Arrmaitee (arrmaitee) wrote,

New fic - Who Has The Will?

Who Has The Will?


Arrmaitee and Daylyn

In the age of escalating U.S. government regulations, FCC fines, and the American outcry due to Janet Jackson's purported wardrobe malfunction, we, as responsible authors afraid of being arrested, fined, banned from, and declared Enemy Combatants by George W. Bush, have decided to exercise voluntary self-censorship by creating our first Porn Without the Plot Without the Porn ("PWPWP").

We hope that more responsible authors will follow our lead and turn their NC-17 extravaganzas into PWPWPs so that their literature does not contribute to the rapid degeneration of American values and they don't quickly find themselves political prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.


Harry was despondent as he left Professor Dumbledore's funeral and walked solemnly down the path toward Hogwarts to meet the Headmistress in her office. Over the past few days, he watched Dumbledore die, dumped Ginny, and vowed to drop out of school and embark on a quest to destroy Voldemort and avenge Dumbledore's death.

But as Harry approached the Headmistresses' office, he recalled the most peculiar statement that Rufus Scrimgeour had made at the funeral – "Who has the Will?"

"Come in, Harry," Professor McGonagall said as she opened the door to her new office and led him over to a plush crème loveseat with a cranberry chenille throw.

"You… redecorated," Harry said, taken aback at the freshly painted and newly renovated office.

"Do you like it?" she asked. "I've always wanted to paint this musty old office pink."

Harry caught a glimpse of Albus Dumbledore staring at him from his painting and looking absolutely appalled.

"It's… unique," Harry replied. "Why did you ask to see me?"

"Harry, I have a very important mission for you."

"I know what it is, Professor," Harry said. "And I gladly accept the challenge."

"Wonderful. You need to find Albus Dumbledore's Last Will and Testament and bring it back to me."

"His Will? But I thought I needed to hunt down Voldemort and destroy him."

"Oh no no no," the Headmistress said. "Our lawyers already settled that unfortunate grievance. I need you to find Albus' Will because I have a hunch that he left me lots and lots of money."

"Oh… okay," Harry agreed. "I swear on my parents' grave that I will find the Will!"

The Headmistress smiled at him encouragingly.

Harry drew his wand. "Accio Albus Dumbledore's Will!"

There was a heavy silence, but no Will arrived.

"Harry," Minerva said quietly, removing her cloak. "This quest will require more than mere magic to complete."

Harry threw away his wand.

"Don't worry, Professor," Harry said, unbuttoning his fly. "I am well equipped to take on every challenge."

"I realize that you're a fighter, Potter. But to complete this lengthy mission, you can't attack things in spurts. You have to push and push and push until you finally succeed."

"I know this task may be difficult," Harry said, pulling out his tube of trusty lube. "But I drive hard and I always deliver the load."


The next morning, Harry whistled loudly as he was taking a shower and contemplating how he was going to find the Will. To his surprise, Ron just happened to be taking a shower at the exact same time.

"Hey mate," Harry said. "D'you know where I can find Dumbledore's Will?"

Ron looked peculiarly at Harry's wet form. "Why do you have panties stuck in your hair?" Ron asked, concerned.

"Oh… er… I was just preparing for my quest,” Harry lied. “It's an old muggle ritual."

"Your quest to kill Voldemort and restore peace to the Wizarding world?" Ron asked.

"Not that quest," Harry replied. "I am on a quest to find Dumbledore's Will, and I would do anything necessary to complete my mission."

Ron blushed, looking at Harry's enormous potential. "Anything?"


The next morning, Harry awoke to find Ron beaming. "That was incredible, mate!” Ron exclaimed. “And to think my first experience was with my best mate! Bloody hell!"

"Yes, yes, Ron, this is all very interesting, but you promised to tell me what you know about Dumbledore's Will."

Ron ignored him. "And that thing you did with your tongue… I didn't think that was possible."

"Right. Now you know that it is. How about that Will?"

Ron still ignored him. "And I never realized you're so flexible and you can bend like…"

"The Will, Ron!" Harry exclaimed. "Let's focus on the Will."

"Oh, right. Talk to Hagrid. I'm sure he knows a lot about Wills."

Harry got dressed, grabbed his tube of trusty lube and walked over to Hagrid's hut.

"Hagrid!" Harry cheered when he got there.

"’Arry," Hagrid replied. "How're yeh doin'?"

"I'm fine, Hagrid. D'you know where I can find Dumbledore's Will?"

Hagrid approached Harry and patted him on the arse.

"Yer lookin' mighty tasty, 'arry. Howoodya like me ter poke ya in yer whoo hoo?"

"What?" Harry asked, confused.

Hagrid slid his hand down the back of Harry's pants. "I wanter poke ya in yer whoo hoo, 'arry."

"What're you talking about, Hagrid?"

"Sorry," Hagrid said, ripping off Harry’s pants and spreading him eagle over a wooden chair. "I was tryin' ta talk dirty to yeh without bein' censored."

"Right. As I was saying -- d'you know where Dumbledore kept his AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


The next morning, Harry woke up in Hagrid's hut bewildered. Hagrid was gone and Harry was really sore. Harry realized that asking a half-giant where he could find Dumbedore’s Will was ill advised in retrospect. Harry looked out the window and saw Buckbeak.

Harry went outside and, after making his ritual bow, he said, "Buckbeak… I mean… er… Witherwings. D'you know where I can find Dumbledore's Will?"

Buckbeak gestured for Harry to get on his back. Clutching his trusty lube, Harry climbed onto the hippogriff and they flew to Diagon Alley, landing in front of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.

"Thanks, Buckwings," Harry said, "I knew I could count on you to lead me to Dumbledore's Will."

Harry tossed Buckbeak a dead ferret. Buckbeak shook his head, flinging the carcass aside.

"You don't want a dead ferret?" Harry asked.

Buckbeak shook his head again, staring at Harry intently.

"Well… what do you want?" Harry asked nervously.


The next morning, Harry woke up in a deserted corner of Knockturn Alley, his body covered in hippogriff feathers. After cleansing himself repeatedly with the Scourgify spell, Harry got dressed and, clutching his tube of trusty lube, staggered into Diagon Alley and over to Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.

"Fred! George!" Harry said excitedly.

"Harry," the blokes replied, pushing out all the customers and locking the doors to the shop. "What a pleasant surprise."

Fred led Harry over to a satin-covered mattress in the back of the shop while George started playing a CD of the song "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails.

You let me violate you. You let me desecrate you.

"What an interesting song," Harry said excitedly.

You let me penetrate you. You let me complicate you.

"Why are you both naked?" Harry asked.

Help me I broke apart my insides.

"Do you boys know where I can find Dumbledore's Will?"

Help me I’ve got no soul to tell.

"You see, I'm on a mission and I'll do anything for information…"

Help me the only thing that works for me.

"… which will lead me to Dumbledore's Will."

Help me get away from myself.

"Wait! Fred, I'm still raw down there."

I want to [censored] you like an animal!
I want to feel you from the inside!
I want to [censored] you like an animal!
My whole existence is flawed!
You get me closer to god!

"Now that that's over with…" Harry continued.

You can have my isolation. You can have the hate that it brings.

"...we need to talk about the location of that Will."

You can have my absence of faith. You can have my everything.

"Witherwings was certain that I could find it here."

Help me tear down my reason.

"Aren't you boys gonna get dressed?"

Help me it's your sex I can smell.

"Why are you two switching positions?"

Help me you make me perfect.

"We really need to focus on the Will, boys. We really do."

Help me become somebody else.

"No George. It's not your turn!"

I want to [censored] you like an animal!
I want to feel you from the inside!
I want to [censored] you like an animal!
My whole existence is flawed!
You get me closer to god!


The next morning, Harry asked Fred to refill his trusty lube as he joined George for breakfast.

"So where can I find Dumbledore's Will?" Harry asked.

"Not a clue, mate," George replied. "Where do you usually go when you don't know what to do and you need to figure out a plan?"

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed.

Several hours later, Harry arrived back at Hogwarts, eagerly anticipating his meeting with Hermione in the library.

"Hey Hermione!" Harry cheered, as he approached her. "What're you doing in a leather dominatrix outfit and carrying a whip?"

"You've been a bad boy, Harry," Hermione replied, cracking her whip against his unsuspecting arse.


"Owwwwwww! What the hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Hermione asked, ripping off Harry's trousers and bending him over a pile of library books.


"Owwwwwww! Stop that! I'm still sore from shagging the twins... and Buckbeak... and Hagrid... and Ron... and Professor McGonagall!"

"The Harmony fans are very upset with you, Harry," Hermione said, dangling her whip in from of his glasses. "First Ginny, and now this? You must be disciplined!"


"Owwwwwww! Stop! I… I just wanted to find out if you knew where I can find Dumbledore's Will."

"I'll give you Dumbledore's Will," Hermione rasped, raising her whip.

"You will?" Harry asked.


"Owwwwwww! Stop! Please! Look. You're making me bleed."

Blood gushed from the deep-set lacerations in Harry's mangled arse caused by Hermione's callous whip.


"Owwwwwww!” Harry screeched. “Why the F*** isn't this F---ing fic cutting to the next F%@$ing morning?"

"This fanfic was written in the United States of America," Hermione replied, raising her whip. "The inadvertent exposure of a pierced nipple is obviously taboo but excessive and unnecessary ultra-graphic violence is strongly encouraged."




Harry's blood spattered all over his clothes, and onto a nearby pile of psychology textbooks.

“Put that whip down!” Neville barked. “I’m supposed to [censored] Harry in the next sequence when Harry comes to the Greenhouse looking for Dumbledore’s Will.”

Hermione’s eyes turned red as she put her whip down and picked up a chainsaw.

“Wait!” Neville screeched, backing into an oak bookcase. “I… I relinquish my right to Harry’s AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Neville’s severed head and limbs flew across the room. Harry screamed as the decapitated head spurted blood all over his glasses. He reached out to grab something for support, but soon realized he was clasping Neville’s left foot.

Harry quickly backed away and fell onto a pile of books as blood hemorrhaged from the amputated body parts onto the carpet. Harry crawled over to a nearby bloodstained bookcase, and then desperately tried to clean off his glasses as globs of Neville’s brains dripped slowly down his nose.

Harry put his blood-smeared glasses back on and watched as Hermione, now covered with spattered blood and guts, put her chainsaw down and approached him. She began to unzip her tight catsuit.

“Now come to Mama," Hermione purred.


The next morning, Harry woke up in the infirmary with his left eye bruised, his two arms broken, his banana in a sling and his tunnel of love plugged up with gauze. After Poppy magically healed all of Harry's injuries, she handed him a note.

"Hermione asked me to give this to you," she said.

Harry opened the note cautiously. Inside, there was a handwritten message that read: "If you're looking for Dumbledore's Will, talk to Remus."

Harry smiled excitedly. "I knew Hermione would come through and tell me where I could find Dumbledore's Will!"

Poppy looked confused as she released Harry from the infirmary. Harry walked down a hallway in Gryffindor Tower, when he unexpectedly ran into Ginny.

"Harry!" Ginny exclaimed.

"What're you doing here?" Harry asked. "I thought I dumped you a few days ago."

"Right, but I know where you can find Dumbledore's Will. Voldemort has it. His most loyal servant shoved it up his…"

"Yeah, whatever." Harry replied. “As if I would trust your sources. You’re just angry I dumped you and would do anything to sabotage my all important quest.”

Harry walked away from Ginny, who was speechless. A tear trickled down her check as she climbed to the top of the Astronomy Tower and flung herself off of it.

Harry arrived at Remus Lupin's home several hours later. It was shortly after dusk. He knocked on the door repeatedly, but there was no answer. Harry reached for his wand and realized that he had left it in the Headmistress’ office. He pulled out his tube of trusty lube and lubed the keyhole. The door opened. Harry entered the house, only to find that Remus Lupin had already transformed into a werewolf.

"Remus," Harry said uneasily. "D'you know where I can find Dumbledore's Will?"

The werewolf arched its back and leapt on top of Harry.

"Awoooooooooooo! Awooooooooooooo!"


The next morning, Harry woke up in Remus’ house with deep claw marks all over his back and sides.

"Sorry for all the scratches, Harry,” Remus said, now transformed back into his old self. “I tried not to claw you, but you know it’s difficult to resist the digging reflex when you’re burying the bone.”

After Remus used magic to heal all of Harry’s wounds, he handed Harry a map.

“Is this a map to Dumbledore’s Will?” Harry asked, feeling remarkably accomplished.

“No, it’s a map to Spinner’s End. Severus should know where the Will has been hidden,” Remus said.

Before Harry could thank Remus, Tonks arrived.

"Hi honey," Tonks said to Remus. "I just got back from guard duty during Bill's first transformation. Why is the door sticky?” Tonks saw Harry standing in the front room. “Oh hello, Harry. What're you doing here?"

"I'm here looking for Albus Dumbledore's Will," Harry replied, clutching his trusty lube and the map Remus gave him.

"Actually, Harry was about to be going," Remus added, nervously. "He has quite a long journey ahead of him."

Tonks saw Harry's obviously used trusty lube.

"You whore!" Tonks shrieked at Remus. Tonk's hair changed from bubblegum pink to flaming red as she drew her wand and pointed it at Remus. "I can't believe you cheated on me already. I'll kill you!"

"I can explain!" Remus pled, waving his hands madly.

"Er... gotta go," Harry said. "It's been great seeing you both."

Harry quickly left the house. After traveling for several hours and walking past a decomposing fox, Harry arrived at the very last house on a street called Spinner's End.

The door was unlocked. Harry opened the door and crept into the foyer, when he heard hushed voices coming from the bedroom. Harry hid behind a wall of books and listened.

"Not again," Draco whimpered.

"Of course again," Severus said. "I have needs, boy. Besides, I've only had you three times this morning."

"But… if you keep desecrating my once pristine arse, Harry will never want me," Draco sobbed.

"Why don't you ask him yourself," Severus said, flicking his wand. The bookcase Harry was hiding behind slid aside, revealing Harry.

"Harry," Draco screeched. "You have to save me. My Mum pledged my arse to Professor Snape in exchange for an Unbreakable Bond and…"

"Silence, Draco," Severus scolded. "You know you're not supposed to whine to our guests. Wormtail, will you refill the Chosen One’s trusty lube?"

Wormtail entered the room, took Harry's trusty lube and left to refill it for him.

"So you're looking for Dumbledore's Will?" Severus asked Harry, gesturing for him to sit down on the corner of the four poster bed.

"Yes," Harry replied. "How did you know?"

"Occlumency," Severus said. "Remember that pesky little subject?"

"Oh. Right," Harry said. "Do you…"

"I know exactly where the Will is hidden," Severus said. "I buried it there myself."

"You did?" Harry exclaimed.

"Of course I would only disclose such highly confidential information for a price."

Harry smiled knowingly.


The next morning, Harry, Snape and Draco were having breakfast in bed.

"Harry, you have to save me," Draco begged. "You have to take me away from…"

"Silencio!" Severus screeched, silencing Draco with a spell. "I apologize for the inconvenience,” Snape said to Harry. “My f**ktoy still needs to be house trained."

"It's not a problem," Harry replied. "Now where can I find Dumbledore's Will?"

"The Will is well-hidden in the deep, dark recesses of the Dark Lord himself. You must go to the house adjacent to Tom Riddle's grave and look for the Dark Lord there. I will give you a portkey that will take you right to him."

"Thank you, Severus," Harry said. "You've been most hospitable. Goodbye Draco."

Draco whimpered silently as Severus handed Harry a used prophylactic, which had now been turned into a portkey. Suddenly, Harry arrived at the house that had once belonged to Voldemort's father. The Dark Lord was waiting for him.

"Harry," Voldemort said.

"Voldemort," Harry replied.

"To what do I owe this honor?" Voldemort asked.

"I’ve come for Albus Dumbledore's Will."

"And you expect me to give it over freely?" Voldemort sneered, drawing his wand.

"You underestimate me," Harry replied, brandishing his tube of trusty lube.

The Dark Lord's eyes widened. "No… I will not let you have it. AVADA…"

Before Voldemort could complete the spell, Harry squirted his trusty lube at him. The lube got into Voldemort’s eyes and all over his wand hand, and immediately his wand slid out of his hand and tumbled onto the floor.

"No!" Voldemort screeched, blinded by the Harry's trusty lube. "You can't have it, Potter! The Will is mine! Accio wand!" The Dark Lord used wandless magic to summon back his wand. But as soon as the wand flew back into his outstretched hand, it immediately slid back out of it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Voldemort shrieked, falling onto his hands and knees to find his wand. "I will not be outsmarted by a sex-crazed teenager and his tube of trusty lube!"

While Voldemort was bent over on all fours, Harry ripped off the Dark Lord's flowing cape and pulled down his pants, revealing the Last Will and Testament of Albus Dumbledore lodged inside his pale white arse.

"Harry please," Voldemort groveled, conceding defeat. "Be gentle.”

"Gentle?" Harry said, unbuttoning his fly. “The Will needs to be dislodged and that will take significant force.”


Harry whipped out his utensil. "Brace yourself, Voldie. The Will is mine!"

The End



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Tags: harry potter, humor, parody, slash

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  • fanfiction

    so aside from (which refuses to die), where is the bulk of hp fanfiction posted these days? twitter? Posted via LiveJournal app…

  • Question

    So I was scrolling through a number of HP communities that I used to frequent when I was active in the fandom several years ago and a lot of them are…

  • Epilogue

    Hi all, So I saw DH Part Deux on Friday night and then immediately went home and reread Epilogue -- my slash parody of the DH epilogue that I…