooing with weed repellant?
Mmm hmm… and look at those chunky thighs.
Girlfriend, they have creams for THAT problem!
- The Queen
Comment: RON, I – AM – GOING – TO – MURDER – YOU – FOR – THIS!
I am being insulted by a bloody chess piece!
And look at it… the “Queen” can’t even keep her falsies
from popping out from behind her towel.
That’s indecent! There are pawns on that chessboard!
Comment: [adjusting her towel to remedy the indecent exposure]
I deeply apologize if my breast baring corrupted any innocent pawns.
It was a wardrobe malfunction…
- The Queen
Comment: Now which one of you innocent pawns am I going to fuck?
- The Bishop
POST 8: Hermione left for the holidays.
Harry and I were finally alone.
Harry wanted to play “Pop Goes The Weasel.”
This time, I was prepared!
Slicked my delicate flower with:
- Preparation H
- Barbecue sauce
- Baby oil
Come and get it!
Current Mood: Lubed and primed
Comment: Umm… nevermind.
POST 9: Went on a secret quest to find the Sorcerer’s Stone.
Hagrid told us that the Stone has something to do with Nicolas Flamel.
Who the fuck is Nicolas Flamel?
We’ve looked everywhere in the library,
but we just can’t seem to find any information on him.
Hermione suggested that we look in the Restricted Section.
The Restricted Section?
Current Mood: Nervous
Comment: I love the Restricted Section!
Comment: I’m sure you do, you dirty whore!
No wonder my Vaseline is missing!
Comment: I don’t know what you’re talking about!
I never saw the empty canister of Vaseline
that I accidentally left on the fourth shelf from the right.
And Crabbe had nothing to do with it…
Comment: You prolific slut! I knew you were having some Crabbe-meat!
And you didn’t even invite me!
Reply: Do we really have to look in the Restricted Section?
POST 10: Went to the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff.
Wore favorite jumper. Brought pom-poms.
Sat in front of Malfoy. Malfoy poked me.
I told him I was saving myself for Harry.
He told me he was saving himself for Harry.
I bitchslapped that albino fairy!
He pulled my hair! I leapt on top of him!
Current Mood: Pointed
Comment: Get the fuck off of me, you indigent pervert!
Reply: My arse is worth twelve of yours, Malfoy!
Comment: You should know, Weasley…
You have to sell it to pay for your tuition!
Reply: [ripping off Malfoy’s leather chastity belt]
It’s time I gave this little bitch a cherry update!
POST 11: Neville stopped me from deflowering Malfoy.
Hermione hexed Neville with Petrificus Totalus.
Followed Harry and Hermione to the third floor
to stop Snape from stealing the Sorcerer’s Stone.
The trap-door was guarded by Fluffy.
Fluffy only falls asleep to music.
Fortunately, Harry brought Hagrid’s flute.
Harry put the flute to his lips and blew.
Current Mood: Fluffy fell asleep
Comment: Great work, Harry! Where did you learn to blow like that?
Comment: No comment…
- Harry [blushing]
POST 12: Entered chamber with giant chessboard.
Bloody hell, we need to shag our way across the room.
I became a Knight.
Hermione became a Rook.
Harry became the Queen…
Well that wasn’t exactly a stretch.
Let the game begin!
Current Mood: We’re winning
Comment: Ron, what’re you doing?
Put your second hand jock-strap back on!
The enemy Bishop is approaching!
Reply: I’ve got to be taken, Hermione.
It’s the only way Harry can checkmate the King.
Comment: No Ron! You can’t do it!
You promised your semi-virgin arse to me!
Reply: I’m sorry, mate.
I will make the ultimate sacrifice.
You must go on without me.
You must save the Sorcerer’s Stone.
POST 13: Harry saved the Sorcerer’s Stone.
Hermione saved my semi-virgin arse.
She hexed the bloody bishop before he could pillage my prostate.
So now I’m sixteen years old, and I still haven’t fully been plugged.
BUGGER! Well, maybe next year…
Current Mood: Hopeful
Comment: Definitely next year.
Comment: Absolutely not! I will curse you if you ATTEMPT!
Reply: Does anyone have any rope?
Looking for more? Here are additional postings of The Very Secret LiveJournals!
POST: I am not a Size Queen.
Length and girth are irrelevant.
Size doesn’t matter.
It’s the technique that counts.
Bottomed for Marcus Flint.
You call THAT a penis?
Current Mood: Astonished
Comment: I thought size didn’t matter!
Reply: It doesn’t…
So long as you have a big dick!
POST: Had a huge blowout with agent over being excluded from Book 1.
I was promised a lead, and all I got were two bloody lines.
“Nine and three-quarters… Mommy, can’t I go…”
“Oh, Mom, can I go on the train and see him, Mom, oh please…”
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
WHO WROTE THIS APPALLING DIALOGUE, ANYWAY?
Current Mood: Fuming
Comment: I DID, YOU PRIMA DONNA BITCH!
- J.K. Rowling
Reply: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!
I’M THE CELEBRITY, GODDAMMIT!
Comment: AND I’M THE BILLIONAIRE AUTHOR, SWEETHEART!
YOU’LL DO WHAT I TELL YOU, AND YOU BETTER LIKE IT!
- J.K. Rowling
Reply: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?
I BLEW CHRIS COLUMBUS FOR THIS PART!
Comment: AND YOU’LL BE BLOWING VOLDEMORT
BY THE TIME I’M DONE WITH YOU!
NOW READ YOUR FUCKING LINES!
- J.K. Rowling
Author’s Note: One reviewer read Post 5 (the “cold shower” scene) and wanted to know which “head” Harry stuck in his best mate. Well, umm, it wasn’t the shower head, and it wasn’t the head with the lightening bolt scar… so… umm… I hope that helps!