Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,


The Very Secret Instant Messages


Arrmaitee and Daylyn


SLASH! PARODY! These raunchy instant messages expose the burning, secret thoughts and desires of Hogwarts’ sex-crazed students and staff! This series is a spin-off from our most popular Harry Potter parody, The Very Secret LiveJournals.


The Very Secret Instant Messages is RATED R and includes every SHIP imaginable, including lots of SLASH!

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.


Hogwarts Instant Messaging Usernames:

Name - Username

Remus: BigBadWolf
Severus: SlytherinSexGod
Voldemort: Die!Potter!Die!
Harry: StillAliveAsshole
Draco: NeverBeenFucked
Ron: SloppySecond
Hermione: BushyButBrilliant
Neville: SmokeAndFly
Albus: DirtyOldMan
Minerva: StrokeTheKitty
Flitwick: SizeDoesntMatter
Lucius: SugarDaddy
Sirius: DeadAndLovingIt
Fred: DoubleYourPleasure
George: DoubleYourFun
Ginny: EasyRider
Mystery lover: DesignatedFuck


Tuesday 11:44 AM:


SlytherinSexGod: Yes, my love.

BigBadWolf: I have a confession to make. I’m having an affair.

SlytherinSexGod: WHAT?

BigBadWolf: Now don't take this the wrong way…

SlytherinSexGod: THE WRONG WAY? And what, exactly, is the right way, my Remmiemuffin?

BigBadWolf: Well, you could be understanding and supportive. After all, it's all your fault.

SlytherinSexGod: Now don't take THIS the wrong way, Remmiepoo. But I AM a Death Eater and know twenty untraceable poisons. How exactly, did you say, is this all my fault?

BigBadWolf: Er… April Fools! I was just kidding, Severus, my little muncheche. Just… er… crap, it's already the middle of July.

SlytherinSexGod: I'm still waiting, Remus, my love.

BigBadWolf: Er… did I say fault? What I MEANT was…

SlytherinSexGod: Enough of your pathetic excuses, furball. Fess up!

BigBadWolf: Fine. You've neglected me, dearest. I felt SO ALONE that I…

SlytherinSexGod: NEGLECTED? Far from it, loviepoo. Clearly, I've been much too accommodating. Shall I tell the world how I was forced to endure your cage and handcuffs on our honeymoon?

BigBadWolf: Cage? Handcuffs? All right, name your price, Severus, sweetie, lovemuffin of my life.

SlytherinSexGod: I demand to know the identity of your paramour, Remmiekins. Furthermore, since you're soooo neglected, I demand to inflict upon you the delights inherent in the above mentioned cage and handcuffs when it's NOT your time of the month.

BigBadWolf: Forget it. Go ahead… expose my fetishes to the Wizarding World. But bear in mind that I will tell Rita Skeeter about your secret lingerie collection.

SlytherinSexGod: I don't have a lingerie collection, sugarplum.

BigBadWolf: No, sweetiepie? Then what do you call those black satin panties that you prance around in when you think I'm asleep? Boxers?

SlytherinSexGod: Oh, light of my life, NOW you've gone too far. I shall be forced to exact my revenge – Death Eater style.


Tuesday 11:54 AM:

BETRAYED! Betrayed by my true love. My one true pairing. The shining star of my life! My…

Die!Potter!Die!: Severus, you're making me nauseous.

SlytherinSexGod: But my Remmiemuffin is having an affair! Whatever shall I do?

Die!Potter!Die!: Kill him.

SlytherinSexGod: Really?


Tuesday 11:56 AM


BigBadWolf: Yes.

SlytherinSexGod: Drink from this goblet and all is forgiven.

BigBadWolf: But Sevvy, I've been unfaithful.

SlytherinSexGod: It's all right, sweetiepie. Now drink up.

BigBadWolf: But sugarplum, I cheated on you even before we eloped. How could you forgive me so quickly?

SlytherinSexGod: Oh happy dagger, that inadvertently impales my one true love. I mean… drink up, lovie!

BigBadWolf: Er… you're not trying to poison me, are you?

SlytherinSexGod: Why ever would you think that, dearest? You just look parched.

BigBadWolf: No, not really.

SlytherinSexGod: Well drink up anyway, sweetheart. Don't you want my forgiveness?

BigBadWolf: I'm not thirsty.

SlytherinSexGod: Fine. Be difficult, honeybun. AVADA KEDAVRA!

BigBadWolf: Um… Sevvie dearest, nice try. But we're not even in the same room. I'm in my office in Gryffindor Tower and you're still in the Dungeon.

SlytherinSexGod: Drat.


Tuesday 1:30 PM

I must know who has been nibbling on my lovemuffin. How could he do this to me, Headmaster?

DirtyOldMan: Severus, forget about Remus. You need to unwind. Come with me to the Gryffindor locker room so that we can watch the boys shower from my super secret unplottable peephole.


DirtyOldMan: Severus?


Tuesday 9:17 PM

Does he know who I am?

BigBadWolf: Not yet.

DesignatedFuck: NOT YET? But you promised…

BigBadWolf: Stop whimpering.

DesignatedFuck: Whimpering? He tried to murder you this afternoon.

BigBadWolf: That’s different. That’s his way of showing he cares.

DesignatedFuck: Remus…

BigBadWolf: Yes.

DesignatedFuck: Do you love me?

BigBadWolf: Why don’t we talk about that when we meet as planned during the full moon?

DesignatedFuck: Are you crazy? We can't meet under these conditions. He'll kill me.

BigBadWolf: Severus will never suspect you.

DesignatedFuck: Promise?


Wednesday 11:35 AM


BigBadWolf: Severus, be reasonable. Wouldn't you rather have a fresh start?

SlytherinSexGod: No.

BigBadWolf: I promise I'll be faithful… for now.

SlytherinSexGod: No.

BigBadWolf: Would you like some chocolate?

SlytherinSexGod: No.

BigBadWolf: Sevviemuffin, sweetie, darling, dearest…

SlytherinSexGod: No.

BigBadWolf: But you don't even know what I'm going to…

SlytherinSexGod: No.


Wednesday 4:31 PM

Sevviepoo, will you please stop pouting. How can I appease you?

SlytherinSexGod: Tell me, oh unfaithful one, whom you were shagging behind my back!

BigBadWolf: Honeybun, you can't handle the truth. Besides, my consortee might prove useful in the future.

SlytherinSexGod: YOU DIRTY WHORE! I thought I was your one true love. Tell me his name, dammit!

BigBadWolf: I never said it was a man.

SlytherinSexGod: WHAT? Betrayed with a woman? How could you? The shame! The horror! This is blasphemous, Remmiemuffin. Simply blasphemous!

BigBadWolf: I never said it was a woman either.

SlytherinSexGod: A HERMAPHRODITE?! Oh Lord, I need a stiff drink!


Wednesday 5:13 PM


Sugardaddy: Yes.

SlytherinSexGod: Why couldn't I have married a sensitive bloke who doesn't cheat on me with hermaphrodites?

Sugardaddy: Severus, darling. That's why I told you that you should really have married me. After all, I'm a sensitive bloke who would never cheat on you… unless you consider deflowering my only son as cheating. But that wouldn't count, right?


Wednesday 10:42 PM

Sevvie, please, I’m so sorry you’re so upset.

SlytherinSexGod: Remus, lover, my shining star…

BigBadWolf: Yes?

SlytherinSexGod: I have only one word for you.

BigBadWolf: Yes?

SlytherinSexGod: LEGILIMENS!

BigBadWolf: Severus, dearest, you know your spells won't work over the Internet. OWWWW!

SlytherinSexGod: You despicable fiend, you should be more aware of your surroundings. At this very moment you're sitting in front of our bedroom computer and I'm sitting on our bed, typing on my wireless laptop with one hand while pointing my wand at the back of your head with my other.

BigBadWolf: Oh crap. I forgot that we were in the same room because you only speak to me via instant messaging.

SlytherinSexGod: Can you blame me, you foul creature? How could I ever forgive you for having and affair with… OH MY GOD!

BigBadWolf: Sevvie, lovey, honey, sweetie, what did you see?

SlytherinSexGod: You know damn well what I saw.

BigBadWolf: You have to understand, dearest. I have needs during my time of the month. And you just lock me in my cage.

SlytherinSexGod: Obviously I should've use a better lock, you swine. How could you have an affair with… with… FANG!

BigBadWolf: Well I wouldn't exactly call it an affair.

SlytherinSexGod: Oh Remmiemuffin, how daft do you think I am? You were mounting Fang doggiestyle in the graveyeard during the full moon.

BigBadWolf: But I needed to bury my bone somewhere.

SlytherinSexGod: Spare me, please. Just tell me why.

BigBadWolf: Sevviepoo, I get so horny during the transformation. And you won’t have me when I'm all sweaty and furry.

SlytherinSexGod: CERTAINLY NOT!

BigBadWolf: So, what choice do I have?

SlytherinSexGod: We all make choices, Remmiemuffin, and I've just made mine. Good bye, Remus.

BigBadWolf: Sevviepoo, wait! Where are you going? SEVERUS!


Wednesday 11:05 PM


StillAliveAsshole: Yes.

SlytherinSexGod: Do you still have that spare bedroom?

StillAliveAsshole: Well, I do, but I've turned it into a saucy lovenest so that I can shag random strangers every time Draco goes out of town.

SlytherinSexGod: Where's Draco?

StillAliveAsshole: He's out of town.

SlytherinSexGod: I'll be right over.

End of Chapter 1


Authors' Note: We'd like to thank tabiji and tanizard for their inspiration in writing this chapter.


– If you would like to receive updates on this fanfic, please add me to your friends list.

P.P.S. – If you like my twisted Harry Potter slash parodies, check out my collected works.

Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash

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